& i was so very very happy...
when mum gave the green light on the condition that i'll pay everything by myself, for myself.
when i was daydreaming on the bus, jotting down the list of things to get & pack.
when i by-pass the hostel.
when i sat there people-watching & smiling to myself, silly.
when i saw this notice pasted outside the library.


yea! now i can stay up all night & mugg! :) - i thought.

& then the sky fell.



it fell really hard.














on the bright side, maybe this is a blessing in disguise.
i'll be able to save up enough money for the hostel fees + daily allowance.
dont be too disappointed little brother.
or am i saying that to myself?

just bear with it for another year. or less than that.
Aug 2008, it's already Nov 2007.
very soon.
hang in there.
it's near.
i can smell it.

-------------------------

another thing, brother & me stayed up till 3am plus the other night, crapping.
he said that this will probably be the last few moments we'll spent talking like this.
but that was before i received the reply from the hostel in-charge.
still, that made me feel kinda sad.
but we'll part one day anyway.

---------------------------

i felt..fear. scared & afraid.
looking into her eyes.
even though i hardly know her, i'm afraid to see death in her face.
her eyes was unusally bright, in contrast to her pale slim face.
i don't like & don't want anymore people to leave me.
the last death was in jc1..
i'm sorry, but i'm really not used to the idea of people i know moving on, to where they say, a better place.
that was what they told me when i was young, & asked where grandfather was going.
a better place, they said.
i want to go there too, i said.
& they told me to shut up & not to utter such nonsense.
please don't die on me.
the idea of death has always left me badly shaken.
& those staring but un-seeing eyes.
another weakness.
grandfather, uncle, hamster, rabbit, GirlGuide junior..isn't it more than enough?

afraid because there are so many things left undone.
so many dreams to fulfill.
so many places i want to go to.
so many people/animals i want to help.
so many piano pieces unplayed.
so many books unread.
so many things i've never experienced.
so many words unsaid.
so many...others others

time is never enough.
i wish i was somewhere else.
preferably in front of a majestic landscape, leaping off the edge.
to leap, before i am afraid.
or to gaze into the night sky..but do the stars gaze back?
hmm, i wonder.

myheart draws adream
------------------------------------
11:55 PM