lets hit restart & pause at our fav part. ooh! that's my fav part. all of it. from the first 3-mths with my OG24, to our class dinners-outings-bbqs-drama fest, to my ever so zai CCA, to Gradnight Comm (Graddies rock on!), to being an OGL myself with beloved Family 6-OG30-JJ Family, to our vandals the doodles on tables & boards, to goot food, to heavily vandalled Grandstand, to the cat that accompanied us on our late night mugging regimes...all of it. hearts! i'm so glad we met at this short 2years cross-junction. i dont believe in forever, but thanks for the here & now. this. us. here. is enough. i'm blessed enough.
the day itself, 31st Aug 07, felt right. i've deleted most of his smses, & cleared my own sent msg folder. the day just felt right, as i've said. this is my decision. the sun is bright & mighty, but rain still falls. it's that kinda day that started all these, so let it end under the same situational context.
but i digress.
the new phase of my life in NUS (National University of Stairs) is as goot as in JJ.
alrightt fine.
who am i trying to kid?
its starting to suck more & more each day. just can't seem to get back the old bright optimism i used to have back in jj. but anyway, i hate to be bright & cheery, to fake it when i'm obviously stoned.
seeing the entire school population as i cut the crowded corridors & walkways, flights of stairs one after another under the soles of my feet, i feel dread. i feel like the life's sucked out of me. thats what happens to you after a while. you feel hope, you want to start anew, but it crumbles if you lack the determination or if you lack support/guidance/concern/love..
uni makes me feel like i'm not so intelligent afterall. everyone went like, "oh you're so smart to have been able to enter NUS despite coming from shit school like jurong jc! so you're like really good uh?" i tried to smile back politely, but the smile never formed, while the urge to bite back remains. maybe my brilliance is lost in the sea of uncertainty & unfamilair, unfriendly faces. dulled as hope fades. this is 180degree change from jj's smiling faces, which really makes you feel like home. & jj is not a shit school. roars. i'll bite whoever said that next time.
i seldom smile. only at instances. when i feel like the old me's brought back to life. my eyes shine only when i enjoy myself. & for the most part, it's pretty much dimmed. i have no idea what i'm talking about. still i know i feel like a battered soldier struggling not to give up.. but on the losing end at the same time. i'm so glad school is only a 3-days week. that makes thing much much bearable. with Tues morning & Fri lunchs together with my lovelies, it calms my nerves.
there is never a thing such as the 'betterment' for all. only the 'betterment' for some. thats how the world will always work. never will everyone win. & happiness happens only at the expense of someone else's gloom. not being cynical. just pause & think about it. like diamonds. you're happy. what about those families where part of their family was killed in the midst of it? are they happy? but i still rather be happy at the end. instead of having no where to go. alls competition. that i've come to realise. since a long time back.
when i first got geared up for this challenge, to enter NUS, i wanted very much to tell as many people i could to start working hard. cos all around me, almost everyone i knew was living the life exactly a few months back. thinking that they already "know" their stuff, especially Economics. & been slacking for months. but now i really want to be selfish. is it that bad?
i still recall this particular assembly back in jj, when mr leow and mr ng gave us a talk about our A's. there was a few things that got to me. one, the quote : "you are first, a student, then a cca leader." "you are first, a student, then a OGL." "you are first, a student, then a girlfriend/boyfriend." & so on & so forth.
how true.
but oh how horrible it is to have that much psyco-melodrama.
i have too much to catch up on. too much i've forgotten. too much i never knew. and there are so many who are better. they sound so intelligent. i share the equal status as they do. same footage.
come on self, you can do it..
------------------------------------
9:02 AM
woke up bright & early! well, early enough for breakfast after the usual prepartions of deciding what to wear, double check school stuffs blah blahs that is...got to Clementi in time to meet Esther & Lala. tried to look as cool, calm & as collected as possible. it was like nothing much changed. i still had JayChow's songs that had accompanied me to school for 3 yrs now!! hearts! did one of my fav things while waiting for them; people watch. hahaa
NUS for me is not as happening as it promised to be. & no, i havent found any eyecandies, cos the standard's pretty...bleah lmao! unlike a certain someone, in a certain other Uni, in a certain English related major, with a certain eye-candy from a certain camp *nudge lmao. the guys arent as good looking as jj made them. & by that, you know what i mean. lol. jj guys standard not that high, but as compared to where i am now, jj's in the lead! they look damn old! okay fine! i'll be at that age soon & look as old lol! & yes laugh, i fell down the stairs 4times in a row today! uber clumsy lol i slipped this morning while rushing to school cos it was raining & the bus came. fell, & started laughing. lmao. most of the time, attend lectures by myself, since i'm taking different courses from Esther & Lala. my only common module with them is English Language, i'm solo for my other 4 modules. Oh&yesh, we were waiting for the internal shuttle bus, & were waiting for fruitless 10mins plus at the wrong bus-stop. it was damn hilarious when we tried to stop the shuttle bus at the wrong bus-stop! super throw face! we realised it was the wrong bus-stop when none of the shuttle buses stopped at the bus-stop! that was so stoopidd!!!! LMAO!
met Vithya who was from the same sec sch as me, just that we were from different classes. i feel marked. most people are still enjoying this rather relaxing week, but i've taken refudge back into my usual table at the library & mugging. i'm loving psychology at the moment. the rest, i'm not so loving them. i have to look up books & print my own notes etc...i'm starting to appreciate how our teachers printed notes for us back in jj hahaa. But the point is still i feel damn cheated! a certain senior told me "South Asian, very easy! sure can pass!". right. after going through the readings, i feel like slapping him upside-down & inside-out lol Economics is fine. i'm most confident in Economics & determined to do well for my first sem.
i love fridays!! my lessons end at a reasonable time & the highlight is not this, but that i get to lunch with my lovelies! first time i been to The Deck today with Esther & Lala. the food's pretty nicee, & affordable, but rather small serving. on the whole, it's still good food + good company! a mini 2 hour catching up session with them <3>
------------------------------------
9:41 PM
started voting for whatever we wanted to eat while waiting for TeeYien's cous. i just realised that alot of people dont like MOS burger. gahh. it's like my fav fastfood, apart from LJS & BK breakfast.
went to play pool at Meridian instead, but waited for about an hour before it was our turn. chilled at Mac Cafe & stupid was tempting me with cakes & choco! hahaa i'm trying to avoid sweet stuff, esp choco!! too much cakes while working at GraceField & it's usually choco cake. looks so nicee but have this feeling that if any choco touches my tastebud or comes even closer than 7cm, i'll start to puke! the last time i played pool was with LeAnn at Sentosa. that's long ago. but it was loads of fun & really enjoyed it. & these 3 are skilled. LeAnn's good at it too.
& from what i heard, an ex-classmate's going through depression & suffering from eating disorder, & in her case, she's eating & eating. but no matter what, just hope she'll be over it soon & step out of it. from my personal experience, after going through it, i feel that nothing will get me down anymore, cos nothing's worth more than happiness. every 60seconds spent being upset, is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. though i'm not all happy-go-lucky again, but at least i'm not blue.
felt rather lethargic throughout this outing. maybe it was because i went out early...or perhaps it's just in my nature to be this sloth-ish hahaa. reached home way past my curfew, & knocking out soon... Ohyesh! NTU hostel's so damn nicee! air-conditioned & it's like a chalet! i likeee! so wish i chose NTU (still not getting over it) cos mum & dad said i could probably stay at hostel then! mum's not talking to me because of my curfew thing, but frankly, it has been this long since i felt this good. lazing around with friends & no shopping for once, & played pool... what's missing has got to be clubbing all night long haa. OHyah, & TeeYien refused to believe that i like clubbing. i suppose the girls are clubbing at MOS or DXO now while i'm about to knock out soon... [yawns] good night stars & 白痴s! hahaa
♥♥♥
------------------------------------
11:57 PM
but i digress. it has been over 2years since i've graduated from qss, but frankly it still feels quite fresh. until i started going back for guides that is. it makes me wonder if its because i've managed to preserve my friendship ties with those that i care, like WeeEng, QianLing, HuiMin, WaiYing, Erika, guides unit etc, that i've somehow managed to freeze time. or maybe even because that had been the best time of our lives..up to all kind of nonsense..boycotting a certain someone.. anyhow, you know, like you've been so accustomed to your environment you fail to notice the big change? excluding the big change that we were all moving to a new environment by ourselves, & that you werent by my side, holding my hand & walking it through with me...
2 years back didn't feel all that different cos i made friends almost immediately. i had Elaine, & though we were in different classes, we made it our dime to meet everyday before assembly starts. 2 years back, i feel as young as i felt then, and am supposing the way i think is still the same. i still feel just as childish, just as immature, just as paranoid, just as insecure, just as spoilt, haha, just as gigglish, just as trusting. just as everything. i look around me, and the people i had with me then, are still right here with me, in the sense that they really are truly just a phone call away. it hardly even feels like they have ever left. their lives have been how they lived them then. as are mine. perhaps except QianLing has a boyfriend, & WaiYing too, no girlfriends, no nothing. thats the sad part. but progress, we have. as the academic year for most of us reaches closure, it reminds us that there has had been change. but funny thing, i don't feel it. perhaps i'm getting used to such cruel wrench from my friends, as in pri3, pri5, sec3, & now.
its almost as if, somewhere down the line, i forgot how i was actually like. and i simply, very conveniently, assume i've always been this way. everything's always been this way. liking the stuff i like now, plus new additions of stuff i enjoy now, being as confident as i feel now. or, like i just summarized all those years, missing out on all the tiny details that matter.
i guess its easy to forget. it always is.
today i realise that we all should be proud of ourselves. for growing up, for maturing. its because we forget what 3 years ago had really been like. it is because we are only left with a vague idea of the past. we don't give ourselves enough credit, that's what i think at least. if i didnt force myself to plough through the embarrasing details of the past, i would have forgotten how naive i was, how innocent, how.. yes, childish & spoilt & even gormless. and i realise a whole new definition to that word! & the whole act of remeniscing is enough to make me feel ancient. hahaa but yes, bottomline, i have grown up. it is evident though comparison.
it makes me feel this overwhelming appreciation toward change. toward the future, for you'll never know what lies out there. how we'll be moulded by the decisions we make, the people that will come in and out of our lives, the highs & lows we'll trek through. emotionally, spritually. one day, 3 years later, i'm gonna check back to this very journal and realise all over again this power of change. by then i'll say the same words, "i have grown up."
but i'm surprised, too.
(at the change)
especially since i hadn't noticed it.
you know what they say, "i didn't see it coming"; we never intended to grow up, but we ended up doing just that.
...
by the way, i came across the letters we used to exchanged, be it during lessons/lectures or my mail. including our combined effort in drawing a comic strip during Chinese lectures. & like it should & ought to, stuff started flooding into my head. anyway one of them had her telling me she was listening to "i have the mass dances' songs all in here for uuuu sweetie! i know you'll love me for digging all these stuff up for you! LOL! muacks! lets groove up to the songs together one day!" exposed! hahaa! ohwell. but i felt so touched when i re-read them that i started crying. right, still a crybaby. lil tokens of love and given as gifts from jj councilors. cried real hard while flipping through the OGL memor book, which was hand-drawn by them. then theres the lil bottle with
OHyeah, & i do miss the many tables the guys vandalised on. especially the one with the turtle/tortise (a.k.a a certain teacher)hahaa if only i can steal them!!! i've made up my mind, & just take 'fate' as it comes. i'll still miss you lovelies! before i go back to doodling on my new stationaries, here's to the future!, and to keeping our memories close to heart! mak!
♥♥♥
------------------------------------
9:28 AM
we walked to Esplanade, then to Marina Square for lunch at FoodLoft. it was awful. at least for the three of us it is. the previous times with GradNight Comm & WaiYing was alot more nicer. especially with WaiYing. ordered lots of dim-sum & just start chowing down, with fruit fondue for finale. started walking around Marina Sq, & the girls were shopping again. we didnt walk alot mainly because they didnt want me to sweat, plus i was wearing heels. chilled at CoffeeBean, with hot vanilla. they were trying to calm my nerves & started thinking up of qns that they wanted to ask BoonTat. fotos taken! yesh i dressed up! but it's because it's a smart casual event kay hahahaa that's a sad excuse! it's tiring to dress up even though i do like it at times!
me in my kickass rooom!!
us again! it's our duty to share vision of loveliness with the world! that's a lame excuse for camwhore
est & lala~
ohya, he's a primary 6 classmate, but we never talked. didnt liked my class, so naturally i didnt talk to anyone much, except Beverly. but we were separated in class, so...P6 was pretty much the worst year in my life. still in contact with a couple of them, like TeeYien, KahHeng & Beverly. & i never really bother to remember names or talk to anyone else. just dont like them. so dont count on it.
some of the qns they thought of were so lol & i know i had to stop them from talking to him, else they freak him out next. the whole Navy event was...quite boring cos there wasnt much. their so-called coke vodka (more like coke) left early & started walking all the way from Orchard to Tiong Bahru. but took the bus back home. mum phoned & that i had to iron bro's school uniform & sew some scout badges. cousin was helping me to revive my internet connection! damn nice of him to help get a new router & set up...those things with all those big words that makes my head hurts. yesh. those things.
we talked alot about our school & lots of memories came back. memories of the past. tears threathen to fall though i fight to hold them back. really love those days back in JJ then, & i know i'll really miss it. those days when i just sit at the Grandstand & laugh at ODAC (or maybe more of Rasyid & ZhiYao), telling them that they run ugly & got tease back at. there's this foto of me standing in front of the scale that measures our height! wicked! told me to hold a card saying "little ms very very tall!" & stood in front of the height thing, at 1.58m! bfft. & when i looked at him from afar, watching him play basketball. movie & mahjong maranthon through the night during shooting club camp. card games & whatever shit we did in class. walking tgt to the dessert shop & sit there for hours. travelling to WestCoastPark & act like kids. outings to Sentosa... the best two years of my life. & now, most of my friends are in NTU, while i'm stuck in NUS. at least i still have Esther & Lala. they're damn nice. when i couldnt decide between NTU Psychology or NUS FASS, 05A06 were like, "go for it! NUS is really much better! you're lucky to get into FASS cos it's not easy...you'll do well kay? we believe in you! go for it!" just laughed & hugged. we really tried to make it sound happy & casual...but ever since all the camps & sch talks began, we could hardly find a day to go out tgt. i've cramped my timetable into 3 days, in hope that during those two vacant days will clash with theirs so that we can hang out like we used to. hmm..let me be in serenity & indulge in the sounds of mystery. my own thoughts & feelings. away till i've sort out my thoughts. decide what i want. how things shld go. mum said that i can always transfer to NTU, but added that i'll probably make new friends soon enough in NUS. i'm thinking econs. HuiLing jie-jie is still so strong an inspiration to me now. i miss her alot too. i miss everyoneee back from jj dayyyys!!!
♥♥♥
------------------------------------
1:07 PM
