because i'm real like that.

livejournal link

2008-05-13T23:14:00.000-07:00

ohh so sorry! thanks sharm & teddie! absent minded

here's the link! click.

ohoh how do i add you as friend sharm??

p.s: leave a comment in the first post so that i'll know everyone's there okayy? & so that i can shut down this account :) cya there!

♥♥♥

xoxo,
melodie

mass updates

2008-05-10T03:27:00.000-07:00

mass updates

1.
0327
in the midst of packing, but..
really tempted to throw away all the notes
it's scaring me
there're like 6 heavy bags of notes & files & books!
gah.
maybe should just keep them for now?
some other stuff that i would like to throw, but i'll probably need it again for next semester at hostel (provided if i can get it)
you know what, should have just applied for vacation stay as well
even though it's really pointless

2.
am packing till now b/c the past few days was pretty much spent on laundry, slacking in library, gloating to self at the sight of people still mugging! haa! [points & laugh at them]
yea. i was that bored.
would have love to return home & watch cartoons all day long, & flip through the channels
but, clubbing at night
returning home would have meant that i can't come out after that.

3.
been looking for a job, b/c am really short of cash now
one of the reasons why i've suddenly lost interest in clubbing
but i'll probably be back on once i've earned extra income

4.
left early for Japanese language as well
it just didn't make sense to me.
haa another paper gone
results are coming out at the end of the month
...
frankly, i am dreading despite i seem not to be very bothered by the fact that finals are damn screwed up.
hopeful
that CA will offset everything. & the bell curve has better be good this time round.

5.
last Saturday, headed off to Lydia's flea event at Sculpture Square

okay this is it.
i'm really exhausted...
keeping 2 blogs aint so easy after all
click here!
ohh & i'm getting the hang of livejournal
it's so much more easier to upload fotos, & it's faster
& the editing is easier as well
for blogger, had to tweak around with the html
still trying to figure out the links & profile part

for now, to leave a comment, click on 'speech bubble'
&yes, leave name as subject or sign off with your name (for non-livejournal users)
cya there sweethearts!

♥♥♥

xoxo,
melodie

4 papers down

2008-05-01T15:16:00.000-07:00

EDITED:
16.
many thanks to the new auntie for keeping the block so clean
:)
u know what?
she even cleaned the top of the fire hose reel thing.
& that was usually what i did everytime the dust is visible...

17.
if today is the last day on Earth, what will you do?
...
i won't know what to do then b/c there's so much that i want to do
the list just keeps getting longer you know

18.
"you know, sometimes, i don't really like myself"
"that's alright, we all feel that way sometimes...think over this anyway, if you're a guy, do you think you'll fall for yourself? if you're a girl, do you think you'll befriend yourself?"
thank you せんせい！ that sort of cheered me up

19.
new watches
2 for 10$
a bargain

20.
what's the sound..of one hand clapping?
(i'm trying to prove a point)

21.
they gave a free ~~mouse~~ fish along with my new laptop..
it's a mouse but it's not that kind of mouse
it's a fish.
gah.
i hate not being able to upload fotos
will think of something soon

---

& to carry on from where i left off..

1.
successfully screwed up semester 2 final exams.
yay.

2.
debt.
b/c i've gotten my new macbook.
so in total, 3k$
oh & it's the black one.

3.
did i mention the fighting fishes are gone?
bye byee smelly king 1 to 3, and smelly bitch
room was like..there were mosquitoes thanks to them
but anyway they're gone!

4.
skin allergies? is it?
it just turns red suddenly and it'll itch for no reason
gah.

5.
i love island cremery! :)

6.
have to move out of hostel soon.
that very thought is making me feel sad
dreading...

7.
learned that liking/loving someone, doesn't mean that you have to possess him
~~i think~~ i've make the right decision
i'll really be happy as long as he is..
yupp yupp
so, conclusion is: i'm still young. let go before it gets deeper

8.
i want to be a skinny bitch

9.
i think my boy looks damn cute in mickey mouse top
couldn't suppress the grin
とてもかわいいですよ！ (very adorable!)

10.
came up with a new strategy for next semester
it's always a learning-from-mistake thing.

11.
advocate singlehood. perhaps.
b/c i hate heartbreaks, crying
it's a shame in a way cause i feel that i may not ever be able to find the right one for me
but then again, why would i go on a search again when i know what the end will be
what good is love when it keeps on hurting me?
so i'm making a promise, perhaps, never to settle

12.
intending to look for a job along the f'n'b industry
preferable at Provence, NYDC, Disney cafe, or perhaps even Munchie Monkey in NUS
intending to work and study at the same time & this calls for better time management!

13.
to alter the dresses i bought over the past months (never worn cause i think it's long)

14.
recently, woeilin introduced me online shopping sites.
i'm in so much trouble if mum is ever going to check my bankbook.
but i'm starting to hate online shopping b/c the things are like..
they'll arrive in 3-4 weeks time
are they insane?
i can't last that long
~~3 bags gave way, & 1 pair of flipflop gave way as well~~
~~badly in need of bags and proper flipflops~~
~~i've gotten this pretty patent sandal online, which sadly, is going to arrive like 3-4weeks later~~
~~keep checking to see if i'm alive by then~~
i just need to get so much things

15.
i'm spending so much on food that it's disgusting
i told myself, that was it.
& the next moment, i'm walking towards the stall for waffles. again
and he's not helping.
he'll be like, hey you want ice-cream from Mac?
gah.
face is evidently rounder.
mad hair (need a haircut some time soon) and double chin and other tell-tale signs of..fats.
oofah.

---

just last night, went out clubbing right after paper ended, but it was damn crowded. god. zouk was like..the queue was all the way till the street opposite and MOS was damn packed and everywhere else was full house. settled for Clinic while waiting for a couple of other people. had the usual mocktail. mambo nighted. breakfasted and back to hostel, starting to feel more sober now.

alright. back to studies. & oh. b/c this laptop is new, & i've yet to explore the other functions (just been using Words and Powerpoint..you get the idea) promise to load fotos up soon. but oh. handphone battery went flat last night, so sorry for the late replies. really sorry.

anyway, about exams, the notes didn't make sense to me. was staring intently at it but no super-heat-vision came nor did the notes just burst into flames. i could have then said, "sorry sir my notes were on fire so i didnt study..do you think..." he laughed and said that i sounded like some kid making up tall excuses about forgetting to do their homework. ohyah. great idea. i could have just told the Animal Behavior lecturer, "my dog ate my notes." the ironic part is, i wrote those notes myself. but they're still not making sense to me. neither did the qns paper. ohwait. Q23-25 makes some sense though. like 6 out of 50 qns. left when the clock struck 1800, while the rest were still in the middle of it.

yea. it was that screwed up.

♥♥♥

xoxo,
melodie

if only fotos lie

2008-04-19T02:00:00.000-07:00

spotted at Central Library at 2am.
condition: freezing but conducive
this is much much MUCH better than in the afternoon.
hate having my space invaded.
the place is like a breeding ground for zombies.
it felt normal this morning at 8am to about 11am.
that's when the ~~crowd~~ zombies invades.
murmurs here and there.

& so my body clock is going end up being really screwed up
but aww heck. need to make up for lost time.

but you made me such a happy girl who can't wait for..
the catching-up sessions with A6, Qian, Min etc etc
the consecuetive clubbing nights before moving back home
the late night outs counting stars
the everything and anything

& you know what i want for my bday teddie?
something to remove the dark eye rings pls!
lmao
it looks really obvious from the foto.
gahh.
if only fotos lie.
but that'll take away the fun, wont it?

& for now, should really practice a little more self-dsicipline and get back to webcast lecture
oh.
& he says (to this foto), "you're the girliest/sweetest girl i know"
such a sweetheart, love

♥♥♥

xoxo,
melodie

what's in a name?

2008-04-14T01:40:00.000-07:00

The rose is fairest when 'tis budding new,
And hope is brightest when it dawns from fears.
Sir Walter Scott

what's in a name? that which we call a rose by any other name, would smell as sweet...

thanks for the ~~rose~~ hotpink rose.
it's really pretty.
brightened up the lousy day
(but far from gerbera)

craving for passionfruit soda
very bad cravings for japanese mango sundae as well
shit. face is getting rounder.
like the moon.

anyway, hope the foto will brighten up your day as well :)

♥♥♥

xoxo,
melodie

into the last week of school, and start of reading week

2008-04-14T01:02:00.000-07:00

exams are like less than 2 weeks away, but still tied down by some stupid fish experiment, 2 freaking experiment and 1 project paper to hand in.
walked past the library for the past weekend (it's 1.04am now, it is therefore monday) & it was packed with students mugging.
projects and assignments deadlines weighing down.
we were studying in my room the other day (after receiving like 5 mosquitoe bites, we retreat back to the room)
eyes were threatening to shut but we still went on till like almost 4am plus.
carried on by myself till...
okay you know what, i have no idea what time i knock out completely in front of my laptop.
there's just this strange habit of typing halfway, and the next thing i know is, it's 8.43am
gah.
i feel bad there's only 1 chair in my room.
& that YIH's that cold & itchy at night.
&yea. we were bored. & started taking snapshots of each other.
but i wasn't that mean to take closeups.

...

right. that's it. not uploading any more fotos.
it's either this laptop's laggy, or the connection is just damn bad as usual.
it's taking forever (1.08am) & forget it.
back to study..

oh shit.
just remembered.
oral exam on wed.
gahh.

will be back...

♥♥♥

xoxo,
melodie

jacky died.

2008-04-12T22:20:00.000-07:00

a fish died.
it was so sudden, and gross.
and sad.
and morbid. in a way.
it just jumped out and landed on the floor.
splat.
didnt even flip around and struggle.
silly fish. the poor thing.
Wan Ting even named it.
Jacky. [a minute of silence]
very sorry to Wan Ting.

supposed to be observing 2 fighting fishes mating, but all i see now..
oh shit.
the male fish is raping the female.
what the hell.
fish.

something happened.
not sure what it is, maybe a series of ~~forgetfulness~~ carelessness
lost thumbdrive, ribbon-hairband, mp3
fell down the stairs thrice
cut myself
flip-flops & bag gave way
gahh.
damn sad that i lost my hairband, and mp3 especially.
thumbdrive..just have to re-do certain things.

presentation and oral around the corner.
thanks for mailing me the top.
it's kinda big but it'll do.
thanks again! :)

& he came, all the way, to lend me his thumbdrive.
it was 2am. but he still came.
because he thought i sounded like i needed it really badly.
i was.
was stunned when he just turned up like that.
was in one of the usual unglam moments, sitting with legs crossed on the chair, hair like some cock, with friggin nerd specs, oversized shirt and shorts
it's just so...omg.
just like other chilling session
talked, and reminisced.

& lastly, no i am not learning how to swim.
never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever [quick pause to catch some breath] ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever! :)

oh& new fotos found all over the place up in blogskin template.
& there was this roach (not full adult yet, but going to) that was near my door.
splat went the roach/my flip-flops.
bought the bug-spray in the end. from Cheers.
hopefully, wont have to use it.

♥♥♥

xoxo,
melodie

peanuts

2008-04-11T16:20:00.000-07:00

Japanese mango steam cake :d
my new addiction.
haa
it's damn goot! can practically eat it all day.
& Snoopy&Woodstock as well.
suddenly, i sound like i've not changed ~~abit~~ at all
was reminiscing this restaurant/cafe that i used to bug my daddy to bring me to.
it's call Snoopy Place.
has anyone else been there before?
i've got a foto of me, with brother & "Snoopy" (man in Snoopy costume)
but well, i'm not uploading that fugly foto here.
all i can remember was the ice-cream sundae named after characters in the comics e.g. Charlie Brown, Linus, Sally
if i recall correctly, everything else on the menu are named in relation to Snoopy and gang
my fav?
Woodstock - smallest of the Peanuts characters but has a big presence for a little bird
there's this kid's meal named after it, and i think that's the only think i ever had there before.
that was how long ago it is.
haa
we're getting old, but let's just age gracefully laa
anw, here's a weblink i just came across. click here.
&boo too bad the place closed down.

've got a really bad craving for island cremery and pizza.
oh& the chicken rice from across.
it's really bad.

Peanuts!

♥♥♥

xoxo,
melodie

fish for sale

2008-04-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

feeling...sleepy
really sleepy
it's strange how awake i am at night, perhaps too absorbed and keen in trying to understand all those bigBIG biological psych terms, to understand what the Kofun & Tokugawa periods are about, to master the grammar structures of Japanese lang in time for upcoming oral exam...
time really does fly.
& should be working harder..

but i digress.
main point here is: Fighting Fish For Sale
Does anyone fancy keeping fighting fish? please? anybody?
should probably start promoting and advertising on the gorgeous, pretty-coloured fishes..
BUTbutbutbut, they are so driving me nuts!
freaked the day before the moment i entered my room.
bubble nest, & the female laid eggs. i think
strangely, the bubble nest disappeared and so did the eggs.
false alarm.
but point being i have enough of them
& i truly think that fishes are the second most freaky things after insects/bugs
they are like so sick.
they swim, breathe, live, eat, drink in their own poo.
gah.
being really particular about tidyness and cleanliness ever since i'd moved into hostel.
couldnt help but change the water like every 2 days, & what the hell.
just changed it in the morning, and by evening, the water stank.
if it's not because we have yet to conclude the project/experiment, would had given them away a long long LONG time ago than to put up with their dirty habits.
grossgrossgrossgrossgross.

oh. okay.
BUTbutbutbut, they are really pretty-coloured.
red in colour and their fins are pretty.
&...okay that's it.
just have no kind thoughts of them.
i'll throw in the fish bowl as well.
in return, just get me Cadbury Dairy Milk Fruit&Nut, weigh 100g.
thanks!
it's just this mad craving for chocolate.
been like that for almost a week now.
but everything taste good with chocolate :)
anyway, just text/tag me if interested. thanks!

& final message is this:
Swimming are for people who are jealous of fishes.
Are u jealous of fish?
i know i'm not. haa.

♥♥♥

xoxo,
melodie

despite all that,

2008-04-02T03:01:00.000-07:00

despite all that,
you know what? i love you all
haaa
okay that was serious

~~starting to feel~~ sleepy but still have to go on.
it's...0308 now.
will this be another of those night spent awake?
but not those nights spent dancing away or just doing nothing, instead, rushing out project
Japanese Studies project on youth unemployment.
while at this, just felt this strong craving for Island Cremery ice-cream and somehow thoughts drifted to working at Island Cremery during the holidays
that'll be much fun.
initial plan was to work at NYDC, preferably Holland V outlet
that's my fav.
but i guess Bugis franchise's alright too.
direct bus.

&...i asked, "what does it feel like to be in love? is this it?"
having doubts. uncertainties.
how long since??
Edwin commented that this is the fun of it all.
i like that. actually.
right now, i have teddie online with me.
as to why she's online...i have no idea.
plain crapping.

[mysterious] dar i lurve you too! ~^_^~ said: i think i fat now leh..
[mysterious] dar i lurve you too! ~^_^~ said: dar keep bring mi go eat loh...say wat want to make mi fatter =.=
メロディー 'xoxo said: isn't that good??
メロディー 'xoxo said: u're like super skinny can..
[mysterious] dar i lurve you too! ~^_^~ said: oi ur figure i super like can? even dar oso sae he not surprise got so many guys lust after ur body
[mysterious] dar i lurve you too! ~^_^~ said: :x ps...
[mysterious] dar i lurve you too! ~^_^~ said: but yaa...btw he still got bug u now?
メロディー 'xoxo said: ...
メロディー 'xoxo said: yaa..can't wait till June
メロディー 'xoxo said: change number haaa

...

[mysterious] dar i lurve you too! ~^_^~ said: ARRGHH!! i miss him so much gg crazy liao @.@
メロディー 'xoxo said: lol
メロディー 'xoxo said: go
メロディー 'xoxo said: go & burn down the camp tmr
メロディー 'xoxo said: then tell him to evacuate at what time so & so lol
[mysterious] dar i lurve you too! ~^_^~ said: wa no wonder u in uni sia..like tt oso can think of idea liao..think so fast LOL
メロディー 'xoxo said: you should change ur nick to 'miss' instead of 'love'?
[mysterious] dar i lurve you too! ~^_^~ said: both the same mah...tsk tsk tsk too long nv fall in lurve liao...
メロディー 'xoxo said: ...rightt

...

& the rest are censored. lest i we (we're in this together teddie) get sued or arrested. let's just say we weren't hatching anything too diabolical.

メロディー 'xoxo said: gahh.
メロディー 'xoxo said: u know what...
メロディー 'xoxo said: i think it's toothache
[mysterious] dar i lurve you too! ~^_^~ said: Ms Melodie Lee Wan Jing when is last time u see dentist huh? kekeke
[mysterious] dar i lurve you too! ~^_^~ said: LOL
メロディー 'xoxo said: last year...
メロディー 'xoxo said: not sure..but it hurts whenever i eat..
メロディー 'xoxo said: so now, i have to like chew with my left side..
[mysterious] dar i lurve you too! ~^_^~ said: fcuk up lah siao diao
メロディー 'xoxo said: yeaaa
[mysterious] dar i lurve you too! ~^_^~ said: or is it ucler
メロディー 'xoxo said: eto..not sure..
[mysterious] dar i lurve you too! ~^_^~ said: may b toothache loh..
[mysterious] dar i lurve you too! ~^_^~ said: uni no dentist one rite?
メロディー 'xoxo said: LOL mochiron!
[mysterious] dar i lurve you too! ~^_^~ said: like tt how? how to eat?
メロディー 'xoxo said: i know!! this is damn horrible laa
メロディー 'xoxo said: totally turns any cravings off
[mysterious] dar i lurve you too! ~^_^~ said: u too sweet lah
メロディー 'xoxo said: ???
[mysterious] dar i lurve you too! ~^_^~ said: tt time sexy say u too sweet..give him cavities
[mysterious] dar i lurve you too! ~^_^~ said: den now u sooooo sweet u give urself cavities
[mysterious] dar i lurve you too! ~^_^~ said: LOL
[mysterious] dar i lurve you too! ~^_^~ said: [a series of lol emoticons]
メロディー 'xoxo said: ...

but yes, i'm staying in hostel for the rest of the semester
and no, you can't stayover hahaa
maybe after 30th April (second last paper)
dress like crap to school
after awhile, it just rubs off you
& it doesn't matter

the other day, left quiz paper (for lecture quiz) on the table & went off for class.
rushed back to get it
the pluses about staying in hostel
BUT! as i was rushing back to lecture, caught myself wondering:
"why the hell did i rushed back for a piece of paper that i'm going to flunk later anyway?"
too late.
by the time that thought came, was seated among other ~~anxious~~ confident-looking fellow students waiting for the lecture quiz to start.
they're going to ace it as usual.
while i'm just going to make up my own answers.
as usual.

okayy, exams are really, for real, like really, seriously, around the corner.
be back soon :)
& we'll blow bubbles by the sea.
with the wind in our hair :)

♥♥♥

xoxo (lots of love & kisses),
melodie

Del Mar, Bugis, Vivo, Plaza Sing etc

2008-04-01T10:24:00.000-07:00

the past few days had been great.
slightly earlier before the-past-few-days not so.
it's a long story, but here goes..
melodie: stalker i guess..
teddie: again?
melodie: it's ridiculous..

for the past few days, ate alot. like really alot.
Thurs night, went for supper at al-ameen with Arael.
naan and ... chicken tikka masala (?) sorry if i mispelt it, but it's quite similar to butter chicken. just a little more spicy
Friday afternoon saw me rushing down to meet my girls at Bugis for dinner.
had omu-rice and it was damn good!
but the prices of the foodcourt was exhorbitant!
for my omurice, by usual Japanese restaurants standard will be about 10$/+, while it's 5$/+ here.
i guess it is okay...but still..

kind of saving up for a getaway, new laptop, and next semester hostel (even though i know that it's going to be real stiff competition)
just dont want to depend on my parents
mum did offered to get me a new laptop (MacBook) but on the condition that i can't stay in hostel.
but, no way.
hopefully it'll get to her that i don't need to depend on her financially at all.
and that she has no control over me after that.

but, i digress.
Bugis wasn't much fun. perhaps wasn't really in the mood.
decided not to return home after we part, but instead to head back to hostel.
bus was along the road to Vivo when i recalled teddie telling me about this awesome skirt that i had been looking for and that there were new stocks (M-size) for the shorts i'm looking for too at Forever21.
alas, i couldn't find the skirt at all.
as for the pair of short, there was M-size, but after trying it on...
S-size fits better, but the colour that i had initially been looking out for wasn't available.
settled for another colour which was brighter.
was hunting for the metal pencilbox when Arael texted.
went to Del Mar.
chilled.
it felt really great and the place was awesome.
the sky was beautiful, full of stars.
1...17..19..32...47..
i lost count.
would have loved to fall asleep under the stars
but we went back to hostel after that.
mugged and drank ribena (peach-flavoured; tasted so weird) vodka.
&hey. can't seem to hold my liqour as well now.
felt so strange after just half a cup.
will love to go club one day after exams, before moving back home.

& this post is getting long.
fastforward.

on Saturday, met up with Lydia for lunch at Munchie Monkey.
the food's really nice & really missed passionfruit soda!
shopped at Vivo again (that's like my fav place now); Zara, Esprit, TopShop, Forever21 &...can't rmb the shop's name.
there was this ongoing fashion runway, and the models (females) looked like mannequins. one of the male models caught my attention.
and yes, because he was wearing red top with a sling bag.
haa hadn't changed.
ran into Arael too. who was looking for CandyEmpire.
wonder...

on Sunday, met up with QianLing
planned to surprise HuiMin at her workplace
BUT, she took off.
called her up instead and went off to Tiong and met up there.
caked at BengawanSolo. chocolate cake, and coffee cake.
had old-school kueh. the green-red-white kueh thing.
birthday dinner at Ajitei Plaza Sing.
the food was nice, but really expensive.
main course, ala carte, desserts, sushi, sashimi.
i'm so broke now, that i guess i'll have to go hungry for the next week to come.
refused to tell my mum what we had for dinner.
she'll nag.

oh& had my first sushi today.
i had no idea there's mayo on sushi.
that was so gross.

walked to Heeren, and to Kino.
there's this Japanese spongecake stall (mini-stall) at Tiong that we saw earlier.
had thought we won't be staying long in town and could just get the spongecake for brother on the way back.
it taste nicer when it's warm.
but it was 2100 when we were at the bus-stop.
couldn't stand it.
will probably be at hostel for the rest of the semester, & it had been quite some time since we last saw those spongecake.
flagged a cab and rushed down to Tiong and ran into the mall.
alas, it was sold out.
i almost cried.
this guy came over and offered me his.
but...brother loves the plain kind better and this guy's white chocolate spongecake.
he insisted, and just brought it back.
as expected, brother didn't really liked it.

feeling quite disappointed...

oh& bro got me pizza. just ate it despite having all that for dinner.
i'm like scary...

xxx

overdued events.
1.
dinner at Ajisen the other day with mum & dad.
dad was excited b/c it was a new franchise at Tiong, & they did the menu and posters and all.
thought it wasn't very nice.
like Ajitei better.

2.
went MarinaSq the other day with teddie.
was looking for a birthday gift for Sally (something Domokun) but there was nothing.
found Robinson & they actually sell Japanese food snacks.
we totally dig that.
Japanese peas nuts wasabi pistachio hard candies chocolate chip cookies mini cup jellies potato chips pan m&m dispenser crackers
& toy machines.
no, we didn't had any coins with us.
lingerie shopping with her, & damn it. shrank from B to A.
what the hell.
B was too tight, and A was just nice.
it's like damn weird can?
this is silly.
i'm like shrinking?!?! bet i'm not 1.58 anymore..
we just had to spend her vouchers away (40$) and most of it went to the snacks
drum-maniac was hell loads of fun
had dinner at Swensens.
shared baked rice. ordered this new seafood pineapple rice with cheese, but threw up shortly.
the manager was nice enough to changed it for fish baked rice for us.
i think it was mussels.
had malted strawberry milkshake.
lovee! made me feel much better though was still feeling queasy all over.

& these are all the fotos. it took damn long to load, but just had to do justice to efforts in taking them.

fam din at Ajitei

Mad Japanese snacks spree

Bugis with the girls

Del Mar with Arael

Munchie Monkey with Lydia

HuiMin's 20th Birthday

xoxo,
melodie

hello again.

2008-03-27T09:43:00.000-07:00

let's start over.
and anew.
with fresh determination.

here's to no regrets.
cheers.

starting to feel a little...

2008-03-22T23:28:00.000-07:00

1.
you know what...actually, I don't really actually like myself that much...
nothing but a facade
I despise and look down at that face staring blankly back in the mirror
what a bitch.
you're worth nothing you loser.
haha loser face I'm laughing at you.

I am afterall, a girl.
plain Jane who lives down the street, left turn, & left again, & walk another 67steps west.
keep walking and you'll see the house dangling by the cliff that's giving way.
you'll see the rude bitch.
skinny-bitch-wannabe.

2.
strongly feel that I ought to start taking growth hormones and go for plastic surgery and be an air stewardess or something.
I'm freaking sick of whatever I'm doing now.
or rather, more of myself.
should and ought to have taken up the modelling offer then.

3.
I'm fighting...a losing battle
is she not?

4.
It's only March 22 2008
far far FARR away from 5th May 2008
& I'm caught planning my getaway during my break
any other beings interested just text me.
just...~~no WFOs~~ as long as i know you personally.

5.
I'm so sweet, I'm going to give you cavities.

6.
who else is not?
[counting off fingers]
it seems like most of them are anyway
it's my turn next
I wonder how it feels to take a long drag
and exhale

7.
at times like these, you just have the mad urge to draw out a knife and chop off their penis
keep your eyes to yourself if you like them the way they are

8.
sleep deprivation.
presented on it, not working on it.
I'm still sleeping past 3am everyday, and waking up at around 6am everyday.
perhaps 7am on weekends.

9.
they're kicking me out of my dorm soon.
alas, sotong queen didn't realise the application was for 08/09 semester 1 as well, till it was 1day before deadline.
& she couldn't log in.
gah.
going to miss that place.

10.
don't like to be led on.
please don't do this...

xoxo,
itsjusther

macbook + ethnography socio + animal behavior

2008-03-22T08:14:00.000-07:00

top of wishlist:
1. MACBOOK!

but she probably won't let me get it (despite it being 4years) until my current laptop catches fire and swear and curse words start sprouting out.
at the same time.
so plain swearing and cursing won't get me anywhere near a MacBook.

damn it. i hate this laptop.
1. it's scary laggy
2. it shuts down on its own
3. it refuses to start up properly (starting up...blank)
4. it malfunctions at all the wrong timings (e.g. while typing my socio mid-term paper, blog entry CA for animal behavior module, uploading fotos)
5. it's freaking heavy

why i love MacBook.
1. it's damn prettyyyy!!!!
2. apple clan!
3. it seems more professional
4. supporter of iTunes/iPods! (it supports like all kind of music files, unlike a certain mp3 that only reads mp3.file and not wma.files)

yes that's shallow of me.

xxx

meanwhile, there's this sociology ethnography that i'm sharing here.
so, here goes:

Sociology 1101E ethnogrpahy

The above video was taken on 15th March 2008 and the write up based on our observation; what we see, hear, smell, touch.

Done by: Alvin, Gerald, Sara and me

Remarks:
Personally, after attending the event, and being a student here myself, my vision is very much coloured and bias, but from a sociological point of view, the entire event was dramatized. Playing down the less desirable reality, and playing up the little positive prospects and even to the extent of twisting and playing around with words to turn the minus parts into plus points.

Dramatizing of Evil. (making it seems 'ohh-so-good!')
I feel cheated.

xxx

Another individual assignment for Animal Behavior module down.

title topic was: Raccoons - Rascals or Ninjas?
approach: are they cheecky grinning rascals or skillful ninjas of the night?

it was pretty alrightt.
felt that i did the best i can given the limited timeframe.
except that the laptop came down on me just as i was finishing up and refused to start up till an hour later.
so, an hour worth of futile attempts at reviving this pile of...IT stuff.
gah.

xxx

on a final note, i hate going home.
holding on to this freedom dearly.
imagine this: projects after projects after projects.
some may take up a longer time than the other, but it comes to the same end that the day is burned, and drained, and no proper work is done.

i cant even study properly and i'm still lagging behind in bio psychology and japanese studies, and japanese language.
despite spending much time on the language, just not good at it.

and what's wrong with msn?
status was evidently changed to 'busy' and even added 'project conference' as personal message, and some ass still start talking to you and all.
happy about some birthday shit.
like i have the time to bother with stupid shit like these.

staying here is probably the best thing.
i can stay up till way past 3am mugging my soul out and wake up the next day at 6am to get ready for school.
at home? it was only near 2am and they started trying to get me to sleep and all.
ruining me.
really ruining me.
i am not going home after this time round.
off my hp and bye bye.

~~projects? there's always email.~~

congrats to lydiaa

2008-03-09T14:49:00.000-07:00

Re-edited

cos it doesn't seem satisfactory enough for my girls.

i thought i wont have anything to update, & that i'll only be here to post this:

CONGRATS LYDIAA!! :)
i think u did well!!
'cheers!

but a twist in the turn of events.
1.
Granduncle passed away.
stomach cancer.
by the time they found out, terminal stage.
the shock came more from this than him...

2.
~~bees~~ angry bees at my hostel block
as in a whole swarmp of them like in those cartoons?

3.
bro cooked 3 different meals for me on Friday night
French toast, egg fried rice, fusilli with tomato sauce base & hotdogs.

4.
Psychology career talk 2008
~~enlightened~~ confused. more than ever.
kismet.

5.
this person drew a doodle of me in the library
"your lovely smile & posture inspired me to high arts."

& that's pretty much it.
below are fotos of the grocery trip with bro, & the french toast, fried rice & pasta he cooked.
& the angry bees outside my dorm.

yr1 sem2 midterm break

2008-02-29T22:09:00.000-08:00

.100

& this starts off with what looks like an innocent post..
a post about the catching-up sessions & love-lunches with my lovelies.
haa

term break at the moment
much going out over the past few days.
good&bad.
depening from which point you're looking at.
from my point of view, it's painted. black.

anyway, quick brief update
catching up session with ZhiYao the other day
my first ben&jerry's
was quite mad when he didnt mentioned anything about his shin injury nor flu/cough (falling sick) over the phone & msn.
& yet he's still out.
walked slowly.
& malted ~~milkshake~~ strawberry milkshake is much more worth the bucks than the regular milkshake (Swensens)
malted version at Marina Sq, fills up to 3 tall glasses of milkshake! 3X the regular.
that was damn goot!
damn goot.
& more ~~love~~ strawberries!
nydc dinner; the usual
elephantino-cino chocolate milk thing..
gah.
can never get the spelling right
but that's why i love it even more
weird spellings that make people go round & round
movie (the L movie) with KahHeng & TeeYien
was better than i thought
show lasted about 2hours plus
ran into Angel & Coreen the other day after one of the project meetings
at Bugis
a new bag right after my white puma bag (17+ months old) gave way
the threads (previously was lousy-ly sewn) split & coins all over the place
& i'm pretty sure some are still left lying around Bugis Junction level 1
new bag is more spacious, big, waterproof, cheap.
it's the cheapest i can find at Bugis Village, so no complaints
though Esther thought it looks "auntie", while dear thought it's "classy" & made a prophecy that goes like this:
'within the next 10 years, Melodie-san will get a LV bag or something similar, meaning stupidly branded bags at exorbitant prices'
Superdog with my dearests
and it was uber delicious!
especially the iced-chocolate milk! ;q
i'm not one who'll take iced drinks, but actually finished the chocolate milk with the ice still in shape
& that says something.
the chicken ripper was good
rather costly if there wasn't offer
their fish'n'chips is pretty good too! kinda like Swensens according to dear
& their fries wasn't that salty
tartar sauce..MOS burger still the best! haa!
but i guess it's not very filling for guys?
dear thought the portion was rather small
but the chocolate milk was goot!
& i should really give the chocolate milk a rest now.
so anyway, SuperDog is new love! fav fastfood, & before MOS burger! haa!
it all boils down to them having chocolate milk! ;q
lunched with my girls at Al-ameen
butter-chicken + butter naan for me
& the usual milo dinosaur
it's damn nice! the combi was just uber delicious & satisfying
bro cooked the other day for me
french toast
it was..okayy
edible.
on a side note, home for term break because dad claimed that there's no one at hostel during the break & it's way too dangerous etc etc etc.
but that wasn't what convinced me to stay.
it was when granny came by with bags & bags loaded with my fav food, back from the market
she's cooking for me
didn't want to waste her efforts in getting all the ingredients, thus stayed
the way she's feeding me this week, it's like as if she thinks i'm malnutritioned in hostel.

bro's school started.
nyjc
& he's not loving it
but jj rock. for me.
his voice is pretty much dimmed. just like my eyes.
life has been sucked out of us by this effing stressful, overloading work
waking up to nightmares
how long can i last?
it seems incredibly surreal
or maybe that's the way i'm wishing it'll be
school has been real lousy
screwed up.
very.
i hate school i hate school i hate school
so tempted to take up Sociology as major & get the hell out of NUS ASAP
get out of my life already.
i want these no more.
last semester, CAP screwed up.
& this semester...
yes i'm damn mad and still mad
after reading teacher's email, asking where the hell our work is,
hell ya.
that's where he's going.

& i missed the flower fest.

another thing is, never
and i mean never ever ever,
turn up on a surprise visit at my hostel
because my face colour may not be very good
it may be either black or white
black, because of school & other equally anal issues
white is because i'm sick. or too hungry.
a big part of my allowance is spent on stationaries, namely pens. black pens.
but point is, msg before arriving at my doorstep

fed up..
with school
with everything
with the freak culture
with incessant buggers
with school
with everything
with the effing bell-curve
with the damn screwed up bidding system
with school
with everything
with pretending to be happy
with acting indifferent to current circumstances
with school
with everything
with school
...

what the hell.
go away already.
freaking mad.

& ohh. leap year.
happy whatever.
& this is coincidentally 100th post.
oh hurray.

new love - fang da tong & old love - jay chow

2008-02-24T22:04:00.000-08:00

.New Love

歌手：方大同
作曲：方大同

填詞：周耀輝

編曲：方大同

在　哪裡記載　一個桃花賊
誰在　哪裡典賣　第一枝紫玉釵

我在　這裡見怪更怪
見過電影裡面人家看海　更想去看海
唱過人家的愛　更想找愛
你哭起來　我笑起來
都為了　愛愛愛

有一天翻開辭海找不到愛
花不開　樹不擺　還是更暢快
愛　還是會期待　還是覺得孤單太失敗
我愛故我在

找到愛　幸福的人　肯不肯躲起來
正在　寂寞的人　能不能站起來

我在　這裡陪你無奈
讀過小說裡面人家等待　更習慣等待
唱過人家的愛　更想找愛
你喊出來　我靜下來
都為了　愛愛愛

揮不去滿天滿地的塵埃
買不起滿街口袋的品牌
你悶起來　我傻起來　可以愛
會不會整個時代只有一個告白
誰不愛過不存在
不明不白　不分好歹
都為了　愛愛愛

歌手：方大同
作曲：方大同

填詞：林夕

編曲：方大同

我終於跑了去唱歌　我不會感到了不得
我只是繼續給予自己快樂
我只是進了這圈子叫娛樂
你說我　變了
變了　變了　變了　變明星了

＊那為甚麼你
　立即把你素臉塗了一個五光十色
　那為甚麼你　當起了模特兒＊

＃我們一個七情上面唱著情歌
　另一個黑了臉走貓步繪形繪色
　深情的絕望的冷冰的火熱的
　一個有聲一個有色

　我用喉嚨把自己的感情表達
　你用你身體表演著別人的風格
　你為了讓我倆好像天造地設　wo...＃

你愛得我瘋了爽了絕了煩了乖了沒了

我為你寫了一首歌　可是你完全認不得
還問我是用心送給誰的
我只好敷衍你是寫給歌迷的
我說你　變了
變了　變了　變了　我快死了

REPEAT＊＃

ah...

我的天啦　你的眼蓋變深了
可是　你的眼光變淺了
你指甲　把我抓得夠緊啦
我也沒夢想炙手可熱　yeah...
我只寫寫歌　唱唱歌　給你聽　怕甚麼

REPEAT＃

你愛得我瘋了爽了絕了煩了乖了沒了

我写了这首歌
是一首简单歌
不复杂也不难唱的那一种歌

这不是那种
只剩下那钢琴的歌
也不是那种
不能只是朋友的歌
这不是那种
两个人的故事写在一本小说
那小说里有谁会在花田里犯了错
这就是一首写给你听的一个

Love song
一直想写一首
Love song
你给了我一首
Love song
那DJ会播放
这也许会上榜
如果我只想写出一首
Love song
一直想写一首
Love song
你给了我一首
Love song
你就像那夏天的凉风
吹过我的面孔
真想飞
在我心底
你就是我的
想说爱你

我写了这首歌
是一首简单歌
不复杂也不难唱的那一种歌

这不是那种童话里会遇见的歌
也不是那种真真切切爱我的歌
这不是那种
两个人的故事写在一本小说
那小说里有谁陪在看流星在降落
这就是一首写给你听的一个

Love song
一直想写一首
Love song
你给了我一首
Love song
那DJ会播放
这也许会上榜
如果我只想写出一首
Love song
一直想写一首
Love song
你给了我一首
Love song
你就像那夏天的凉风
吹过我的面孔
真想飞
在我心底
你就是我的
想说爱你

如果你是一幅画
你会是最珍贵的一幅画
如果那画家是梵高的话
有何贵人前来又献花
个个向你求嫁
梵高他说你们都该回家

如果你是melody
就是最动听
所有的人都会跟着你起唱
就算在夜晚你的心太亮
让我忘了月亮代表我的

Love song
一直想写一首
Love song
你给了我一首
Love song
那DJ会播放
这也许会上榜
如果我只想写出一首
Love song
一直想写一首
Love song
你给了我一首
Love song
你就像那夏天的凉风
吹过我的面孔
真想飞
在我心底
你就是我的
想说爱你

蘇麗珍
作曲 : 方大同　填詞 : 周耀輝　編曲 : 方大同　監製 : 方大同、EDWARD CHAN、CHARLES LEE

如果沒有如果　錯過才知錯過　連旗袍都會為你復活
還有什麼叫你一直沉默　拉拉拖拖　難道就是生活
一句話　一點墨　兩個人　快樂有幾多
你在寫一部寫不完的小說　還是怕一切都會告一段落

＊蘇麗珍　你叫我明白花樣的幽默
＃有情有義有時卻有年華的寂寞　對所愛的人不說　卻對自己太嚕唆
想啊想　這是對　還是錯　到最後總是想得太多＊＃

如果沒有如果　錯過才知錯過　連背影都會為你婆娑
還有什麼跟你永遠擦過　拉拉拖拖　難道就是生活
一個上　一個落　兩個人　美麗有幾多
你在爬一道爬不完的斜坡　還是想一切不如重頭來過

REPEAT＊

兩個人能夠開花就應該結果　能把握也就不該摔破
一輩子最怕闖過一種禍　是不是蹉跎

REPEAT＃

man. i'm so in love.
he's damn cute.
no one's with me on this?
even better! more for me!
he's ~~cancer~~ cancerian.

Love Song - & he used 'melody'!
okay fine.
maybe it's not exactly 'melodie' but it sounds the same.
he brings twinkle to my dimmed eyes.
*~~a little bit happy~~ happy happy HAPPY
for those who've met my *obsess* emoticon, that's pretty much how i'm acting now.
for those who have yet to met *obsess*, here it is!
OBSESS haa!
lmao.

♥♥♥

.Old Love (still love)

♥♥♥

struggling with work

2008-02-21T21:08:00.000-08:00

it's like a long run towards the finishing line.

how many more nights do i have to burn to catch up on my work again..?
been breathing eating notes & readings for days & nights
the last time i coughed, hiragana came out
it went 'ka'.
been sleeping little. from 0300 to 0600/0615...
it's like burning out. or inwardly.

come on self, you can do better...

a palimpsest of afterthoughts & sudden revelations

2008-02-16T22:28:00.000-08:00

but it's hard to say goodbye...

because, i'll learn

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn...

Veronica A. Shoffstall

& that's...something that i had told myself repeatedly, time & again.
i ought to write this down somewhere..
many times, i came here & write, & delete.
& write, & delete again.
a palimpsest of afterthoughts & sudden revelations

is loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right, & finding out that you love someone right after that person has walked out of your life.

sometimes you think you're already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them, just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again.

for some, letting go is one way of expressing how much they love a person, but for others it's holding on to that special feeling as long as possible before it fades away.

most relationships tend to fail not because of the absence of love.
love is always present...
it's just that one was being loved too much & the other wasn't being loved enough.
we all know that the heart is the center of the body, but it beats on the left. maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right.

most often, we fall in love with the person we think we love only to discover that for them, we are just a pass time, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger.

this is a piece of advice someone gave me: let go when you are hurting too much. give up when you or the other believes love isn't enough, & move on when things are not like before. there is someone out there who will honestly love you, & only then will you know true love.

这感觉已经不对, 我努力在挽回, 你却微笑的离我而去, 我最后才了解

when your hand slipped ~~through~~ past mine
when your eyes ran from mine
when you no longer hold me close to you & your heart
i know, i shouldnt force it upon you
& so, once again, afraid to love. again.

maybe i should treat this as a figment.
& suddenly all i want now's to stop the cynicism and maybe start feeling really happy.

kiss goodbye
paper heart

sick & still term pp to do

2008-02-09T23:35:00.000-08:00

it's not a good idea to fall sick when you still have lots of work undo.
this is so screwed up.
waited for around 2 hours at the doctor's.
39.8 degree c.
one day MC.
like it'll help.
frustrating.
& i thought i could study hard today & meet up with cousins tomorrow.
gahh.
so drowsy.
damn screwed up.

Chinese New Year 2008

2008-02-08T23:28:00.000-08:00

what Chinese New Year means to me

will like to make use of this opportunity to introduce to all, ~~WanJing's~~ most people's way of celebrating Chinese New Year. or maybe just the rough idea what it's all about. Chinese New Year marks the beginning of spring, a brand new year, according to the lunar calendar.

Getting started...

first on the list, spring cleaning. that's when mothers (usually mothers) throw away all your stuff they deem old/unnecessary/waste of space & gets all cranky & will snap back at you when interrupted while cleaning out the house. if one is a Buddhist (like my dad), he'll be more particular about going to the temple & such. there's a belief that on the first day on Chinese New Year, if one manages to plant the joss stick into the urb first, it'll be a really good year (prosperity, luck etc) for him. thus, in the early morning of Chinese New Year day 1, there'll be a mad crowd of people pushing & shoving outside the temple to get first place. another thing to note is that this is the year of the ~~mouse~~ rat. hence, decorations up follow the theme of 'The Year of The Rat'! find it rather amusing to find 80% of the red packets received this year to come in the design of mickey mouse hahaa.

the next thing, after spring cleaning, is Chinese New Year decorations, & that means off to Chinatown. it's like a family outing for most. dad loves that place & will never give it a miss. he loves getting into the festive joy of things. the usual things you'll see around Chinatown are decorative items, mass-produced Chinese New Year snacks (not as nice as home-made, we therefore, don't buy them), sparklers, sweets&candies, sugar-coated candies, melon seeds & such. another highlight of the bazaar, is the sales of Chinese New Year plants - small mandarin oranges potted plant, daffodils, pussy willows, cockcomb plant etc (grid 1-4, clockwise)

not forgetting another main thing (there're many things to do before & during Chinese New Year) is to get new clothes. curiously enough, unlike our other ethnic counterparts - Malays & Indians - we, as Chinese, seldom sport on our traditional cheongsam during this prominent Chinese festive. not saying that we no longer wear, but hmm. after much observation, it seems that the cheongsam has been transformed into what this writer calls a 'powersuit', meaning that females of high figure status e.g. LKY's wife, NUS ex-Dean, wear the cheongsam. it's just rare.

Reunion Dinner

on the eve of Chinese New Year, family gather together for the reunion dinner, usually in the form of steamboat. one of the main dishes, is the yu-sheng, which is like a mixture of vegetables, crackers, & raw fish slices etc. the main point is to mix up the entire dish & saying lucky phrases/quotes e.g. happy new year, prosperity.

another thing is lion dance + dragon dance. but lion dances are more common. not sure about other neighbourhoods, but they actually come door to door asking if we'll like them to "dance". it symbolises good fortune. but i guess it's still more common at shopping malls & offices.

Chinese New Year goodies/snacks

next highlight, the food! this is the best part!
Chinese New Year comes hand in hand with lovely cookies, which are always pleasurable to just look at!

Grid 1: Ta-dah! These are rice-cakes! People using facebook, there's this 'give rice-cake' feature & this is what it looks like, & there are many other designs too, for example in the shape of a gold bar, longeivity fishes, longeivity peaches, piglets etc. There's something between longeivity & Chinese hmm. But anyway, there are many many MANY ways to prepare this thing - fried, steam, battered etc. A personal love!!

Grid 2 & 8: These are pineapple tarts - pineapple jam either enclosed in or topped on top of buttery pastry. my message is simply: pineapple tarts are LOVE!!

Grid 3: This is what we call 'bakkwa' a.k.a oily oily slices of bbq pork/chicken/beef. they smell really nice, taste pretty alright but not a big fan of bakkwa myself. it's kinda weird why people choose to queue up for them at Chinatown (the queue is terrible!) when other outlets are pretty vacant? the queue is not that bad at other places compared to the one at Chinatown. festive mood might just be one driving factor. Chinatown is, afterall, our so-called Chinese heritage.

Grid 4: These are candies & sugar-coated snack that have names that means good fortune, luck, prosperity etc my mum loves them. i find them a little too sweet! but they're pretty to look at!

Grid 5: These are melon seeds, or what a friend of mine used to call 'hamster food', but anyway he's weird. he calls vegetables (carrots & cabbages in particular) 'rabbit food', which i find highly offended cos i love carrots & cabbages. there has better be nothing personal there.

Grid 6: These are what i call peanut dainties. not usually much of a peanut lover but if baked right, these cookies are really nice. nutty in taste and has the right sweetness that will entice us to reach for a second one and more! nuts are actually cashew nuts. though some may be peanuts. there are some that comes in the shape of the cresent moon (i know b/c i've seen them, ate them, & my friend made them! hahaa!)

Grid 7: These are kueh bangkit - melt in the mouth coconutty biscuits. Not a big fan of this but mum & bro enjoy them lots. Thought they taste more flour-ry than coconutty. i suppose they come in different shapes too.

Grid 9: These are love letters. Nice & crispy! They come in different shapes & flavours too, but these are the more traditional likes. there're folded love letters, some comes with fillings like chocolate etc.

*note: snacks & goodies dont just stop at these. there are like kuehs & lapis cake, pandan cake, preserved plums/olives etc. all sorts.

Visiting

first stop is usually to old elders' houses, with two mandarin oranges. catching up sessions, & mahjong sessions. oh & poker, blackjack etc sessions. for the little kids, poppers & sparklers, & even catching up & down the entire block (if it's raining, else at the playground)

there are always pretty roundabouts/revolving plates filled with all kinds of treats. some may be more troublesome as in they have a separate compartment for each, instead of just one lid of the whole thing. but it's still kinda fun when you're playing with little cousins/nephew/nieces & have to eat whatever you open. you have an advantage when you eat everything.

Superstitions?

there are certain ~~superstitions~~ things that most Chinese believe with regards to Chinese New Year.

first, no cleaning of the house during the first 2 or 3 days of Chinese New Year b/c you'll be sweeping out the good luck.
another thing will be not to wash ur hair during the first 2 or 3 days of Chinese New Year..something to do with fortune & luck again.
& the elders are more particular about this, which is no black.
hmm, & can't swear during Chinese New Year nor argue/disagreement/fight.

most adopt the 'better-follow-or-else' attitude towards all these.

---

just in case you start running off with the idea that my Chinese New Year was loads of fun, you're wrong.

this is the worst Chinese New Year.
first, i'm half sick (throat hurts) & i'm really in no mood at all.
all that i can think of is the 2tests, 1 lecture test, 1 oral test, 1 term paper, 1 project proposal, 1 write-up that is all due next week.

second, mum & dad had a fight. me & dad had a fight.
in short, it was an emo affair.

lastly, i didnt get to see my fav cousin Edwin b/c he had NS duties, & Serene & Florine came late this year. by the time both of them arrived, we had to leave. Edwin's booking out on Saturday. but my workload is piling up. gahh this Chinese New Year is damn screwed up. feel like burning down the camp.

something is very wrong with me. very very wrong.
so exhausted.

when all you have is the girl in the mirror

2008-02-02T13:47:00.000-08:00

when all you have, is the girl in the mirror...
things tend to go a little weird

but don't you agree some days just feel this good?

i'm putting my ~~foot~~ book down & here to update as promised

first three weeks of school has been hectic
sure i started off on the first day adapting to hostel life, & more importantly, bugs as my room-mates to stay

& missed the entire day's schedule of lectures..(which frankly screwed my mood for that entire day!).. cos was busy unpacking everything & just lost track of time as usual...

BUT butbut, i'm proud to say i haven't skipped anything since. so.. ya, lets just pretend the first day of school boo-boo didnt occur!

life's pace is justright, now..
brush teeth, lectures & tutorials till evening, library till midnight, shower, study more, sleep..
the new schedule feels unhealthy & not manageable.. BUT thankful for the weekends off from school - it'll be so helpful when the pace starts to quicken , for sure. & i'm definitely thankful to get to see esther at least once a week, or whenever possible, for lunch. & i'm thankful to have Vincent's company for breakfast at times. & lastly, i'm thankful to be able to see familiar faces, & new friendly faces in tutorials. &yes, i've made a new girl friend, & her name is Niva. there're a couple of other girls who were pretty alright with me too.
& im sure glad we've all settled down into the new rhythm of things and grown somewhat comfortable with the few going-to-be-familiar-faces in tutorials. thank goodness!
on the other hand, just a note to all that i'll most probably not be online from mondays to thursdays simply because i have Japanese tests (Japanese Language & Japanese Studies) on tues, wed, thurs & fri. yeayea, it's like as if the other 3 modules doesn't exist anymore...

& this sure isn't your typical boring old story. because it is exactly this simplicity which effectively drives home the core of the much too common phrase : "falling in love".it used to be all about missed opportunities. years pass, & we see how their last encounter has changed both of them quite abit.. but they're still.. nevermind. but haha yeayea..that's us & missed opportunities. something all too familiar i'm afraid. which i admit, is kinda why i like it. the feeling of missing something, or of the cold wind against those hot tears, with the small sad smile.

& before i go, i just want write 5 words: i hope it does happen.

---
Added Portion

rightt. so my girls just screamed i didnt update on other things.
so here it is.

Academics
Biological Psychology, Sociology, Japanese Studies, Japanese Language & Animal Behavior.

we'd chopped up brains; ranging from diseased brain to infant's to aged brains & a so-called mouldy brain. with reference to the foto grid below, those greenish lining arent moulds. ~~they're~~ they were blood. it's because of chemical effects. & i'm having problem drawing brains. it looks cotton-candyish! gahh. i'll post a picture when i'm done. oh & there's one that's with the tumour removed. so damn cool. but the brain is amazingly like..tofu-ish. & there's one part which looks like a seahorse, & another like swiss-roll. Niva thinks the lecturer's hot. disagree! lol i think Socio lecturer even hotter! mum & granny thinks the brains are awfully gross & sick. but isn't it amazing? there's one part of the brain, which kinda looks like an omega sign!

my girls
lunched at Al-ameen with my girls the other day (before tutorials start) & as usual, their prata was really filling (for me)
But butbut, i'm definitely going to order butter-chicken + naan next time!
snitched a little of Lala & Sharm's butter-chicken & one naan & it was superb!!
it's not very spicy. & definitely eating more stuff now like curry katsu, & now this. yeayea

been living on school food most of the time, & tastebuds not sick of it yet
my bento set (Dory tamago-ni set!), katsu don, curry katsu..beancurb, yong tau foo the usual..
its really heaty & that's where chrysanthemum tea & watermelon comes in

anyway, we head off to Island Cremery for ice-cream thereafter!
so much love! & much joy!
mini alaska!
& much thanks to Esther's gift from Bangkok!
i want to go Bangkok too! & Bintan & Taiwan & Japan! & cruise!
& this list is just getting longer.

educating...

okayy dears, today we're learning how to differentiate racoons from skunks for the sake of doing so
now, anyone? come on now, this picture is glaringly obvious & self-explanatory with denotations already

yes Esther?
nono silly, u're confused, that's not a skunk it's a racoon tsk tsk
the picture below is not of a skunk either..it's a racoon that probably works at the circus & suffering from narcisim.

dearest brother :)
on a happier note, brother did really well for his 'O' levels! was getting rather worried before, after he told me that he was afriad history will repeat itself (PSLE)..
but now, BRING OUT THE PARTY POPPERS THE STREAMERS & SPORT ON COLOURFUL PARTY HATS ! PLATES OF WHIPPED CREAM TO ATTACK THAT 8-POINTER!!!

well done. i'm just glad he at least made it somewhere.
now to pray that his jc life will be a good one. not necessary a smooth one. but an..one that will help him grow.
he's a smart ass la.
cant help feeling proud of him! not just b/c of his marks, but something else too.
the mindset. which mum & dad doesnt seem to understand.

love
i admit. i've been so used to me & myself, that i've forgotten how it's like to love.
love, they say, is not a feeling. it's an ability.
& i said: did you get that out of the movie?
& yea, they did. from 'Dan in Real Life'.
but how true it is.
& how sad things get when all ~~u're~~ i'm left with is a spoonful of emotions/feelings - stress/tired/contented/weird/embarrassed
stress.tired.contented. self-explanatory.
weird. embarrassed when people stare. or weird with people sitting/walking next to me, with me.
how many times must i repeat that it's rude to stare?
but, i'm trying to adapt. having someone by my side.
just sing. really.
the way you said it, it's like as if i'm a flirt & so dang sociable.
HuiMin & QianLing's theory is that i'm not sociable.
& that people just come up to me & ask me out. with empirical evidences.
i lost my case.
gahh.
but still,
is this what they call, 'the little surprises' in life?
it caught me unaware...

hostel
i hereby annouce that, i've settled down & thankful for my hostel.
now, i can study till as late as i fancy.

lastly, theme song changed to 彩虹 by Jay Chow.
the rainbow is more beautiful than the pot at the end of it,because the rainbow is now.

♥♥♥

'O' level results release..

2008-01-23T22:02:00.000-08:00

remember how we use to fold these colourful stars way back in primary school, or even secondary school??

i'm not sure if everyone shares the same custom, but Bao, Pei, Kai, Jolyn & me had shared this custom of folding a bottle of wish-ed stars, colourful stars, for a particular teacher. each write a wish for our teacher, & fold the rest of the stars & repeating the wish verbally...

"i wish Mrs Tang will be happy for the days to come..."
[pops a star in]
"i wish Mrs Tang will have a good life after she retire..."
[pops a star in]
"i wish..Mrs Tang wasn't leaving..."
[pops plenty plenty stars in]

& now, though it's impossible for me to get any star-paper & glass bottle now, the picture will have to do...

"i wish my brother will do well for his 'O' levels..& even if not, i wish he'll be able to brave through it...& let the same be for my girls as well!"

good luck!

♥♥♥

out of bug-spray

2008-01-20T11:49:00.000-08:00

in my strong opinion, bug-spray should really not come with realistic drawings of pests/insects on them.
the first place anyone's getting bug-spray, is because either they can't stand bugs, or they're terrified of bugs, or they just don't want to dirty their hands.
bug spray should really come in pretty cans like the one in the picture, or at least just a plain can with the words "BUG-SPRAY! run for your sorry lives bugs!" emblazoned on instead.
else, it kinda defeats the purpose.

& that's the world, according to yours truly.
to hell with the realistic bugs drawings on spray-cans! curse you!
& now i'm without bug-sprays.
& i don't like bugs. bfft.
gahh.

hostel check-in

2008-01-14T21:56:00.000-08:00

before checking in...

at 0700
socks? check.
alarm clock? check.
bunny??? check.
ready? lets go.

checking in...

at 0935
this is your room key, room 505, block D & that's the drawer key
okayy thanks

after checking in...

at 0950
[reaches room 505, & door was half open]
hmm?? [knocks]
sorry excuse me, are you cleaning the room..?
huh?? this is my room!
ohh sorry sorry..

excuse me, do you know where block D is?
oh, this is tower block, i'll bring you to block D
ohh okayy thanks!

at 1020
okayy that's it, you take care arh, can still come back home anytime, dont have to be weekends kayy? byee girl
okayy byee..

---

& there you have it.
your spoilt brat last seen working hard at cleaning out the room
got lost earlier, appeared to be a total lost sheep
the room is much cleaner now, & perhaps the only dirty smelly being in the room is me
maybe plus my rabbit
the room has a pretty nice view, near Cheers & bus-stop
& if i'm hardworking, walking to my faculty will be a great workout
& so is frequenting the track
room is on the 5th floor, great workout climbing up & down
more cosy than before i stepped in
lights are pretty dim though
it's brighter now with the curtains drawn back
room's itchy
bugs bugs bugs bugs bugs
ek. oofah.

first ground rule to self, no eating in the room
i dont want ants as my room-mates
i've got my toy rabbit!

the fotos they showed us were a bunch of lies
it's alot more dusty, itchy, buggy & dim than it shows
aha! PHOTOSHOP! must be!
gahh.
well, that or they cleaned the room thoroughly, squished all bugs & vacummed the dust-bunies before taking pictures
sly

alrightt, some fotos of my dorm

it looks much much decent than first stepped in because i really cleaned the place
the furnitures, & wiped the floor twice, first with soap
& windows, unpacked stuffs & still much room left

met up with my pretties for lunch
& met Jason along the way, Elaine & Esther Kong while buying food..ZhaoYing at Co-op
had katsu curry set! been so looking forward to the jap food stall! ;d
lovely catching up session, but what's missing has got to be Sharm!!!
just for her, this is a foto of us :)

till next time sweetie

♥♥♥

first week of 2008

2008-01-08T16:25:00.000-08:00

"is it just me or is the floor uneven..."
"it's just you"

& my message is this:
never, & i mean never ever ever, wear 3.5inches killer heels & shop from FarEast to Wisma to Taka to Cine to Heeren to Dhoby to Bugis to Vivo.
unless you really heart angry blisters & pieces of your skin coming off, then i rest my case.
...

& that was our shopping spree along almost the whole of Orchard
much places were on sale & we'd got so much stuff!
got a new wallet/clutch which was really worth it!
the original price was 76$/+?? but got it for half its price!
tops & a pair of new shorts & two pairs of vintage slippers
...

& what's more is we went for lunch at Gelare (FarEast), & dinner at PastaMania (Bugis)
so full... so need to exercise...
threw up after having the pasta
i'm guessing it's too much cream sauce
& that's why i voted for NYDC
okayy fine just wanted the chocolate milk
...

---------

not much updates
life been revolving around rotting, chocolates, a bad throat, mahjong, tvi, eating & sleeping & breathing
...

went back to jj the other day to fetch brother after his orientation camp
he withdrew from school for personal reasons
took a few fotos
...

it wasnt easy taking it all in
being an emotional being, i really...
love those days.
& dad wasnt helping, making loud remarks, breaking it all down.
didn't wander far
...

& met up with WeeEng, who couldn't recognised me at first, for lunch at a hawker near Queensway
bought the jap food for me all the way from his school
new Queensway skirt looks better in terms of colour..
but length wise, it's still too long & looks pretty awful
the new PE attire is worst
it's PURPLE!! & jersey kind material
colour of house around the collar
speechless
...

& so far, new timetable really sucks.
school everyday & the timing is so off
full day - 0900 to 1800 w/o break
& the other lessons are spread out to one lecture/tutorial per day
timing goes like this - 1600-1800, 1200-1400, 1800-2000, 1700-2200 etc
still waiting for certain class timetable to be uploaded
...

& i've decided not to meet up after all
but he ran out
it's as if he knew i'd showed up but just didnt take up that empty seat next to him
watched him ran down the street searching
raindrops falling hp ringing tears falling
...
this IS for the better
...

& turned down the offer from the company
it's a 5 session training course on catwalking, makeup & the likes of it
sponsored 2000$ training course
there were 3 auditions & the pay is really attractive
probably cover up hostel fees
passed the auditions, but the final decision still lies with me
so i turned them down
after much serious considerations
the opportunity cost is unthinkable
it's either i quit school, go for full-time, or give up this opportunity & focus on studies a.k.a fulltime mugger
chose the latter
& they thought that was pretty stupid of me
...

& had dinner with fam on new year eve at Ajitei
they had another disagreement
& by they, i meant mum & dad
not me, not brother
it's the usual personality conflicts
dad blamed it on PMS
mum got mad at me when i asked about CNY day 3
but didnt thought it was deliberate
my point is...
i know she doesn't like those uncles & aunties & all those visiting etc
but i happen to love my cousins
& Edwin cant make it on day1, only day3 & i was so looking forward to CNY & won't mind visiting cousin Serene & Florine's house & all that
but she does
...

i wish his officer will suffer from amnesia & forget he ever put Edwin on guard duty
cast a spell or something
...
& despite a serious attempt to make it sound like a normal movie & going out kind of thing, people started interrogating whether KahHeng is my boyfriend
i had it.
& something more amusing is that people thought Edwin's my boyfriend just because we've been spamming each other's "wall" (a facebook feature)
they're enjoying it
you would have thought they had unlimited out-going calls & smses
been appearing online less lest be harassed
incessant beepings..
gahh this is getting ridiculous
...

& Est & me had decided to advocate singlehood
but think she's just saying it now
not meaning it on her part
losing sanity
...

To Improvement & To No Regrets, cheers. - 2008

2008-01-01T22:42:00.000-08:00

'i want to start afresh with you..'- he says.

the other voice
what i hear is resounding and clear. it says :
so he tries to play the "kind role"
so he explains himself
while making no promises.
because he doesn't want to make them anyway.

he's treating me like a fool with his lame reasons he gives and i was letting him.
they say..i deserve better.

each day is like one more gap that sets me away from you ever since the day we part.
when i stop busying myself, it hurts.
but by saying that, its not as if it can change anything.
you're not going to care, to reply, to come back
nor stop the hurt.

but as i let each day pass, it strikes me that one day, the gaps added up together will make me so far away - by then our images will look so small - that it's easier to just stop squinting and close my eyes.
or let the waves and tide come take it all away.
...

secretly i allow myself to think for a second that: "this may be for the better, afterall"
and i see a vicious cycle forming already.
i guess i was kidding myself when i persuaded myself to believe i persuaded myself.
does it make any sense?
yepp, it ain't supposed to.
the only thing that revives is that hope on a string babe. so bad. so so bad its gonna snap, i know.
"we're young, we're fine, let's do some damage."
...

& then you message again, with contents that ~~make~~ used to make me feel loved.
now, it just confuses me.
twirling round the edges.
was i the selfish one back then as you said? or were you trying to make yourself feel better?
oh, that's right.
make me carry all the blame & you forgiving me of my so-called faults, & returning to your side.

& now i just feel lost.
maybe love is not my kind of game, but just a glaring weakness.
you laughed when i cried, each time the tide takes our love letters from the sand...

JS says, "dont fall for someone unless they're willing to catch you.."
& that was meant to make me laugh..
i think
not smiling

-----------

looking back, the countdown to 07 had been spent at home.
it was an emo affair, sans loved ones; just the wind coupled with the kind of thoughts that'll only invade sad souls, for company.
no poppers, no alcohol, no fireworks, no laughs.
although this year had all of that and more, i have to admit, it still wasn't what i would call perfect.
nope, no perfectionist here.
but just that i guess (and all of you would agree) it would be much better if we had each other

yes, 07/08, we ought to take a leap.
maybe it might have started out imperfect, but what proof is this on its own?
08 WILL be a fantastic year
yes, lets challenge our cynical voices at the back of our heads.
of course we may screw the resolutions, but lets not limit anything.
Only with this in mind shall the year ahead truly be one heading in the right direction.

with that, let's ring in the new year my friends!
To Improvement & To No Regrets, cheers.

2007 goodbye

2007-12-31T16:48:00.000-08:00

*one-way, no U-turn*

2007 reflections

flowers in the attic; dusty corners & aging scents

nostalgic. miss jj so much. whenever my girls mentioned stuffs like, "oh there's a coffee club in our school rightt?" i'll think of jj, & can't recall the presence of a CoffeeClub. cos the school they were referring to, is NUS. not jj. miss OGL days, 05A06, the mornings with Elaine & xx, the 6months working with GradNight Comm, Air-Rifle & Air-Pistol team, skipping PC & Chinese lectures, the Malay foodstall, 60cents ice-cream, the 3 bus-stops away dessert stall, hanging around JP, watching him at bball practices, the cat that accompanied us during our late night muggings, Chairman Mao's monologue, everyone in jj etc

in comparison with jj, current school is nowhere near. but i'll give credit to the Jap foodstall & the YongTauFoo stall. perhaps when Edwin's in NUS too, it'll be better? he's real nice & he's most probably taking psychology too! but he'll be my junior haa
Arts Camp was a total fiasco & cost alot. gahh. jj orientation camp was much much fun. & new bonds of friendships were formed then. arts camp? it's kinda hard when most people there come in bulk from ACJC, CJC, SAJC & such. plus, i didnt tried. was way too ticked off by the speed-dating+blind-dating part of the camp to even bother talking to much people. was telling my OGL that i detest the speed-dating part, after he told us that they actually kept changing the programmes so that it fits what SDU wanted. made a remark when i found out, "DAMM IT! the government & SDU or whatever stops at my doorstep & they are not coming into the bedroom & telling me who to sleep with!"
mean.

but NUS is okay. pretty much by myself most of the time. & made a few friends like Jason, Zaid, June, Pam, XinHui, Ele, XY, Judith, SzeMin, Niva, ZuHui, Lester, Vincent, Hannah ... & seeing that i practically missed most economics tutorial, didnt get to know anyone much, except ZuHui i guess.
anyway, next semester will be better
so i guess, when they said that being nostalgic is a negative assessment of the present, that's not necessarily true. there is always something to treasure of the present. it's only natural to miss when something is gone. for good. there's no turning back.

realised that there's this special affinity shared between me & those little thinkers at Gracefield & BoonLay PAP. hearts. really enjoyed myself with them. miss hugging Dalon to sleep. miss Clara's hand holding on tightly to mine. miss Natalie's pretty dancing. miss Lilia's kawaii voice. my one & a half years old toddlers. & my other classes, from N1 to N2 to K1 to K2. joyous innocence. unconditional love.

working at retail's pretty awesome too. i know it's minimum wage, but it's a really different experience to be looking at things from my collegues' window. they may be what some termed as the marginalised people, studying in ITE, NormalTech etc. people who are deemed as lower end & such. to see things from a different perspective makes you think more & feel the way they feel. learned much from them & they were awfully nice to me, despite they had the stereotype that JC people looks down on people who arent academically inclined. that's what Bao, Beverly, Coreen, ZhiIng, JiaJia, LingLi & some other friends love about me. i know cos i'm not exactly academically inclined either.

met up with a number of primary school & secondary school friends this year. BaoHui, Beverly, KahHeng, TeeYien, BoonTat, QianLing, HuiMin, WeeEng, WaiYing, Erika, WenLi, Tisha, Jocelyn, Samantha etc.
keep it going.

so, on the whole, there'd been ups & downs, melodramatic moments throughout the year. that's how my life has always been in a way or more. & that's how i like it too. life can't always been smooth-sailing right? & that's not the way i like it either. will probably turn complacent or bored to death. love thrills & sudden winds. an unexpected wind to blow skirt up every once in a while. whether a surprise attack or a sneaky catch. moments where saltwater fills up in the windows to the soul, & all the soul wants is a way out. & do foolish things. feel that i've grown much this year. i wish i could say i've broken the glass wall, but afraid to step out because of the jagged edges that remains to hurt me. he said, to wait for someone to lend out a helping hand, to pull me out of the shattered pieces & broken glass. but i'm still turning them down. because i yearn to learn to stand on my own two feet. & not to be broken with one blow again. one day..i will make it there. watch me. love the people around me, who are a part of my life in a way or more. hope to learn from my toddlers, the giving & taking of unconditional love. in whatever relationships, to give & take, & not expect. to be frank. another thing learnt - in love, it's either you love or you don't. & now, to put it into practice. & to leap, before i am afraid. there's still much to improve on. to learn to deal with disappointments. to learn to deal with fears.

i wished i had blogged more about days in jj. re-reading posts, & it pained me to miss out the tiny details like how ZY ~~bullied~~ teased me, kept me company, the walk to dessert shop & all those silly little things i love.

it seemed the tendency to exaggerate still remains. what can i say? it's in the blood.

keeping things realistic, my 2008 resolutions:
1. study
2. lose weight+slim down
3. confident factor
4. yoga
5. fruits
6. part-time job
7. exercise
8. make friends

quotes to bear in mind:
- perfectionist can be an obstacle
- each day brings a chance to do better

goodbyee 2007, & hello 2008
♥♥♥

checkmate - hostel case won

2007-12-30T22:58:00.000-08:00

*échec et mat*

emerged victorious after putting forward my case & a strong front
heck, i didn't even yelled for dad when there was a lizard in the bathroom the other day
so there
a little scared, plus was bathing & helpless at that point of time
but screaming for help will add a bonus point to mum+brother's side, & reflect badly on my case

after much civil negotiation with daddy, final conclusions were drawn
note - it failed with mum, cos ended up hollering at each other stupid things
you get the picture

- paying for hostel with my own savings
- no atm card or other easy-credit-withdrawals card
- "allowance" on forthnight basis, but from my own account again, meaning they'll withdraw from my savings & give it to me, only when i return home
- laundry + 3meals + travel fees = none of their business
- phone ~~home~~ back every night
- no boyfriend

thus, it all points back to me having to look for a job during the 3months holiday after the semester
spent the past few days scouting out food outlets near hostel, their operating hours & such

i'm sorry they thought i'll give in & give up, after telling them that mum+brother objected
that they thought i'll just submit
not being rebellious
this is call fighting to learn to be more independent
hardship rubs off people
build character
that sounds better
this whole attitude strongly reminded me of the Milgram's Study though
ohyesh
the movie, In the Valley of Elah, that reminded me of the prison study

~~the girls~~ Est accussed me of spending too much time with guys
even after spending much time re-editing the post on Christmas eve, to make it sound nothing more than friends, just so that i won't be interrogated again
attempts were evidently futile
their disapprovals will probably never end, cos i'll probably not change
i did nothing wrong right?
but labelled as promiscuous now

note*
on a sadder note, Edwin will only be out on the 3rd day of CNY
...
he has guard duties
i wish..he'll come to NUS real soon
getting impatient.. really
there's this 99.9% of me not being able to see my nicest cousin for another whole year
-sigh-

him+Wister, are two guys i know, who thinks superficial looks are secondary, & kept questioning why i've ditched my glasses, & that if a guy really likes me, he won't mind those dweepy glasses
confidence is the key, they always say
my rebuttal: more confident without my glasses
& they said, character's important too & u're real nice..one day someone will realise you're a gem
rightt

i declare case1 - hostel war - closed.

last haircut of 2007

2007-12-30T22:30:00.000-08:00

*grumble grumble*

back from the hairdresser's, & the last time i checked, 1 inch is not equals to 5 frigging centimeters!
[grumbles somemore]
stupid lousy lousy lousyyy
unwanted haircut/haircut that turned out different from expected = story of my life
[rawrs]
if i was a witch, would have cursed their asses off!
[grumbles again]

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!!!

[nothing happened]

[grumbles somemore again]

Christmas 23rd-28th Dec

2007-12-28T17:14:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas! :)
& that's the dark chocolate christmas cake daddy got for us
sweet!
i meant my daddy.
not the cake.

♥♥♥

early Christmas dinner with family on Sunday, 23rd Dec
shared with mum
ice-cream
cream of pumkin
caramel onions
there was this lovely stall selling the most gorgeous candle-holders
artistic & beautiful
but mum thinks it takes up space

***

24th Dec, Monday

woke up bright & early!
but not early enough to tidy up my messy room
yoga-ed. & BaoHui came over.
3rd friend to my house
table in a mess
met up with her friend, HuiMin & head down to Bugis
x'mas present from BaoHui = a pair of red heels
not the usual flat heels, but high heels
prettyy
it helps to share same feet size lols

walked to Suntec City & shopped at Carrefour
found Irish Cream (Bailey's)
so that's how it looks like
next time then

got lost at Suntec & arrived later than KahHeng at CityHall MRT
next time, sticking to the Citylink Mall
not taking the outside route
got tickets for National Treasure at MarinaSq

went to this bar at Esplanade
one jug - vodka
not drunk
maybe slightly tippsy
but not that bad
at this point, my girls will freak
cos they're against drinking, & even so, me drinking
the music was loud, but some of the songs were actually quite nice & familiar
can never remember song titles tsk
the movie was okayy, but the theatre was not okayy
it was frigging cold
like back in that school library
& some characters just make you want to march up to the screen & tear them to pieces
there's this character who was so rotten, that you'll just feel like slapping him upside down & inside out

okayy fine it's only a movie

foto:
by the bar
oofah
sprite vodka

stayed up for the rest of the night in a park
there was a ~~mouse~~ ~~rat~~ mouse
good part was that the mouse was not at my feet
bad part, i thought it was quite near us
it was hovering in the background
paranoid paranoid
oofah
i've never been more appreciative of cats
anyway, i was ready to jump onto the bench if it came any closer

learned some things about KahHeng
to conclude, he's changed
according to Bao, wasn't very nice in primary school, but seems to be much nicer now

& i feel so vulnerable cos i'm afraid of so many things like insects, dentists, clowns, water, lightning&thunder, horror films&stories..
the list can go on forever
& i've always thought guys enjoy girls chasing after them
apparently not all
& not all girls enjoy guys chasing after them either
really!
& i don't think i'll go on, lest people start bombarding me on msn or sms again, interrogating me whether so & so is my boyfriend
but anyway, i know there's this girl who's strongly attracted to him
~~i wonder if..~~

a question was asked - like, what kind of girl/guy we like
hmm good question
i've no idea as well...

left at around 0630 (25th Dec)
the bus was freezing too
almost fell asleep on the bus
but was wide awake when i saw a 103$ receipt on my table
brother's new jacket
been wearing it everyday at home & admiring self/jacket in my mirror
he can get this weird sometimes
but i'm used to it anyway hahaa
when mum & dad woke up, knew something was wrong
obviously, another arguement broke out between them
& no prizes for guessing right
it's definitely the personality clash between mum & dad
dad loves going out, mum detests going out etc
& that's probably why we don't like Christmas
cos she'll ruin our festive mood
like how she tore down the Christmas deco/ornaments i'd hung up around the house, & dumped them back into my room
didn't sleep much
just had to catch the Christmas special cartoons!
it was cute

& now i'm confused as to continue with the day's events or draw a line..
never mind
the mood at home was..there's alot of tension
went down to TiongBahru Park
started playing with some of the kids
reliving childhood
games like tag, catching, hide-&-seek, red-light green-light etc
& they've improvised the game
like for catching, can't just "twix" there forever & it only lasts for 10 seconds, & you can only use it..i think 5 times?
anyway, we lost
cos the kids couldnt count properly; eg. 1234789 10!!
& they actually stand in front of you with their hands 1cm away from your face, waiting for 10seconds to be over
& they were small enough to run under the playground etc
it was loads of fun, like back at Gracefield
hearts the merry-go-round & swings!!
can't exactly hog the swings cos that's like a hot fav among kids, so we were hogging the merry-go-round instead
the train was badly vandalised, probably by students from my brother's school
was looking for some vandal related to him, but none
~~people-watched~~ family-watched
domestic idyll. heart warming.
father teaching daughter how to ride a bicycle
family making sand castles
mother playing with her child at those horse/zebra thingy
father waiting to catch the child at the end of the slide
swinging the child, who's screaming "higher!! weeee!!"
daddies spinning the merry-go-round, walking round & round & round

mahjong-ed at TY's place
with TeeYien, KahHeng, Glamis & ~~Debra~~ his gf (Debra...i think)
thought she looks like those intellectual kind
anyway, was super tired after playing catching with ~~midgets~~ little kids
seriously, kids nowadays are kinda small
can't believe that boy's primary 3
he looks like primary 1
& girls look mature

the world is spinning along with me
after climbing down the merry-go-round

one moment, was playing & all
the next, was brain drained while playing mahjong

***

~~25th Dec, Tuesday~~ 26th Dec, Wednesday

Jeff's leaving for M'sia
holiday
like BaoHui
& Erika's returning to Australia soon too
so suddenly, everyone's going overseas again
& catching-up session with Jeff postponed till he's back then
miss all the lol-days back in jj with him, Lydia & Sally
been watching alot of movies this holiday
Golden Compass Warlords National Treasure I Am Legeng In The Valley Of Elah etc etc

ohyes
hostel application approved!
that's major good news for me
but mum objects & so does brother for once
their stand: lonely & cant bear to see me leave them, & that they'll miss me, no one to talk to etc etc
daddy objected as well, but does agree with me that staying in hostel will be more independent & that builds character
mum thinks that it's expensive & ridiculous to stay in hostel etc etc
if i wanted, she said, i could sell myself for 1020$ & pay for my own hostel fees

***

27th Dec, Thursday

met up my girls again!
according to Est, it has been 10 solid days since
dressed up again
town again
the queue was effing long & this woman cut ~~our~~ the queue
people behind were grumbling & pointing at her
she wasn't even behind us, & Lala tried blocking her
smart ass, used her son who was tiny & we didn't even noticed him
he went right in front of us & the mum pretended to go after him & asked the guard something
Est looked ready to kill

Est wanted to get a YogiBear top from Zara but the queue was uber effing long again
it's like everyone's still on Christmas holiday
approached by this girl who was trying to persuade me to join some modelling company
left my number this time
foresee that i'll probably need the extra income soon for my hostel at the rate me & that woman is going
it's like photoshoots & i get paid right? & photoshoots won't take long either right? so it probably won't affect my studies right?
right?

after the movie, Est couldn't find the top & was really upset
could tell that her mood had a drastic change
no longer blooming like before when she was still dating him
she looked sad despite claiming that she enjoys being single
but still reminiscing

went to TCC (between Orchard Emerald & Centrepoint)
the ambience there was as beautiful as i remembered
ordered usual passionfruit drink
shared wedges with Est
gift-exchanged

fotos:
grid 2 - sweet sweet Sharm & Lala
grid 4 - Esther sweetie & me; Est claims i always ruin fotos! lols why can't she just pose properly?! (the one on our left) she thinks i'm too feminie..since when? lols
grid 5+13+14 - presents from my many Santa Claus! so i've been a good girl this year haaa
grid 6+7+10+11+12 - our food ;d

Santa Claus-es been nice to me this year
whole set of nail polishes - top coat, base coat, nutritional coat, strengthener coat, & black nail polish
flaming hot red killer heels
chocolates that i've never had before & more chocolates
pretty glass painted box
ornaments
passionfruit lipbutter
a unique ring & accessories
hugs ~~& kisses~~ (ate the kisses)

wish Est will get better again
365 sweets for her
one everyday
hopefully her days will be sweet&chirpy for the next 365 days to come
bless her

***

28th Dec, Friday

ongoing fumigation which i didn't know of cos someone tore down the notice
thus, no lunch, nor going out
i'm not stepping out of the house today
not until daddy comes back & tells me the void deck is clear of roaches
rightt
so there
the day's pretty much spent slacking in bro's room
trying to blog..
listening to bro's singing
chowing down on chocolates KahHeng got for me & there's still another box from Lala & ZY

Zaid's taking 2 similar module similar as mine next semester!
yea yea! a friend to accompany me during tutorials & lectures!
& Elaine may be taking one module similar as mine!

most probably not going for Loriene's New Year Eve's party
ought to be a good girl & stay at home
maybe she'll let me stay in hostel then
there's this 1% possibilty of it happening

starting to think of new year resolutions
most of them doesnt come true, esp 'a tidy room throughout the year' & 'grow taller'
surprisingly, did lose weight this year haa
this year, playing a different tune
but 'lose weight' will definitely stay

meanwhile, daddy came up with terms&conditions for hostel staying

okayy i don't agree to some, like...
it's like, if i'm paying for my own hostel, then that 2 days will be wasted
& frankly, even though i'm saying that i'm just trying out for one semester, really keen to stay throughout & save the hassle of travelling to & fro
but i know they'll never agree to that
they were the ones who moved to this freak place
BukitBatok was so much more convenient

sidetrack:
Loriene's moving, & her mum's contemplating to sell the piano
& it's the exact same reason my very own mother gave when she sold my piano
why are all mothers like that?
i can feel the pain in her now
at the possibility 99.9% of her mother selling the piano
a stab in the heart
there's no heart without my piano
Loriene's piano is a beauty
a rare German beauty
a Johann Bieling
upright grand
so in love with it
it's such an antique, such a beauty..such a pity
Loriene took some gorgeous fotos of the piano itself
great fotog skills
now, i think i'll be going for the party
to see the piano one last time
not making it into a foto grid cos it won't do the piano justice to its beauty
my heart aches..for some reasons
why must she sell the piano...
it's really really beautiful
so much in love with it

the last foto is the inner mechanism of the piano
if you can find something else that's more beautiful than this antique beauty, which you probably won't, leave a note
but then again, beauty is so subjective

♥♥♥

17th - 22nd Dec '07

2007-12-22T23:11:00.000-08:00

been home for 3hours 49mins
smelly, hair like some cock, waiting for turn to use the bathroom
your unglam queen rotting away at 179xx/hr

my week

went out with the girls again on Monday
met up at Bugis, was late
felt kinda ~~bored~~ tired
maybe it's the place
that or i'm just tired
they wanted to check out Haji Lane after reading my entry on how pretty the shophouses there were, & the vibrancy of it all
but i guess they were disappointed
cos the place turned out to be dirty (to them) & empty
& in a small alley
the place usually starts around mid-afternoon, like Bugis Street
& mind you, we were there at 12nn, of cos the place's empty
i know they're trying to accommodate to me, b/c i love going outdoors & walking around places like these
which is also why we went Sentosa the other day for pinic

lunched at ZamZam Restaurant
wasn't hungry cos i ate, but just ordered something
& felt like throwing up after lunch
just felt uncomfortable throughout the day
the bizarre sensation that you might just throw up anytime
Esther drowned a project mate's mouse, & thus went to SimLim to get a new one
had to walk past this row of stalls selling dried seafood & mushrooms
the smell was like gahh

light drizzle as we made our way to RafflesCity
donuts + chippy + gloria jeans
what's missing?
hmm i wonder..
& they said that i was crazy to miss school
i do

***********

spent much of my time loitering at Anchorpoint on Wednesday, looking longingly at the Disney place
but it's packed with kids
it'll be so weird if i just walk in & order a mickey-shaped pizza
& its deco is really kawaii!
the chairs are in the shape of mickey mouse!
i'll love to steal their chairs home!
it'll brighten up my room

the place has changed alot
& was looking at hamsters cuddling together, running on the wheel, washing their little face..
really kawaii!!!
& the foodcourt's not bad either
perhaps more specifically, the chicken karaage bento set & the lagsane, uber delicious! but threw up after having the lagsane the other day
the music school is gone though

***********

Thursday, drew shoes, emo-ed
& then TeeYien asked to movie with him & KahHeng at Tiong
Warlords (NC16)
went b/c Jet Li's in it! & the first star to appear on screen
thought the show was kinda draggy
in the show, they were chanting "take their money, food & women" before going to war
that ticked me off
& my star (Jet Li) killed TY's star (Andy Lau)
crappy
before the movie started, there was this preview on the horror show
there's this scene, where the person was on the bed, & this mutated baby was crawling towards the bed, crying/wailing
that was really freaky
& all the dark cupboards etc
theatre was freezing, absent-minded freak forgot her cardigan

mahjong-ed with them after that at TY's house
& his room is way tidier than mine!
lots of comics & some weird books, no sign of textbooks nor school files etc
& his wardrobe's 2 to 3 times bigger than mine
lucky duck!
TY's room is so different from his
in his room..there was a tv, dvd player etc
& bro's room? he ~~stole~~ kindly rented his space for selective books (mine), namely intellectual/deep-looking kinds

***********

a big part of Friday was devoted to Ouran High School
went to the doctor in the evening with Milo & mum
unlike brother, doctor said that i have skin allergies, while his is hormonal issues
a drastic change to my life
stay away from sun, sweat, warm places, & no toys on the bed
gahh

***********

Saturday morning saw me dragging my lazy ass to the blood donation drive
hiccoughs along the different stations
first station, they questioned my age, & started counting the years with reference to i/c
& at the medical screening station, the person was reluctant to let me go
the minimum weight was 45kg, but was below that
thought i was 45kg++ & she wanted to double confirm
& the blood pressure requirement was 100, but was 83
downed orange juice to try to up the blood pressure
she let me passed
then, the person complained that my vein was small

was really nervous at first, & this two guys were trying to make me laugh & relax, talking, letting me chose the colour of the bandage (my badge of courage) etc
there's this lady (refer to grid 6 of blood donation collage), who was trying to reassure me
was strongly reminded of my lecturer, Dr Saroja
& was very touched by what she said to me after i was done, & a careless tear just fell
that this is the best christmas present anyone could give, because "this cannot be made, only given"
quoted from her

lunched with BaoHui at Tiong MOS Burger
there was this really adorable boy with his parents next to us
probably around 3-4years old
kawaii!
lovely catching up session
& we had fun abusing this certain person in a certain MLM company, who had turned rather nasty after joining the company
we're waiting for the day the company falls
it had ruined a friend of mine, & probably other relationships & friendships
headed down to town after that
FarEast + Wisma + Taka + Cine + Heeren
there were choirs & a cappella in most shopping malls
christmas carols
& guess what? ran into him at Heeren. our last place.
saw YouGuan, Joseph & Jason too
see grid 4? stupid girl's reflection in shiny red x'mas ornament

met up with family at Cityhall for dinner
they were shopping & bought donuts
but dinner was a disaster cos mum wanted Crystal Jade, & dad wanted the so-called new hawker centre at EastCoastPark
dad was persistent; been bugging us to go for quite some time
& the place was lousy - the food was awful, it rained & seats were under those giant umbrellas
Milo didnt eat, mum & me shared salt-laden fish'n'chips, dad had noodles
everyone's mad at dad, probably for overlapping reasons
to think i gave up dinner with QianLing+HuiMin+Erika for this
but then again, today is supposed to be some special chinese festive day, so dinner with family

-------------------------------

it seems that this week, alot of things reminded me of him, no matter however unwilling i am
shoes, old letters, a friend broke up with her boyfriend recently & telling me about it & her feelings, friend's friend pregnant, guy's room, Heeren, Cine, EastCoastPark...
all these built up, & saw him today
learnt that love is not about tears & love letters
nor is it fighting back tears & keeping old letters..
it's like breaking up all over again

& between Edwin & me,
E: haha i realise u oso no confidence in your looks one. haha. smile more ba =)
M: hahaa how u know..i seldom smile?
E: haha no girl. cos i can read!! haha. eh more confidence make the girl prettier. smiling more makes ppl & yourself feel more confident. & i'm sure u're the very cheerful kind. haha right?

he's still the same. as supportive & encouraging. can't wait to share what i've learnt about psychology with him

for the past week, interrogated by people like is TY my boyfriend.
no.
people read too much into things sometimes.
at times, selectively - what i want them to get, they don't.

found out shocking news about friends
it's not hearsay
it's all in their own words
& it's like i've never known them before
i wish i can be more straightforward to them

still trying to get over the drastic change, that i can't go out for walks in the sun, to the playground, along Orchard/Clarke/Botanics etc
to look for a good sunblock

choir was performing this song - Over the Rainbow
i've never heard the full song before, & today, it's live
in front of me
Christmas is coming
joy to the world

10th Dec '07 - 16th Dec '07

2007-12-16T17:25:00.000-08:00

Notice*
blood donation drive
21st - 23rd Dec'07 at Dhoby Ghaut station

how timely.
the perfect x'mas gift.. for someone out there
definitely going for it.
to overcome the fear of the big pointy needle poking into thy vein.
plus, i'm 19, mum can't stop me unlike back in jc

& to continue from where i left off..
this week had been..full of bad news
monday was alright though
the best among all other days of the week

the weather was bad on monday - raining heavily & freezing but that didnt stopped us from having fun
hell loads of fun

met up at PlazaSing & Mr Foo TeeYien was late again
Mr Late + Lame + Crappy + Funny
usual people-watching & taking random fotos of the x'mas tree + crowds while waiting
the torment of standing there & waiting
facing the giant menus of Kyoto Sabo Ajitei & Ajisen
it all looks uber delicious & good enough to eat!
"damn it i want jap food i want katsu bento or saba or omu-rice i want ice-cream * mochi" kept running through my mind while waiting
the menu seriously looks good enough to eat!
bought the movie tickets to 'The Golden Compass' first & taht gangsta still hadn't arrived
late late late late late
as agreed, lunch on whoever's late lol

he brought me to one of the jap restaurants & the food was uber delicious! ;d
as good as the menu promised!
& that gangsta force-fed me the octupus!
but it was actually quite alright
chewy but i don't think i'll order it by myself
cos it looks so gross - scale of 1 to 100, it's 101!
the head & its many legs!
gross

& as if it wasn't gross enough, there were sesame on it
but TeeYien was nice enough to bite off the head, leaving the 8 legs for me
& he started lecturing me, that i shouldn't be so picky

anyway, the main course was superb!
omu-rice + curry katsu!!
not only was the curry not spicy at all, but also apple-flavoured + honey!
i likeee!!!! like really really good!
& the omu-rice's not like those food court kind, where the rice inside the omelette is fried rice with peas+carrots+corn bits, but steamy tomato rice with mushrooms!
the way i like it! just like the jap restaurant back at LiangCourt!
& for a more balance meal, a piece of broccoli & carrot by the side
i ate the carrots, he ate the broccoli
& we were too full for their desserts
booo but their desserts were rather expensive & the movie was about to start

the movie was pretty alright, just that i really detest endings that leaves me hanging
i've forgotten how bright everything becomes after walking out of the dark theatre

head off to Bugis after movie to collect him Jap studies results & he passed! 158 over 200 i think..or was it 250? but anyhow, he's moving on to intermediate level now
i can ask him anything if i have problems with my Jap Studies next semester
& ohh! did i mentioned that Elaine may be taking Jap Studies with me next semester??
yeaa! quality time! hahaa & another lunch mate!

played pool at PoolFusion after that & he had to teach me all over again but there's definitely an improvement compared to the previous time
lasted for an hour, & that was too short
well, it was fun while it lasted

can't believe he actually sort of planned the day out in a vague manner
meaning, everything seems impromtu but there's a flow, with accordance to our location
introduced me to place, Miss Clarity Cafe for dinner - serves Western food
nice ambience & adorable deco
so want to bring home their adorable refrigerator, which is filled with Ben&Jerry's ice-cream! tubs & tubs of them!
reasonable price & no GST
& i love the location it's at!
it's one of those colourful shophouses along a one-way street
hearts colour shophouses! they're so vibrant & unique

it was kinda amusing when we were ordering our food
we wanted milkshakes, but the waitress said that their blender was down
he wanted black pepper sirlion steak, but they were out of sirlion
she looked so apologetic & hid half her face with the menu, apparently trying to hide her amusement that everything he ordered was not available
had baked bacon&sausage pasta + hot chocolate
TY had black pepper chicken something + fancy-named-coffee (can't remember if it's a a latte or expresso or whatever fancy name it has)
& someone was amused that i ordered "milo" for 3$
hot chocolate taste totally different from milo kayy
if you grew up with a milomaniac at home, you'll learn the difference too

was super bloated after dinner & really felt like throwing up, but that didnt happened until i alighted at my own bus-stop
it's like we had jap food at around 1230, & western food at 1900
it had been so long since i ate this much & really felt uncomfortable after that
before heading home, we head back to Tiong to get my contact lens solution & his bus-stamp
the day was fun nonetheless
it's so much more better
maybe it's because we converse in Chinese, so feel closer
& we have more things to talk about?

TY's secret no. xx - he doesn't like cheese
WJ's secret no. xxx - her "see first" = not a chance = ferociously unlikely
TY's secret no. xx - he can't differentiate hot chocolate from milo
WJ's secret no. xxx - she's always thinking weird weird

& that's according to me & him
lmao
how much truth these statements hold, depends on others opinion
personally, i think the "see first" is not really true..maybe sometimes lols
& the list is getting longer

***********************

okayy. & now, the rest are all a blur.
attempting to recall as much details as possible

Tuesday
rightt. checked out Haji lane, which is a row of shophouses for those who had not been there
it's a nice place for fotog, alas the weather wasn't
which pretty much explains why i've postponed outdoor trips to next year Jan
anyway, the shophouses are really pretty, with interesting deco & themes
another storm was brewing up though, & hurried back to Bugis Junction before it falls on me
the FoodJunction there is really..
the prices are really exorbitant! above 5$+ & the cheapest was chicken rice that cost 4$
this is so unfair
most patrons are probably students & workers working there, & some, say pushcart sales-girls are working at minimum wage of 5$/hour, & one meal is going to cost them this much? & students on holiday most probably can't afford much, driving them to eat at FastFood stations, which are equally over-priced for that bits of potato strips & dry bread & unhealthy
i'm not liking this.
& of cos i remember working at Bugis last year, making sure my lunch & dinner won't exceed my 5$/hour
prices are rising - for driving, petrol, food etc
everything but your wages

ohyes
another thing is this..
dreamt that i was studying for SGP society module on monday night
the next morning (Tues), woke up at 0800 & went "omg i'm late!!"
supposedly, exam starts at 0900
crammed SGP society module notes into bag, grab pencil case, washed up & dashed out of the house & after the bus, slipped & fell
reprimanding self for oversleeping & not packing bag the night before
alighted the bus..& then it hit me that it was school holidays
shit. is this some sort of sign? we'll see

found out that granny has some kidney problems
she went for her usualy medical check-up on Monday &..
i'm feeling really guilty for offering her a donut on Sunday (a day before her check-up)
she's usually really & has always been careful about what she eats
just before the check-up, i offered her a donut
sugar-coated poison to her kidneys
that was plain stupid & reckless
& KahHeng's grandma passed away..
deepest condolences

***********************

Wednesday
met up with Lydia at Orchard
lunched at Taka - omelette jap noodles! ;d
it has been sooo long since i had it!
but it was abit cold, cos we were stopped by this girl who insisted we each draw out a coupon from her lucky-draw-box

someone so very lucky! 20$ taka vouchers! i'm so jealous! hahaa lucky duck!
her mum's so nice to share the awesome voucher, unlike my own mum who's hogging 90$ Robinson vouchers to herself
but then again, there's nothing i'll like at Robinson
Taka has unique jap stuffs!
lots of pretty Christmas teddies & they're all so adorable but so expensive
hearts the tatty-teddy collection!
& there's this Christmas card which i was sorely tempted to get to prank those 2 gangstas!
it says: "to a special uncle"
lmao
inside joke!
TY & KH been calling me auntie for playing mahjong, but they play mahjong too, so been calling them uncle lols
but i have this feeling i'll get whack damn hard if i ever give them that card, so i didnt
lmao
still so hilarious!

head off to FarEastPlaza but nothing much
got another tube top
met Coreen & MengTing
but overall, the place getting kinda disappointing
either that, or i'm getting old
next stop, Heeren
seriously bad experience with that place..
but thank goodness we didnt stay long
Esther was in town, so we met up at NgeeAnnCity
catching up session for the two, while i simply stoned

left for the wake after that
hmm
what i detest is when they asked me, why i wanted to attend the wake when i'm not directly related to KahHeng's grandma.
KahHeng's a friend. since primary 6
& he was there for me when my uncle passed away, & when was in depression
he walked with me, encouraging me & all in a way
there when i needed someone to talk to
so, since i know about it, i don't see why i shouldn't attend the wake
plus, when there's some news about someone dead from a freak death, lots of people attended the wake too
like the little girl who went missing..remember?

YP thinks that it's a breakthrough for me, cos i used to be really scared of such events
& actually, i still am
always taking the longer route around the block to get to the bus-stop, cos it freaks me out to be in close distance with a body that will never move again
i'll never forget the day i returned home from camp, & i probably never blogged about this properly, cos i'll most probably end up crying
but now i'm not
that day, i returned home from camp. the best camp ever.
all excited & happy about jj & wham. uncle passed away.
he's nice. always talking to me during Chinese New Year, cos the other guys/cousins were playing. & i was the only girl of that age.
the rest were still toddlers with adults smiling over them.
& there's this cat that he used to feed everyday
so..CNY will never be the same again, & the cat..will probably wonder where he went...
first trauma was the first wake i ever attended.
my grandpa's.
i wished i was shorter then, so that i can't even look into the coffin
onto the unseeing look on his face
next time, when i die, i don't want this kind of thing
i don't want to freak the little children like me
just burn me already

**********************

& Thursday+Friday+Saturday
mum's order: bring brother out shopping
& so i did, & so i regretted
shopping with brother can get really weird & irritating/annoying.
it's amazing how we kinda look alike both with & without our glasses
gahh
i'm not liking this
& he only bought one shirt the entire shopping trip
such a waste of time & effort
do better if i just went cycling
ran into Coreen again. & Lingli.

the cat next door pee-ed on my shoes this time
gahh
ass.
the cat had been sitting on the shoerack, my shoes every now & then
going to get a higher shoe rack
& a cat alarm..if they have that

saw Daniel with his gf at a bus-stop.
personally, i think the girl looks alright, but not the kind TY nor KH will like.
hmm okayy maybe TY won't. not sure about KH.
they were damn upset when they heard Daniel has a gf & they don't.
& they want to buy a gf. crappy as usual lol

lunched at QL's the other day, & tuition her on economics
felt great! yaa cos i'm so nerdy & such a bookworm.
shoe orders to complete, christmas gifts to prepare.
bought so mnay things, so very very broke!
not exactly looking forward to Christmas.
no countdown nor party nor wild night-out.
boring.
been walking around, snapping fotos of Christmas deco & lightings, to take in the festive mood.
but still nothing. so i've stopped.
threw up a third time this week after dinner - first with TY, then with mum & dad, & then with YP.
catching up session with YP was fun & we actually discussed issues while facing the cruises & sentosa island.
we've grown up? lols
so many things to update each other on.
wanted to go for SuperDog, but rather expensive, so it's back to good old ToastBox.
pineapple jam & strawberry jam!
& the anal part was when this guy was giving out discount coupons for SuperDog as we were leaving Vivo. gahh.
dinner at ChompChomp (Serangoon) & smelled of bbq chicken & seafood after that
gahh
raining.
had pasta, threw up, so poor YP had to finish the satays by himself.
& his herbal jelly drink was in this uber gi-normous jug!
if only my chocolate milk was in that big big jug!
it's about as tall as a pair of chopsticks, & as wide as slightly more than half of the chopsticks.
& he had to finish the chocolate beancurb by himself.
was force fed satay. gahh.
but okayy he was super nice to wait for me to try on clothes at F21 & Topshop.
& even scouting out Build-a-bear workshop at HarbourFront centre, which was packed with little children screaming, "i want that onee!! the one on top!" & jumping up & down, as if they could reach that highest outfit at the top rack.
even i couldnt reach it.
YP was so mean. laughing his ass off in the shop lols
& we were abroad this bus & thought it was really nice.
it's like one whole row of seats.
like those double-decker bus where you have those seats facing the windows on the lower deck.
& there were high stools & fancy chairs, which we thought were redundant. apparently, they serve drinks or whatevers. it's still kinda reduntant. cool but yaa. pointless.
well, the really good part is that it's easier to get up.
unlike the 2-seaters, whereby the person sitting on the outside has to get up or the person inside having difficulty getting out.
this other bus, kinda like the Sentosa island bus is probably not as feasible.
few seats. but high.
& there's a seat belt for the middle seat just in case of emergency brake

**********************

full name...
leewanjing

nickname...
melodie

age...
19

birthdate...
18th Oct

horoscope...
libra

zodiac...
dragon

i like...
doodling, Patrick starfish, hot chocolate, cookies&cream, apple crumble, pizza, cakes, chinese rice-cake (nian gao), cartoons, black&white keys, riot of colours, pool, bowling, cycling, clouds, sand, sun, sky, stars, moon, beach, going to supermarkets, cookies & cookie jar, people-watching, unique necklaces & rings, collecting meaningful/pretty zo-cards, japanese cuisine, dogs, dresses, fotog, train stations, being neat & tidy for a few hours & messing everything up again, black nail polish, rocking horses, playgrounds, beancurd, baked apples, grapes, ice-cream, mango pudding, chocolate milk, my handphone & mp3, potted flowers, flower petals, writing notes, salted&sweet popcorn, speeding (gold kart racing), donuts, muffins, cupcakes, pasta, MOS burger, clubbing, dressing up, sandcastles, roller blading, learning new things, jigsaw puzzles, chalet, mahjong, poker, my room, passionfruit fragrance, essential oil fragrances & yoga, new ideas, PeelFresh, balloons & light-sticks, coffee-bear & tatty-teddy, blogging, daydreaming, shirts&fbt shorts, taking long bus rides with my mp3 & concession, to travel, Elmo, Cookie Monster, books about cookies/cakes/pastries/ice-creams/desserts, doll houses, trishaws, shophouses, painting, air-pistol, archery, drum-maniac, snow-globes, music box, unique charms, cello, harp, gift-wrappers, chewing off the head gummy bears, caramel, JayChow & his music, korean & hongkong dramas, CSI, TV, renting DVDs & VCDs, Mutts+Garfield+Calvin&Hobbes comics, Snoopy & Woodstock, rainbow, sitting at the jetty, waffles, fruit lip-balm, music, pretzels, cornflakes/honey star with milk, stamps, unique stickers, brushing teeth, some of my cousins, my family, my friends, my teachers, milkshakes, camping, chalets, LJS & BK breakfast, pineapple tarts, grandma+mum+dad+bro's cooking, pointy killer heels, green, red, black, white, ironing, rushed deadlines, psychology, reading both fiction & non-fiction, seashells, hot-air balloons, Christmas decorations etc

i dislike...
underwater world, medicine, dental appointments, hawker centres, swimming, horror movies, insects/bugs, spicy food, curry, mint, my neighbour's cat, having blisters when wearing heels, smelling horrible after BBQ/steamboat/PC, overcrowded places (like current school which is seriously over-populated), turning on the TV & realised that there's nothing to watch, rainwater being flicked onto legs, chatting on the phone when supposed to be doing something else, touchy guys, baby's crying, amphibians, celery, durian, crowded buses & trains, inconsiderate/irresponsible people, beer, envying models & actresses, people telling me what not to do & worst if they themselves are doing it, my cooking, cup noodles, chips, coffee, newspapers, procrastinating, being forced to do things against my will, short hair, going to the hair dresser but didnt get what i want, people who are smelly/dirty sitting next to me in the bus, people who don't give up their seats to old people & pregant women, impolite services, unreasonable arguments/remarks, stalkers, bouquet of flowers, dandruffs, socks that are longer than ankles, fastfood, dark places, people not using their brains when they talk/say hurtful comments/remarks, cigarrettes, ego-centrism, opening an empty fridge, blackforest cake, cherry, when mum&dad fights, going out on rainy days, vacuum cleaner, rubbish truck, fumigation day, scammers, hackers, some of my uncles & aunties, sudden loud noises, windchimes, fish-market smell, lingerie shopping, people touching/using my things without my permission, internet d/c, carrying bulky stuff, people staring at me, wearing glasses, bad hair days, pink/red nail polish, blue, lightning & thunder, missing fav TV shows, period, bad breath, pimples, blackheads, double chins, fats, broken diry fingernails, armpit hairs, crude jokes, inferiority complex, changing bedspreads, sesame, throwing up, new-born infants & ultra-sound scan fotos thingy, taking fotos of my fugly face, french fries, mayo, mustard, chilli, pepper, my past, not being able to speak fluent Cantonese etc

i want to...
jump before i am afraid, be clinical/counselling psychologists, travel across the continents, eat hawaiian katsu now, have my own house, slim down & get rid of hideous fats, get rid of dark eye rings & eye bags, buy back my piano, ride in a hotair balloon, go to HongKong Disneyland, look for the ultimate one

what i like & dislike about guys/girls...

guys
like: hmm..comical/cartoon, makes me laugh, always there to make me laugh/feel better, guiding me to think more logically, exchange of both intellectual & crappy ideas eg: politics+psych+policies+religion+norms+values+thought-provoking issues etc, sporty, learn more outdoor & fun activities, LOL-ing sessions, relatively collected & calm etc

dislike: always teasing/bully me, force-feed me, naggy, childish at times but they'll rebut & say that they're 'young at heart', tend to carry their jokes too far at times, smelly, gross/disgusting etc

girls
like: generally gentler, more emphasis on crappy everyday happenings, more converging interests etc

dislike: whiny at times, temperament, emotional, gossip mongels, exaggerative etc

my dream is...
to enter YST, not FASS
but things will work out somehow

my ideal partner...
no comments.
i can only say, not xxxx xxx, & xxxxxxx & xxxxxxx, & xxxx, & ..........
definitely not & never ever ever

i wish...
that i never said no
that i'm in YST
that i have hawaiian katsu now, preferably bento set style
my piano was never sold
to be able to talk more freely (liberty of speech) & the courage to
i have more courage
things will turned out alright in the end
& that this thing will end soon...

& a cookie as a reward for completing this hahaa

ohyea. that's all.
off now
hasta la vista

♥♥♥

3rd Dec - 9th Dec : first week of vacation

2007-12-09T20:29:00.000-08:00

3rd Dec - 9th Dec

for the past week...

with my girls
catching up session + shopping sprees + LOL-ing session
so many things to update each other on!
but didn't passed my curfew
telly made sure i reached home before curfew
& yes i'm talking about the Korean drama that's on Channel U!
& there's another Korean drama coming up soon again! wish it'll all end before school starts
i'm so hooked on drama series & CSI & cartoons!

Korean songs are forever sad
maybe except for a couple, like the one in My VineYard Man, which had this catchy chirpy tune that keeps my mood up
& you have no bloody idea what they're singing about..
but kudos to the subtitles (available in certain drama series), you get the fuzzy idea what they're singing
but heck, lets cry buckets for the show's sake kinda thing

alrightt, first highlight of the week - pinic at Sentosa

belated birthday celebration for Esther

Friday - 7th December 2007

time.. 0800
location.. kitchen

First thing first, to defrost the donuts & heat them up
meeting time 1030, HarbourFront station
what to wear what to wear..??
tubetop + shorts? bikini? tank top + shorts? sundress + shorts? t-shirt + shorts?
hmm..maybe something else
was running late b/c had to buy back lunch for a certain Mr Lazy
& a certain cat was sitting on my slippers

heyy..come to think of it, that cat may had tampered with my slippers, which gave way halfway through the outing
roars
that cost me 15.90$

time.. 1050
location.. VivoCity

at VivoMart
first mission of the day, to get chips + choco + drinks
lots & lots of them!

next stop, BurgerKing for the girls
then, the monorail to Sentosa!
which took a considerably shorter time to get to the beach, instead of walking in or taking the bus, previously with GradNight Comm
it's just 4 stops to Beach Station!
& the loveliest mode of transport, [drum rolls] tram!
hearts trams!
isn't it fun? not too fast, the pace is just nice for any foto taking along the trail & non air-conditioned
just find it real cute

time.. 1140+
location.. Palawan Beach

abroad sun sand & sea!
second mission of the day, to find the best best best spot for our pinic
with Esther leading the way, we set off across the bridge..
& laying out the food :d
the spot was perfect!
great view, sea breeze, light, & not much ants/bugs

the rest of the day was pretty much spent..
- taking fotos
- Sharm & Lala reading/flipping magazines filled with hot guys
- catching up session
- jamming our earphones whenever a certain someone starts singing
- eating laughing posing slacking
- not so much of tanning since our spot was pretty shady
- video taking
- recording a certain someone's singing
as seen from the above collage

see? grid 6 with a magazine out? LOL
& grid 9, yupp trying to strangle Est after she refused to kiss me in grid 5 lmao
& i'm making things up as i go along
& ohh! so loving! grid 4, Sharm & Lala feeding each other donuts! sweett!

we got bored & started taking random fotos & posing..
first with the trees
& then with the big sculpture of the word 'Sentosa'
the picture pile collage seems more formal
but subsequently, we got a little playful & started climbing on top of the words
did i mentioned the girls spotted a hot guy who was emo-ing?? LOL
it was hilarious when they were plotting to take a foto with him in the background LOL
& more fotos of them

time.. 1435
location.. leaving Palawan

the azure sky started to darken to a deep shade of forbidding atmosphere
the sudden lightning that flashed across the sky signalled our early departure from our beautiful spot
but, that still didn't stop us from posing at the lovely bridge hahaa

time.. 1500 - 1800
location.. VivoCity (again) + Ala-meen

walked around VivoCity since it was still early before we were due for dinner with LeAnn!
as mentioned before, slippers gave way, but thank goodness Lala brought extra slippers! my life-saver!
met up with LeAnn at Ala-meen for dinner
a hearty affair - catching up session + LOL-ing session :)

end

♥♥♥

more happy foto collages
so missed StarBucks NYcheesecake! hearts! :d
TeeYien & KahHeng kept telling me that BakerZin is better
boo
i've been stuck in school library for the past 13+ weeks
living on school food & tibits from vending machines & bread/sandwiches from home
even MosBurger is heaven!
ohh wait, it is heaven to me hahaa
&yesh, with reference to the first foto collage below, grid 6, never try the butter toast
the butter smell is seriously overwhelming that i felt like throwing up after opening it
[hurk*]

did i mentioned there's a giant music box at Bugis?
it's so prettyy!
but i love the giant wedding cake better!
it looks uber delicious! ;q
okayy should stop eating so much else this pig here will explode!!

lmao

on the other hand, getting tired of this vacation

but i can't wait for poly friends' vacation to finally start!
miss them all so badly!!

but after that, i wish time will just fastforward to semester 2
can't wait for school to start
then it'll be all the hectic timetables, deadlines & schedules, tests & exams & term-papers & projects

the more time i spent with you, the more distant i feel
it's like as if we never knew each other
we're so different
i'm starting to feel suffocated

important dates coming up: 18th, 26th
hopefully, things will get better

♥♥♥

condolences

2007-12-08T13:29:00.000-08:00

i'd just learned about this

the dear old granny back in jj passed away,
before i could return to jj on CNY next year to visit her again
with 2 mandarin oranges & a smile

this happened during exam period

the guys were having their usual training
but instead of running on the track, they ran around the school
the track was under renovation
rainy weather, floor was slippery
one guy knocked into granny

& she was in a coma for 13 days
& she died

before i could say anything else

& her funeral was over too

i've always liked her
a sweet old lady
my condolences

♥♥♥

post-semester/exam

2007-12-04T22:56:00.000-08:00

post-exams/semester

personal reflections

this has been my first taste of university life, or rather, NUS life
probably the best advice given, from HuiLing, is to mug hard right from the start & get into the momentum asap
second, from Lester, first semester, take it easy with regards to exam results

with regards to the foto collage:
604 - examination number
took this particular one b/c there were writings (encouragement) on it
& on that particular day, 3 papers on one day & this encouragement just left me all fuzzy inside
there's some warmth in this ~~bug~~ big school
somewhere
red voodoo toy - me
the one with the pin stuck there
nice

work extra hard
extra extra hard

HuiQin asked: are you happy here?
i say,
i love the Jap food stall & the first store (YongTauFoo?) & western stall is pretty okay too
i just wish MacDonald's at FASS instead of BurgerKing
it'll be hot-fudge sundae or McFlurry or strawberry sundae or milkshakes everyday then!
& it'll be easier to bring food to library
not class nor lecture
not exactly polite to eat during lectures nor tutorials

i say,
there are always nice & not-so-nice people
& i've met both
on the whole, people i've come into contact with are relatively okayy

i say,
the lifestyle is really stressful & i'll most probably need some time to adjust to it
not very attached to the school

i say,
bye byee Clementi station & interchange
till next semester then

-----------------------

first day of vacation

my room

tidied everything
& by everything, i mean even my wardrobe
usually, it'll just be study table hahaa

unwanted clothes + bags + jeans + shorts + dress, bye byee out you go
else mum will start yelling at me to get clothes hanger too if i keep buying new clothes

a big part of the day was spent filing notes, throwing away scrap paper, walking down to the recycle bins at the opposite block & up again
pens that no longer work, markers which had dried up
& hello
what's this?

[flip flip flip]
ohh so here it is
the comic strip we drew together back then
looking back...we are so super lame LOL
i can't believe we took so long to draw so little comics
& ohh.
the ex-stuffs
i threw it away without thinking today
but seems to regret it & went back down to the rubbish dump
it's not there anymore
& no, i didnt cried
just went, "oh...."
& so many more things i came across
old letters we used to exchange in primary school + cards + our nickname all signed on one small card + the jigsaw piece

put up x'mas deco, which is actually just the christmas stocking i've been using for years since..since really long ago
the new ones aint as nice as the one i have :)
mine has usagi-chan on it!
& i've ~~stuffed~~ put Stitch into the stocking!
the whole thing looks super kawaii now! hahaa

okayy that sounded childish
& anyway, i've added two x'mas hats - on Milo's computer + on my usagi-chan
3 more deco trinklets to go..
the house still looks plain
family not exactly celebrating christmas-christmas
but i just love the festive - esp the giving to the kids
i'm too old to be sitting on Santa's lap & asking for Christmas presents
still wondering what to get for JunFeng - my little sweetheart
what kinda toys should i get for a 2 years old boy?
hmm
off to Toy'R'Us
i'm so outdated on what's new with the kids
toys to them, is like fashion too
comes & goes so quickly
feel like getting Lego blocks..but too young right?
hmmm

& Christmas is used to be a good excuse to stay out late
not forgetting all the goot food!
i know what to get for Milo this year..DONUTS! hahaa
& hopefully he won't get me food again this year
almost exploded last year
someone said this: it's fun to watch a pig explode
last year
this year, i'm just not going to join in the game
this year Christmas, i want to do something different

whenever i walk into my room now,
it seems so strange
strangely tidy
okay i admit my room wasnt exactly neat in the past, especially on the outside
but messiness got it's own coziness!
hahaa
just not made for the conventional role of housewife
but at 12pm today, the room was really messy from all the unpacking
maybe it's just my messy nature hahaa
well, everything's really neat & tidy (by my standard) now
just have to wait for inspection from the Empress Dowager later
seriously, that feels like someone else's room
on the bright side, i've got new zo-cards pasted all over the shelf
at this point, will ask why i'm always re-decorating the room when tidying up the place during vacation
cracking my head with regards on what to paint

the season of joy

♥♥♥

1st Dec 2007

2007-12-01T12:13:00.000-08:00

[ding~]

the bell just went off
it's the 1st day of the month again
but this time round, it's not any other month
it's the month of December
the last month of the year
& the month of Christmas & love
marking the end of 2007..
the next time we hear the bell again,
it'll be the start of a new year, 2008
new adventures & new challenges
an early toast to the end of 2007
& the time to think of new year resolutions comes again

this has been a quick year
as if rushing me into my 20s

it's nice to know that some things never change
like that lovely bell that sounds across the island,
i know that we all heard it, wherever we are, what we're doing
our something in common, similar senses/sensations triggered

-------------------

Milo's going for his class chalet! 3days 2nights!
lucky duck!
didnt managed to attend WaiYing's birthday chalet..
but on the bright side, i can finally hog the tvi! hahaa! no more fighting over the remote
& don't have to buy breakfast/lunch/dinner back for him, wake him up etc...
but still going to miss him..
not the sense of not having someone to boss around, cos it's usually the other way..
but more of nobody in the house
hmm
but i guess since i'll be out everyday, it doesnt really matter...
& i have to bring my little brother shopping
gahh
this is going to be super weird, seeing that we refused to be seen in the presence of the other in public

i'll post about that in due time

MadJack Island Cremery
hearts plenty plenty plenty
i miss Ms Lum
she used to say that - "miss you plenty plenty!"
she's so kawaiiiiiii!
shall we salsa back to JJ?
boo
i miss JJ food & everything else
just miss JJ like crazy
thinking about JJ everyday this year & even more so while in NUS
it's like someone set the VCR in repeat mode & kept re-playing the lovely scenes back in JJ
Milo signed up for JJ first 3months/weeks
maybe i can tag along! :) yeaaa! back to JJ
hearts plenty plenty plenty!

take me down the the road by the hand, across the field of red leaves with the wind playing in our hair
whatever blows up your skirt sweetie

♥♥♥

with est - central library sgp-msia section

2007-11-30T20:20:00.000-08:00

my new addiction, priced at 1.60$ from the Co-op, weighing 43g which completely doesnt justify the amount of weight i've gained after mere consumption of this overpriced addiction.

it's a vicious cycle!

so here's my warning: stay away! far far away from this overpriced + misleading food-labelling chunk of pure enjoyment with cookies in every bite!

i've end my case

-------------------

the day itself

hearts my bento set! <3>but they added funny looking black sesame-like thingy on my food. oh look. the picky picky side is captured in the foto! bfft.

but i still love my bento set! 3 sweet desserts! i wish they were chilled though.

so obviously went back to school today & ~~mug~~ study for the next exam. with Estee. but we were chatting away & giggling/sniggering every so often that this guy 'shh!'-ed us. :x i guess we were just too excited to finally see each other again & can't help talking! we're sorry!

ohyesh! a pretty nicee drawing to share :) my girl & my girl's bf
i'm not allowed to say names & the drawing is not done by me, but by my girl, so here:

& yesyesyes! next friday, post esther's birthday celebration - movie + catching up session + lunch + whatever the birthday girl wants to do (probably shopping again), but we don't have to do it if it's something silly like the other time when someone pasted her face against a certain glass wall & posing...yupp we don't have to follow, just whatever she wants to do lmao

so many things to do after exams

part of me wants to stay in front of my lappie & rot
but i heard a voice just when i had this evil thought
it says, "OII!! exams not over yet hor! go & study! 2 chapters down big deal! 10 more chapters to go still sit here!"
how rude.
some kinda conscience i've got.
anyone care to swap?

off & awayy

♥♥♥

year 1 sem 1 exams

2007-11-29T22:40:00.000-08:00

walking around with a pin stuck in my head
oh the sign is missing
must have been so stupid as to lost it
to lost the sign saying 'stupid stupid me'
how stupid

-BIG SIGH-

Right.
today's the killer day.
3 papers in a day - morning, afternoon, evening
[yawn]
Been sleeping late for the past couple of weeks, but felt really saturated this week. It's so frustrating that nothing's going in. stayed up all night, nothing.

anyway..just feel so stupid
1. Econs
- 40 MCQs + 4 DRQs (2hrs)
didnt managed to finish the drqs..4 marks & i know how to do those qns
but anyone who was still writing, student card will be confiscated, & person will face expulsion
i stopped

2. Singapore Society
- 3 essays (2hrs)
goner. it's a sociology module, but my answers were like..writing GP essays.. no sociology theories or whatsoever.. flunk

3. Psychology
- 100MCQs + 5 1-page essays (2hrs)
did i mentioned that i got B- for my term paper? sounds like a decent grade, till i saw the next line: average/mode A-
majority got A- for their term paper & thus that's the average, & once again, i'm below average
while waiting for the doors to open, people around me were cramming psychology facts & rehearsing to themselves
me? stood there, stoned, wondering what the hell i was doing there with all the A- people. so shouldnt be taking psychology when i can't even keep up with the rest.. ought to seriously reconsider my options..

4. SouthAsian
- 3 essays (2hrs)
personally, i felt that this paper was pretty alright, except that it seems i'm underwriting for all my papers. people were asking for extra papers & were still scribbling frantically towards the end
myself... have extra paper leftover & 15mins to stone

so far...that's what i'd been through
& more to come
or rather, 1 more to go

i've learned something from this.
Lester came up to me after Singapore Society exam today, & talked a little.
he said something like this: first year right? take it easy..first sem only..no worries..hopefuly the bell curve will save us...take care & good luck..

thought i'll feel really relieve & happy at the end of the day.
but all depressed over my papers
screwed up big time
didn't even give 100% effort more like 50% & less
this won't do
i made a mistake
need to formulate a new strategy for the next sem
anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new
hopefully the bell curve (whatever that is) will save us

ohyesh. something random. about my dear boy. had this dream last night while dozing off over psychology textbk.
was at this chapter about children development, & was scribbling down my toddlers & little thinkers' names next to each stage that children go through so that i'll rmb better...& then dozed off
& yes, i dreamt about my little JunFong!
miss him so much! cried when i woke up. i wished i never woke up. but then again, wouldnt had study psychology
but it was such a nice dream..didnt even get to say bye-bye to him properly when we moved.
this is getting so emotional
i miss his teddy-bear-at-the-rear denim shorts with his elmo t-shirt! T.T
miss playing with him, trying to take pictures of him, playing hide-&-seek etc..

final note:

can't wait for holidays to arrive!
to meet up with my girls!!! all of them! pri sch + sec sch + guides + jj + tuition class
holiday dearr?? are we still on? Bintan!! :)
vacation!!!
i'm all excited already
though there's still the part that i dread..anyhow, i'm not going to go out with him anymore. not alone. really offended over the last time.
not going to happen again.

bro's going chalet for 3D2N! right on the day my exams end! yeaa! the house to myself for 3 days! sleeeep & eattt!! tvvv!! cartoons are all mine! CSI! DVD maranthon! yeaaaa!
can't wait can't wait!
i want my girls & my vacation now! :)))))))
good food + good company! someone drag me go cycling & sweat off those sick fats!
beach + sun + good music all day long! + ur digicam, we're going to capture the beautiful moments! hearts!

how i wish time can fast fwd this instant and we can skip the nasty exams
"it'll be all over soon then we can all have time to breathe," i said.
"shall we go Bintan?" you asked.
"yes pls! we so deserve it!" i said.
okayy maybe not me. gah.
stop feeling upset & move on already.
work harder next sem & push everything up!

♥♥♥

mugging regimes for first sem finals

2007-11-12T01:52:00.000-08:00

this is rabbit. my all time companion who been with me since pri 4.
gahh.
that's like 9years ago. a birthday gift from BingQuan.
& yes, its name is rabbit. & i'm not changing its name.
it'll only confuse him/her.
gender, undecided.
but it has a jap name - usagi-chan.
KahHeng named it. sort of.
he gave me the idea/suggestion.
& yes, i know it's lame, cos 'usagi-chan' means the exact same thing as 'rabbit'.

anyway, point being, it's having exams soon.
the wait seems short.
the end seems far.

QianLing pre-bday dinner

2007-11-11T00:30:00.000-08:00

QianLing's 19th Birthday! (in advance)
[starts singing birthday song]

been friends for..omg
this is the 7th year!
gahh.
another that makes me feel old
BaoHui (9 years)
PeiLi + Beverly (11 years)
TeeYien (15 years)
KahHeng (8 years)
Erika + Audrey + Jamie + QianLing (7 years)
WeeEng + Elaine + WaiYing + HuiMin(5 years)
gahh.
the few people still in contact with.

& more years to come! :3

had dinner together & Island Cremery!! ReversO god-damn uber delicious! it's like chocolate cookies-&-cream! i likeeeee!!! hearts hearts hearts!
heart-to-heart talk..sort of.
but just hadnt talked this much since..quite some time.

it hit me that i had never told them about him before.
& i'm getting all nostalgic again.
seldom talked about him cos the girls dont like it.
to them, he's a complete ass.
but to me..i've never liked someone this much, this intense before
reminiscing..about him..about days back in jj

but that's over now.

i want to go Island Cremery again! ;q
[P.S: totally forgot about taking fotos about of the sundaes! dived into it the moment it was served! sorry!! u girls know what i'm like lmao!]

Happy Birthday again!

& to HongYue as well! i miss u lots!!

♥♥♥

with the girls - swensens Vivo

2007-11-10T00:48:00.000-08:00

first thing first, ~~dinner~~ desserts with my girls! lovelyy!! ;q this ought to keep me going on till the end of exams. it has been awhile since i had nice food like these! short break, & back to mugging regimes.

ohya. i heard about the mini room we can book to watch movies. i wanna go there some night when the exams are over kay? :) :) :)
play pool, go bowling, EastCoast, WestCoast, Sentosa! time to head back out there & soak up the sun! mum says i'm slightly fairer now, so time to get tanned!
late nights, stay overs... whatever man!
i've missed out a hell lot of fun already :(
and i deserve it!!! :)))
so all that real soon kay???

lmao so many things to do during the holidays!
top priority=complete shoe orders & get them out of the way first
& then to all the fun-stops & nicee food!!
& maybe go on a holiday to M'sia or Bintan.
or somewhere else.
class chalet? is it too late for bookings now?
night cycling & bbq seafood! & watch sunrise together!

12th Sep '07 -> 6 months
omg.
Marchh! miss having mafia to boss around :(
pool + bowling + bball kay?

anyway, ~~dinner~~ dessert-ing was great & really, the nice food & company was a break from mugging-routine.

& now i'm just sleepy.
--------------------------

today, 9th Nov, is the last SGP society lecture & initially, thought i had stepped into the wrong lecture hall. it was unusually crowded.
i've forgotten the class size for this module ever since webcast lecture was on.
uncomfortable.
smaller class size's definitely better & more conducive.
there were less murmurings before.
this school is seriously over-populated.
there goes a perfectly diabolical plan.
damn it.

psychology term paper wasnt returned today. instead, it's being held as hostage till next lecture, cos it's the last, & the condition was of cos to attend lecture, before we'll be able to get our papers.
gahh.

on the bright side, seems to know more people in psychology class.
Niva studied with me the other day, & SzeMin, Judith & me had decided unanimously not to attend EL tutorial!

---------------------------

& yes, chocolate from CandyEmpire!
plus big big chocolate bar from Sharm! :) thank you thank you!!
shall divide them nicely over the spread of this exam period!

♥♥♥

to waiying

2007-11-06T23:53:00.000-08:00

the sun shines.
& hope builds up again.
we hope it stays.

if u're ever here, & reading this, just want you to know that i'm really worried about you.
i know you were still online, but just avoiding.
if you ever need me, give me a call.
i'll be up waiting.
i'll be there when your heart decides to open up.

stay strong my dear.
stay strong.
we've got nerve.

remember our ListOfRegrets?
& that we shaked on it not to let the list extend?
we shook on it.
no more empty words nor promises.

♥♥♥

hostel - on hold

2007-11-05T23:55:00.000-08:00

un-happy.

"Application for next academic year AY08/09 will begin in March 2008. You will be able to move in August 2008 when the new AY starts if you are successful in your application."

& i was so very very happy...
when mum gave the green light on the condition that i'll pay everything by myself, for myself.
when i was daydreaming on the bus, jotting down the list of things to get & pack.
when i by-pass the hostel.
when i sat there people-watching & smiling to myself, silly.
when i saw this notice pasted outside the library.

yea! now i can stay up all night & mugg! :) - i thought.

& then the sky fell.

it fell really hard.

on the bright side, maybe this is a blessing in disguise.
i'll be able to save up enough money for the hostel fees + daily allowance.
dont be too disappointed little brother.
or am i saying that to myself?

just bear with it for another year. or less than that.
Aug 2008, it's already Nov 2007.
very soon.
hang in there.
it's near.
i can smell it.

-------------------------

another thing, brother & me stayed up till 3am plus the other night, crapping.
he said that this will probably be the last few moments we'll spent talking like this.
but that was before i received the reply from the hostel in-charge.
still, that made me feel kinda sad.
but we'll part one day anyway.

---------------------------

i felt..fear. scared & afraid.
looking into her eyes.
even though i hardly know her, i'm afraid to see death in her face.
her eyes was unusally bright, in contrast to her pale slim face.
i don't like & don't want anymore people to leave me.
the last death was in jc1..
i'm sorry, but i'm really not used to the idea of people i know moving on, to where they say, a better place.
that was what they told me when i was young, & asked where grandfather was going.
a better place, they said.
i want to go there too, i said.
& they told me to shut up & not to utter such nonsense.
please don't die on me.
the idea of death has always left me badly shaken.
& those staring but un-seeing eyes.
another weakness.
grandfather, uncle, hamster, rabbit, GirlGuide junior..isn't it more than enough?

afraid because there are so many things left undone.
so many dreams to fulfill.
so many places i want to go to.
so many people/animals i want to help.
so many piano pieces unplayed.
so many books unread.
so many things i've never experienced.
so many words unsaid.
so many...others others

time is never enough.
i wish i was somewhere else.
preferably in front of a majestic landscape, leaping off the edge.
to leap, before i am afraid.
or to gaze into the night sky..but do the stars gaze back?
hmm, i wonder.

agreement to hostel?

2007-11-03T13:37:00.000-07:00

if it can happen once, it'll happen again.
skipped lecture again, & head off to library again.
again, again & again.
was actually rushing for econs lecture after SGP society lecture ended, but caught myself midway, & pondered over the opportunity costs.
photocopy notes or econs lecture?
chose the former.

it's always like that isnt it?
when we first skipped Chinese lecture, we started skipping every subsequent lectures.
hahaa
things like that tend to repeat especially when it's as desirable as cookies.
stealing is wrong, & that likens to us skipping lectures.
but the end result, for stealing cookies is so very very sweet.
though for skipping lectures...it'll probably affect my econs grade.

bag almost gave way again cos it's simply too heavy.
bro suggested that i should had just gotten a Crumpler bag: at this rate you're going..all the bags you bought add up to a better Crumpler bag!

oh&yes, bro's all excited that i'm moving ~~out~~ to hostel.
he'll have two rooms that way & that guy had been eyeing at my room ever since we moved here in Jan.
mother was against it & kept demanding for explanations.
after much curt/short explanations & insistence + stubborness on my part that i just want to learn to live by myself & more independent instead of a sheltered kid, she gave up.
added that since i put it that way, she wont be giving me anymore allowances, neither will she pay for the hostel fee.
nothing at all.
so i'm pretty much all for myself, on my own.
the hostel fee is not so much of a problem, cos mum did said that i can use the money i've been saving up in my bank account.
my girls think that this is really immature of me, & just looking for trouble.
i think this will build character.
i'll go through this no matter how hard it'll be.
if i want to, i will & i can..
does that make sense to any of you?

i think dad knows about this too, & they're trying to make things up for me.
how?
for instance, they asked if i'll like to upgrade my hp to this or that new model, or if i'll like the expensive disney hp (mickey mouse) that i'd been eyeing since JC2.
or if i'll like to go to some fancy restaurant for dinner.
answer: i'm very pleased with my current hp & my taste buds are used to cheap school food & bread. fancy food will be thrown up in a fanciful rainbow of colours.

but still rather sad after what brother said.
he insisted on fixing up a nice desktop theme (WinCustomise) so that my laptop will look pretty.
but he failed.
cos laptop is just too lag.
in the end, he said that he'll burn all the nice songs that i like for me, so that i'll have music to listen to while in hostel.

...

very touched.
really.
silly brother.

--------------------------------

lunched with Esther & Lala.
another catching up session.
i'd never talked this much for so long.
okayy..it'd only been 2days plus but it seems much longer.
we so need each other.
& Lala went out with Sharm after lunch! lucky ducks!
still shopping & movie!!
not that i fancy that, but i'll love to head off to EastCoast or WestCoast soon!
& to meet up with my NTU babes! :) hearts!

& he messaged again.
& i turned him down again.
"i want to study.." i said
-------------------------------

dancing & twirling,
you're having all the fun
♥♥♥

random school

2007-11-01T23:23:00.000-07:00

flip-align-press 'start'

when you have either teddy or books to play with.
& no, the bear in the foto above is not Mr Fazums.

rightt. entire afternoon spent in the photocopy room, infringing photocopying regulation.
references entirely devoted to SGP society module.
really tiring. feel like i'm part of the BraveNewWorld.
been neglecting the newspaper since..when mid-term was about to start.
have to make up for it somehow.

but that's not all that happened today.

start off with Econs tutorial.
it has been weeks since the last tutorial, & that equates to how long i'd been neglecting economics. for my part. tutoring Lydia & junior not taken into consideration.
there're alot more calculations now. maths stuff.
concepts fuzzy.

second last EL1101 tutorial today.
despite that one hour being totally unproductive, it's kinda relaxing & just crap with Pamela, XinHui, June or Eleanor :)
concepts fuzzy.

last SGP tutorial.
feel kinda depress..
because it's the last tutorial, & even though i'm always very confused at the end of it..
the tutorial's nice. the lecturer - Dr Saroja is nice, the tutor - Robin is nice, the classmates are nice, & the module itself is nice!
it has been a fun tutorial & one of my fav, & that's saying something, cos the other fav is psychology tutorial.
that's all.
time flies.
concepts fuzzy.

& another thing is, i think Jason's disappointed with the term paper grade.
B+
do i need to go into detail?
i hope you know.

& something hit me today.
we're really shaped by our environment.
been wondering for quite some time if this particular guy, who's really vocal in tutorial, is a sociology major. but i thought he was year1, so dismissed that thought. turns out that he's a year2. i think. & i didnt even asked for his name. it's just that his concepts are really strong, the damn power kind. & this other guy, who's also really vocal, speculate that he's majoring in economics. just can sense it. his analytical skill is quite similar to Jason's, & he's a econs major.

what we'd learned, shaped our perception.
& a lecturer told me this: "we learn a thing because we hope to understand it better. at this current level, your aim is to understand. at the next level, you may offer new understandings."

another thing that happened in tutorial today.
there's this girl (& again, i have no idea what's her name. gahh) who asked where i lived. turns out that she lives next block! same as my cousin, except that she lives on the 21st floor.
small small world..
& recently found out that alot of ex-classmates live aorund this area:
ShiYing, cousin, HuiQin, Jeremy, Benjamin, JiaYi, WenLi, Jocelyn, ZhongTeck, ShiYuan, JiaYu & my current classmate too.

the Melodie at home = hair like some cock, super nerdy specs + oversized jj t-shirt + fbt shorts + flipflops
in short, sotong-monkey look.
lmao. cousin & Milo always comment that i look like nerd zombie at home.
totally different image from school.

oh& the girl said that she has a dog.
coolness! wanted to ask if her dog eats cat, & if it does, i'll love to borrow it for a while.
neighbour has a cat, which enjoys peeing on slippers & recently started playing with Milo's shoes & dragged it around by the shoelace.
& it's so sly & cunning! just sneaked into the house unnoticed & started walking around.
mum really hit the roof that time.
i was on its side. that mum + Milo + dad shouldnt keep criticising it, & that it's actually really adorable.
that was before it pee-ed on my slippers. twice.
& it's starting to stalk me home.
gahh.

ran into HuiQin while heading to the library...
[shoe came off]
"Cinderelli!!"
"HuiQin!!"
"your shoe came off hahaa shoe so cute!"
[talk talk talk]

HuiQin reminded me something.
something which triggered off happy happy memories.
she said this: "i miss the orientation with you!"
yesh yesh..

flashback:
HuiQin..you dont have sleeping bag is it?
[nods] i didnt thought we'll be sleeping much & it's just one night..
but it'll be freaking cold in the middle of the night..you want to share sleeping bag?
[smiles] okayy! thx!!

yesh..that was so ~~funny~~ sweet.

using sleeping bag as a blanket
freaking cold
cuddled together
the hall ceiling was beautiful
without my specs, only the glowing lightsticks were visible
still hanging from the pretty pretty balloons

that was really nice.
people kept staring at me while i was smiling away to myself, & photocopying at the same time.
gahh. super throw face i know.

SouthAsian lecture today was confusing.
more confusing than ever.
there were so many things i wanted to ask the lecturer.
concepts fuzzy.

head off to TiongBahruPlaza after lecture ended at 2000.
there were pretty cupcakes! double chocolate! sorely tempted to buy, but my hands were full.
met ShiYing at the bus-stop! same block.
told you this is a small world.

like how cousin Edwin knows him & TeeYien.
this world is seriously too small.

at TiongBahruPlaza, was looking at instand cook-food & frozen food, when out of the blue, this guy from pri sch who used to bully+tease+make fun of me called me.
look spastic.
he kept talking, asking me questions, while i was edging away, & giving short replies & he pressed on. & people were staring.
& this guy at the cashier kept staring.

people should learn that it's rude to stare.
causes me great discomfort+nervous.
hate people looking/staring at me for more than 3seconds.
---------------------------

another thing is about Wikipedia.
advised strongly not to rely too much on it.
Kiat How will freak if he knows this. i think.
hahaa!

lastly, on Dharma.
very very fuzzy with regards to this topic.
going insane.
is it a law? religion?
the lecturer said that it's a social order, but it has notions that are similar to religious beliefs.
concepts fuzzy.

♥♥♥

potential hostel life

2007-10-31T23:15:00.000-07:00

"finally, a place of my own!"

& that's what i'm hoping will be the opening of a post someday.
been checking up on the students residences, & there are 3 options.
click here

so looking forward to the application date! 6th Nov :)
& been daydreaming on the bus..what i'll bring to my hostel..what i'll need to get..
- books + all academics related barangs
- clothes
- toiletries
- toys [usagi-chan + stitch + Scruffy + Mr Fazums + others]
- shoes + slippers
- blanket
- alarm clock
- hp charger
will need to get bedspreads, iron, keyboard..
you get the picture

but i know i'll miss, first & foremost, my brother.
& then i'll miss granny..

lmao. making it sound like i'm leaving for good. most probably will return home on Saturdays & back to hostel on Monday.
hopefully they wont change their mind again.
but then again, maybe they wont.
since i'm such a sore-eye, pain in the ass, like a sore thumb sticking out.

can't wait.

it hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time.

♥♥♥

differing trajectories

2007-10-30T23:36:00.000-07:00

who's that?
me.
who's me?me who?
wanjing..
hur?
melodie..
...
in any case, it's rude to stare
---------------------------------

another arguement.
with dad this time.
i wanted so much to throw tantrum like i did back when i was in kindergarten.
until dad brought out the cane & i ran for my life.

point being, this whole episode ended with me in tears after dad turned in, mum ignoring, brother totally shut away from us (engrossed in his computer). as far as he is concerned, he'll be taking driving, & looking forward to it.

who the hell am i.
a product of blind obedience? i despise that even more now, after learning about Milgram's Experiment. makes one feel like a banana.
not meaning ethically Chinese & westernised.
but rather, in Portugal, to say one is a banana, means that the person has no opinion of his own & just follows the rest/majority. like a bunch of banana, they're all the same. stupid.

it's just like how father fetched me from library at 8pm plus for belated birthday dinner. i didnt asked for that. i didnt asked for anything from them. after last year's incident, i've learned. they bought the cake, & went for dinner. got impatient when the place was crowded. kept checking the time. ate hastily. answered a phone call & said this: oh i'm having dinner now..daughter's birthday no choice la...ya ya i know i know

frankly, i admit i almost cried then. twice. the first was when he was gobbling down dinner & hurried us too, saying that he had to return to work. & the second time..

& this is the third time.
i didnt asked for this.
for a cake which was left uncut for one entire week.
for a dinner like that.
i'm more contended to snuggle up in the library with notes+readings+books.

i'm dreading the next day. i know, i can foresee..
this sense of foreboding.
dad will start ranting all over again & i just know what he'll say

gastric getting really bad now.
tried eating something, but it wont go away.

---------------------------------

day: Tuesday
date: 30th October '07

happy halloween in advance.
the wind is strong. suddenly. & howling.
it's angry. & upset. a direct replica & reflection of the inner state.

& it's rude to stare.

the day was..kept receiving stares.
do these people know that it's rude to stare?
on the bus, in library, on the way to class, at the supermarket..
people should never stare like that.
great discomfort & uneasiness.
it's eating my insides.
i dont even like staring at myself in the mirror.
who can stand such a fugly face?
like what he once said: you're a very sweet girl, just abit 挑食..& not pretty enough..not saying you're not pretty..just not pretty enough..

so in short, unpretty.

received my SouthAsia mid-term exam paper, & really really surprisingly, i passed!
it's 25% of total. need to continue working hard.

i wanted so much to tell them that i did well for my psychology & southasian studies. that i passed my econs & language module too. so that they'll be proud of me.

but now, i realise that they'll never be mighty proud of me.
the only moment they're proud, is when i ended in NUS (ended, not chose) but disappointment again after 4 months when i declared that i chose Psychology as my major. mum asked if it's possible to change major. i told her no. her face fell. so did my heart. i know now that unless i do whatever they want me to do, they'll never be proud of me.

to be a dutiful daughter, who dresses appropriately, well-mannered, neat & nicely-cut hairstyle, in Economics major in NUS, to be able to juggle housework + driving + school & ace in all of them. to not dwell on music & useless doodlings/drawings/shoe-designing. everything i like/choose is not to their liking.

friction.

i used to thought they were joking when they said that i was from the dump.
but then again, maybe there's a certain amount of truth to it.
or maybe like mum suggested, she carried the wrong 'LeeWanJing' back from the hospital.

i guess i'm not exactly made for conventional daughter roles.
& will have to struggle with this knowledge.

---------------------------------
RE-EDITED PART
date: 31st Oct '07
day: Wednesday
time: 0947

as expected, it went again.

to sum up the whole hysterical discussion, father & daughter got really heated up & voices were raised. for father. daughter no longer has the strength to raise her voice. & neighbours woke up. Milo woke up as i left. mum kept quiet throughout, but suggested to me that i should take a cab to the station instead of walking. it was raining.

& i dont give a damn. just walk. i need that cab-fare for something else.
i need that money for my keyboard.
for my future apartment.

morning was freezing.
but felt something hot against cheeks..
the sky looks as if it cried
it's as if i'm part of it.
~~ironically, in grey today.~~
coincidentally, both in grey today.

sense something. things will be awful for the days to come.
& having said that, this will probably shape my perception & attitude towards everything else.
so let's be more specific.
things will be awful for the days to come, ~~at home~~in the house.
at least school seems like some form of solace now.

psychology as major + gastric probs + sore throat

2007-10-30T00:21:00.000-07:00

gahh.
must have eaten too much over the past few days & now gastric problems are starting to surface.
resulting in sudden loss of appetite..? perhaps. coupled with sore throat. the girl sharing the table stared when i brought out 2 bottles of water out from bag. JiaJia used to do that. as in, bringing extra bottles of water.

had a quarrel with her yesterday. sort of.
raised voices considered?
~~we're~~ she's not talking. it's the cold shoulder/silent treatment again.
over petty stuff.

her daughter told her she was going to major in Psychology, & not Economics. or rather, not what the mother had intended for her daughter to major in. why do you think she's stuck in NUS? going for NTU would have meant Psychology set, but going for NUS gives out this false hope & illusion that her daughter may change her mind & take Economics instead. she was wrong. her daughter is stubborn. really stubborn in this context, & firm in her decision for once. anyway, the quarrel ended up with tears & about heartbreak. both ways. the episode when the mother mercilessly sold the piano, turning a deaf ear on her daughter's pleas & tears. the mother's heartbreak that her daughter is taking up useless courses - first, daughter contemplated taking up music in poly, or Arts in jc then, & now psychology in NTU, or YST music school if NUS. these werent what the mother had in mind for her daughter.

there you go, typed it without being emotional. everything ended with me retorting back that she herself should take econs then.

anyway, my mind is set. despite people telling me that there are statistics & maths stuff, & it has been so very very long since i ~~did~~ studied mathematics. i wonder why people are trying to change my mind & discourage me taking up psychology. maybe it's their religious beliefs..then again, they discouraged me from taking up econs too. if i listen to them, i'll end up with nothing. i'm not here to please people.

but then again, who said it'll be easy?
everything & anything will always start off rough, in a way or another.
just have to work hard & overcome them.
that's the spirit.
the jj spirit - self-discipline + self-motivated.
Chairman ~~Mao~~ Koh will be so proud that i'm a direct product of jj.
haa kinda miss psycho Tan & LeeFock & him interrogating/scolding/detaining me for different coloured socks & vandalising the study benches.
i've learned to respect other's properties.
how can i not learn after spending the entire morning in his office then?

really not feeling very well.
losing voice.

space & place - gender - the milgram study + religion - media + lang - power

2007-10-28T02:29:00.000-07:00

been a good girl last night & did my readings for tutorials.
as i read on, felt more & more disgusted & repulsive.
whatever i read, mirrors certain themes in some of my utopian books.

1. Space & Place - the past as the fiction of the present

there is a distinct difference between public & private image, very different images.
"Nostalgia is hence a construction of the past but a condition of the present." - Brenda Yeoh and Lily Khong.
time + memory + authenticity are called into question.
in preserving heritage sites, the history has always been revised, interpreted differently by respective leaders-in-charge, & edited & rewritten to suit the present. some things we see are constructed. when did our shophouses in Chinatown has such nice tiles & door frames, or even glass? dad loves to tell Milo & me about his childhood, seeing that he frequent Chinatown the most then.

"used to play with all the other kids at the back alley, then there are barbers there too, & played with marbles, chatek(?) etc...but now everything is so different already..." - dad.

yesh. there were no air-condtion units in the back alley then. artificail VS authenticity. if everything is constructed, then what is the truth? if everything is invented, then what is true? Is Chinatown/Kampong Glam/Little India today, really what it was then? truth is less important than attractiveness. our heritage sites serve many functions, one being tourist attractions with all the cooked-up dramaturgy. it seems like we're forming a utopia, filtering the undesirable & retain only those desirable in economic, cultural & social sense. what are they? pseudo-heritage.

this likens to 'England, England' by Julian Barnes, doesnt it? from the title, 'England, England', it's like e.g. Malaysia, KL. drawing inferences, constructing a second England, within England itself. extracting all the attractions in England, & putting them altogether in one place, so that it's convenient for tourists. imagine Sentosa, Zoological Garden, Bird Park & all our cultural heritage sites in one place. but it doesnt stop here. in the book, e.g Robin Hood, the character, was seen as an icon of England, & thus this character lives in the constructed England. however, they ignored the fact that Robin Hood is a criminal, & only extract the desirable qualities of Robin Hood as sympathetic, helping the poor etc. dramatise the character. this utopia, for one moment, may seem feasible. but what will happen to the original England? it'll collapse. & it did.

the book went on about identity crisis & elusive nature of memory.
had been dead helpful with my psy & sgp term paper.

2. Gender - female VS male, patriarchy system

after going through the readings, there are parallels to this other novel, 'The Handmaid's Tale' by Margaret Atwoods. disgusting, disturbing & sad. one of the themes: patriarchy state + polygyny. (if i remember correctly, it's something like that)

fyi, polygyny means a man with many wives.

this novel is really sad because the role of women is really downplayed. there are these generals/lieutenants, with a wife, plus a Handmaid. setting in post-Gilead, nuclear wat ended, but with all the radioactive substance + declining birth rate, thus pushed for polygyny. but they carried it out in the name of religion. so anyway, these Handmaids were given 3 chances to give birth, or else...

like all other utopian fictions, there is a protagonist who will try to break out of the system & so on. in this book, the protagonist (female) gave in, being too tired & crushed to carry on. wombs=national resource, as insisted by the state, using language that dehumanizes women & reduces them to mere baby-making machine.

"I used to think of my body as an instrument, of pleasure, or a means of transportation, or an implement for the accomplishment of my will... Now the flesh arranges itself differently. I'm a cloud, congealed around a central object, the shape of a pear, which is hard and more real than I am and glows red within its translucent wrapping." - Chapter 13.

the novel continues, reflecting increasing instances of the state being patriarchal, like how the women are no longer addressed by their names, but by the generals/lieutenants' names, e.g Offred -> Of Fred. belonging. loss of identity. they are, labelled.

this is really friggin disgusting.

3. The Milgram Study + Religion

i've dawned upon the importance & relevance of religion.
refer to video below which is on Milgram's Experiment

blind obedience.
there's another study, the Prison Study.

here's the link to Milgram Study in case the video gets cranky, & here's the link to Prison Study.

& that costume functioning as a label, illusion becomes reality. personal identity erased, & boundaries erased as they took on labelled roles. likens to the issue on identity. it's like labelling Black VS White, Male VS Female etc.

there's this other experiment that my tutor told us about.
the experimenter phoned this restaurant manager, & claiming self to be a police. thereafter saying something like that: I believe that one of your employees, Ms _____, has stolen money from the cashier, & ask to seek your cooperation in carrying out investigation...
& the manager indeed searched his employee to a really unethical extent; she was stripped. there.

are humans mindless? & to what extent are people capable of evil?
suggested by researchers, without religion, meaning no karma/afterlive etc, people are more prone to carry out evil deeds. so, i guess religion does help to keep people in check & regulate behaviors. this other experiment goes something like this: a person was covered in a long hood (identity not known) & the participant was sort of hypnotised into believing that he doesnt have any religion, there are no rules/regulations/laws/punishment/karma/afterlive/heaven/hell or anything of that sort. & was told that he could do anything he likes with the person who was blinded to the situation, completely helpless. - person was treated with violence. act of violence that usually will not be carried out by the participant.

4. Media + language

media, used to enhance imaginary product differentiation, aiming to influence consumers tastes & preferences & to persuade them to buy their goods. it influences people's perceptions of themselves, their society & the world.

a very interesting point to note about media:
literate societies are governed by written laws & by the principles & statements of a constitution, while oral societies (illiterate societies) are governed by knowledge preserved by certain speakers, predominantly the elites. writings are invented to represent speech. & language is an expression of meaning. remember this. it functions as a tool of communication, right, but what are you communicating? meanings. anyway, from this point, the media acts as a democratizing agent by breaking down the monopoly on information & knowledge previously held by elites & politically connected, because one doesnt have to be literate to understand the contents/messages transmitted by telly.

presentation was something like this, but zoomed in on rural aspects. this is much more easier to understand than political systems.

5. Power

when people talk about money, they are really talking about authority relations inside the households. & how these authority relations are controlled & by whom. but then again..it's still pretty subjective. gender-based/class based/ability based?

hmm..individualism VS collectivism - we they want the best of both worlds.

okayy. too exhuasted to carry on. trying to keep my eyes wide open.
losing..
gahh.
stop hate.
"universal love is the only path towards peace!" - Battle of the Wits
Stop Hate.

starbucks with teeyien

2007-10-27T23:55:00.000-07:00

date: Friday
day: 25th Oct '07

that naughy girl skipped lecture.
-------------------------------------

there's a time for everything.
笑有时,哭有时,怒有时...

so, friday was a pretty good day :)

memory trip back to BukitBatok.
alighted a stop earlier & walked, taking in everything.
it's still pretty much the way i remembered it.
but TianLong's old block given a new coat of paint.
it's no longer all pinky! hahaa!
he sounded so embarrassed over the phone the other time..

flashback:
it's block 111...
where?? what colour is the building??
erm...pink...
pink?? hahahahaa!
ya..gay-ish building..

i think it got a new coat of paint after he moved.
& Westmall's 9th Anniversary.
& the patriotic neighbour still has the red&white flag there.
the swimming pool still looks as serene & beautiful.
& the long corridor ~~he once sent me back along~~.
& the 24hours MacDonald! comfort food station ;d
couldnt resist stopping for hotfudge sundae.
what can i say?
i'm conditioned? habitual?

had to wait for about 3 hours for the photocopying work to be done.
buried self in Mutts-Patrick McDonnell.
entertaining, but there was only one such cartoon strip.
no Garfield, nor Calvin & Hobbes.

catching up session with TeeYien at StarBucks.
for like..till 2300++?? LOL
met up at Taka first. that boy wanted to get something for a girl whom happened to have the same horoscope & birthdate as me, & he assumed that i'll know what he should get for her.
was waiting by the fountain outside Taka & did one of my fav things - people watched. he was late again.
the night was beautiful, with street musicians & moon.
it reminds me of cookie.
couldnt find what we wanted at Taka, & went to Raffles City instead.
Starbucks cheesecake was nicee! superb! ;d
his tiramisu was..okayy. never had it before but it tasted so weird. all cream.
coffee freak! it smells nice at times, but really still prefer fruit juices.
+ chocolate freak! :)
& yes! i want donuts please!!

it's really nice to just sit down & catch up
it has been so long since i'd converse in chinese throughout the whole convo & school/army wasnt even mentioned.
non-sch related.
& i realised that despite knowing this guy for many many years, since K1, this guy doesnt know anything about me. but found out more things about him. nice things.
14 15 years since! that's really longg.
same kindergarten, pri sch, jc..
but guess it doesnt really matter right?
we're still in contact & all..
15yrs..i hate people like him.
they make me feel old. hahahaa!!
but cheers to the many many years to come still.

♥♥♥

---------------------------
went to Lau Pasar at Raffles Place area for dinner.
craving for Jap food! & bought chicken bento set! ;d
i likeee!! hearts Jap food! but they didnt had Katsu Don :(
& the school Jap stall is like super popular! just look at the super long long queue!
one can only look longingly at the stall while queueing for some other food.
bfft.
hearts school food! & miss jj canteen food! it's goot! hahaa
we're contemplating a way to sneak back in & back to the Malay store! :q
& ice-cream please! & Kobahyashi!!

♥♥♥

tutorials ending...

2007-10-25T23:15:00.000-07:00

messy.

they had another fight.
in front of me.
dad picked me up from school.
i detest that.
people wow-ed.
i thought we were supposed to go for dinner together.
but dad was in the vicinity, that's why.
so simple.
& dad wanted to go back to work.
didnt felt like having dinner & walked back home in the end.
do they have any idea how horrid they sound when they're quarreling?
the cake? cut it, ate it, by myself.

they're hardly at home, we hardly talk.
back in primary one, i'd so looked forward to daddy fetching me home, & sat in the front seat, & started talking about the boy who bullied me, the new difficult word we learnt to spell.
today, 19yrs & a week old, the same girl sat right at the back of the car.
silence.
it's like strangers living under the same roof.
hardly met, hardly talked, or even exchanged glances.
sometimes, i know dad stayed overnight at his office & didnt return at all. no matter how late i turn in, 2am or 3am, he's still not back.
not that we have anything to talk about..but..
the next morning, i'll leave the ~~home~~ house early & set off to school till late at night.
our routines are pretty much similar, but somehow we just missed each other.

today, Thursday, 25th October 2007.
school sucks more & more each day. & yet i love how school's so big & no one gives a shit nor damn. search for comfort food & therapeutic walks on rooftops fringed in blooms. inhaling the air, thinking to myself, this is where...dark corners basked in illuminating sunshine, emo backdrops to smoke & slit wrists.though not doing any of them. just maybe, checking my timetable from time to time, checking in my head: "that's done, that's done too..."

& yet still feeling highly insecure. are these enough? am i really pushing myself towards the limits? or is that edge imaginary? what if i take another step forward..will i fall all the way down to nothingness? ..or a step further ahead? it's like walking into the sea. one wrong step, that's it, the end, you'll slip & drown in salty tears.

had two tutorials today: EL1101 & SGP society.
a fierce internal battle to fight back those tears was going on, hopefully unnoticed.
EL was as usual, disheartening. i couldnt understand a single friggin thing they were talking about. & i said something stupid during SGP tutorial. gahh. can you just shut up, wanjing? you asked stupid qns, said stupid things, did stupid stuff.. just stupid stupid stupid. & shut up. please, just do everyone & yourself a BIG BIG favour & shut up already.

guess what the topic for the tutorial was about.

yesh. gender, youth & FAMILY.
i thought it was supposed to be on space&place. but it wasnt. point being that the more you attempt to escape/avoid something, the more you'll find it cornering you with nowhere else to run. surrender. at the end of tutorials, bad headache. it's either i'm confused, or that i think too much. some remarks that were made, i found it really offensive. i wanted so much to stand up & overturn the table & stomp out of that place. one very important thing was mentioned by my psychology lecturer, which had been my stand for years, is not to label people. it'll shape them into something else. really.

they were talking about female VS male. & someone said something that got onto my nerves. i wanted so much to scream at that person: do you know what you are saying?! & deliver a tight slap across his face. vaguely remembered the article on female VS male in the TIME magazine last year, about job requirements. to summarise things up, it said that in the past, to achieve same standard as the males, females work really hard to get a paper cert, just so to be on par, with equal status & all. & the patriarchy of it all is such that, job requirements changed to suit the males. it's really like what the hell. & the way they keep labelling females as submissive freaks, housewives etc..but the worst part was when family was brought up. never mind. dropped it already.

the moment i reached home, went to scavenge old foto albums on childhood days. those outings with mum & dad. dated: public holidays & weekends. progressively, dated: public holidays. & subsequently, dated: NA

without these fotos, i'll never know they spent time with me at all.
but then again, all i can remember from my childhood is the two damn years i spent at some horrid childcare centre, being force-fed veggies & red/green bean soup, & a horrid woman who always pulled my ears & cheeks.
& on my 4th birthday, i had this mickey mouse birthday cake. something like the one QiYuan (my kid at GraceField) had for his 4th birthday. but his parents were there with him throughout the birthday celebration, & even took him out to play after that.
i was looking for my parents after birthday song was sung. they had left. for work.

~~& they mentioned grandmother.~~
i love my granny.
she knows my food preferences, used to plait my hair into 2pony tails, waited for my school bus when dad had to work, & didnt had the time to ferry me to & fro anymore, accompanied me to the washroom or for a glass of water in the middle of the night..she's my sweet old lady.
but things changed when Milo was borned.

mum used to say: we found you in the rubbish dump.
& dad added: at TiongBahru market there.
i thought then: at least someone wants me.

i cant go on anymore..
-------------------

went off in search of comfort food ~~after that.~~
cookie + orange strawberry lemonade.
suddenly, this doesnt work anymore.
perhaps i should try other comfort food, i thought.
& came across the fruit stall & bought an apple.
& i like it. its taste is just like...now.
sour, yet slight tinge of sweetness.

-------------------
it sneaks up upon you, & strike when you least expected it.
tutorials are ending soon.
hurray & booo.
i am so looking forward to the end of SouthAsian tutorial (that's definite)
i would have love to say the same for EL1101 tutorial, but it'll be lonely without Eleanor, XinHui, Pamela & June.
same for SGP tutorial, i've grown so accustomed to having Jason there, like an elder brother guiding me.
there had hardly been any economics tutorial, so the module is pretty slack in a way.
& i know i cant bear psychology tutorial.
i have nice tutors like YuHui & Robin, & really good lecturers for psychology, SGP society, economics & EL1101.

my first lousy school term is coming to an end.
sour cream & onions.

fire drill + EL proj results + EL test

2007-10-24T20:31:00.000-07:00

"This is an old-fashion fire alarm.."

firedrill today at 1032.
was at Central Library.
the point is, there was a notice about the fire drill being scheduled on one of the days from 22nd Oct to 27th Oct.
& it just had to be today.

lectures/tutorials/meetings were disrupted, people streaming down the stairs, some dumb dumbs waiting by the lift, & yes, i was one of them.
i mean, hey, we all know this is fake, & i'm at the 5th floor, & i'm not about to go down by foot.
but the security guard still chased us off towards the winding staircase.
lasted for about 30mins?
orange strawberry lemonade is uber invigorating! :)

-------------------
received a couple of birthday presents recently, & well, looking at the foto collage made for me, with fotos way back from JC1 to not too long ago (Aug), it made me feel like i've toned down quite alot.
this is not self-praise.
i repeat, this is not self-praise.
i'm not even sure if 'toning down' is supposed to be good or bad in my context.
but the gifts were pretty! :)
thank you so much! it's really really sweet!

JJ days: first foto was in the very starting in JC1, then 17th birthday at LT5. the rest JC2- before 'A' levels, 'A' levels.
post JJ days: Jan, July, Aug. (Jan to June-butch cut fotos missing)

okayy. i so prefer JJ days! esp in sch uniform! :) hearts!

so damn carefree then.

& personally, the last foto doesnt seem right.

after all, it's a reflection.

a reflection of whom i'm not.
-gah. bimbo blog not.

-------------------
EL1101 test (CA2) was a killer.
i am so dead.
i'm praying like mad now & hoping that my first CA was alright & will pull up CA2 marks.
i've like got no idea what the hell i was writing.
& estee complained that i was fast.
no i wasnt dear.
i just skipped every single freaking question till i could skip no more.

got back EL1101 project's results.
we passed. 19/30
my group members were quite disappointed, cos they expected something better.
i'm really afraid i'd let them down.
& i'm starting to feel the pressure of working in a group.
it's like..i think my tutor will return it to us, & we'll know which part went wrong.
afriad my part was irrelevant & brought them down.
& another thing, is my SGP project.
i know it's silly to be worrying over it, especially when we had just handed it in.
but, if it's not me, it's him.
if it's not him, then of cos it's me.
cant you see this is why i rather work on it by myself instead of in a group?
at least if i did badly, only my grades are affected.
& it wont affect others.
& i'll only have to answer to myself.
now, suddenly i have to answer to so many people.

♥♥♥

north & south apart

2007-10-23T22:06:00.000-07:00

you're like the North Pole of a magnet bar,
& i'm like the North Pole of a magnet bar too.

so there's no way for both of us to be close together.
there's a force that will always push us apart..
& this force is called the obstacle.

-------------------

that was what was said then.
but now, he'd added a part 2.
a sequel..
a rebuttal to whatever bullshit she said:

however, if you put a metal bar in between, both magnets will stick to it..
& will be close to each other.
that metal bar dissolves the force that pushes us both away.
& that metal bar is what we called love..

-------------------

was it supposed to sound romantic?
she really really really hate & avoid going to jurong east/clementi area..unless she really really really cant help it
too many things that happened, making it hard to forget.
just when she thought she did it.
someone help plant some false memories in her.
tell her she didnt ran into him on the bus
tell her he didnt text suddenly & incessantly
tell her he's with some other girl now, happily ever after
tell her he wasnt at the basketball court near her house waiting
tell her to get over it already

well, ~~perhaps she did~~ she thought she did.
& she was about to blog about life being unnaturally peaceful & calm like the river.
& how she despises that

& yet the kind her current friends love & led during their JC days (unlike hers) & still leading it in the same fashion.
to whine about things being monotonous
to tell her girls how much she misses the days at the Grandstand after school & getting all dirty at the ODAC corner & basketball/netball court etc

to try & recall how beautiful the sunflowers in school were
to compare how much she enjoyed the thrills & dramas that occur every so frequent than all these now
to reminisce all the fun & joy & food & laughter & tears & sweat & ice-cream..
things sure were beautiful back then.
life sure is lonely & sad without her girls
shall she transfer to NTU to be with all of them again?

tell her something true when all she's known are lies.
tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses, not black.
all these things are true..

but then again, all that was before.
right now, she rather stay where she is now.
sure, she misses the dramas & all, but suddenly, she doesnt again.
it gets draining after awhile, doesnt it?

tell her something positive.
more herself.
tell her -
"This is it girl..it's going to be gone soon."
"i know.. what do we do?"
"enjoy it."

i will enjoy it; consume me emotion.
keep your distance, watch me. please.

that's more like it.

redecorating room - post bday din

2007-10-21T21:55:00.000-07:00

redecorated room
again :)
nothing beats spending a beautiful Sunday afternoon, tidying up room with tingling scent of passionfruit!
yeaa..the fruit doesnt look pretty, but it has the loveliest fragrance!

notes + files + tutorials + barangs were all in a mess.
messy messy...
its like wenting's hall's pile of rubbish
it heaps up and she never bothers to clear it.
wenting'll get mad at this point cos, well, she'd rather not have ants as roomies.
anyway, yupp.
i guess things have become so bad i have to clear it up..
and out the head.

& i've got ZO cards up on my bookshelf!

-------------------
gave the birthday -waiying+madeline+me- chalet a miss.
but anyway, happy birthday! :)

met up with junior & Lydia yesterday at je library.
helped them with Econs.
really chiong-ed mircoeconomics.
we felt great!

"why didnt u look me up earlier? i was like so damn bored before my school started.."
"i had no idea you took econs at first..till the econs teachers showed us names of ex-students from your batch who did really well for 'A' levels even though not so fantastic at the beginning"
"they still do that??"

suddenly, it struck me how long i've left jj..
i remembered someone (cant recall who) who made this remark while we were looking at the names off the screen..
we thought they made up those names.
probably not.

"you really mug all day in school???" - Lydia asked 7 times yesterday.
why not?
indifference.
it sounds no life, no fun & glamour like what most people presumed it'll be.
hmm, not really.
after all, it's still school.

"you look so different now!"
"cos of contacts?"
"hmm..partially..but ur face looks different.."
what's so different? i didnt ask further.
what if.

-------------------

be-lated birthday dinner with fam
& cake! - cookies&cream ;d
but still uncut, cos mum & dad had to rush back to work after dinner last night.

maybe tonight? hmm
thanks for all the gifts :)

pretty retro shades+pencil case+diary+shoes+passionfruit stuff from BodyShop etc...

use BodyShop! it's against animal testing, protect our planet, defend human rights, activate self-esteem and support community trade.
read more here.

♥♥♥

end of SGP proj

2007-10-19T22:09:00.000-07:00

First, 'Happy Birthday!' to WaiYing! :) [starts singing birthday song]

projects concluded today.
EL project last thursday, & SGP project today.
cant help feeling a sense of uneasiness at the end of it
been questioning myself alot on whether i've put in my 100% & more.
felt really guilty when my EL group members, Ele, XinHui, June & Pam, stayed up together with me to cut down on our word limits (1000words, but my analysis & conclusion part was like 800+) till almost 3am for consecutive nights.
& something tells me that Jason didnt slept last night too, & was up doing the essay.
perhaps just a couple of hours of sleep, but he looked really really tired.
he skipped lessons today b/c of this.
the least i could do was to copy down notes during SGP lecture & to pass it to him the next tutorial.

after so many weeks together with my projects mates, it all ended.
just like that.
it came too fast, too soon, crept up on me slyly

kinda strange the other day. just sitting there..in silent.
we had concluded everything during the last project meeting & all of a sudden, there was nothing to talk about.
but just sat there & shared with them the donuts i bought for them from DonutFactory.
felt kinda strange after bidding them goodbye..

new book: I Believe You by Low Kay Hwa
a very sad & touching story.
a good read.
& Sing to the Dawn by Ho Min Fong
cried real hard while reading these two books.
but i should stop for now & focus first

there are many more books that will love to get though!
1. Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackeray
2. Bleak House by Charles Dickens
3. The Lost Girl by D.H Lawrence
4. Women in Love by D.H Lawrence
5. Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
6. A Child called 'it' by Dave Pelzer
7. White on black. An Orphan's Story by Rubben Gallego
8. Ugly by Constance Briscoe
9. Shame byJasvinder Sanghera
10. Invisible by Jonathan Buckley
11. Mrs Kimble by Jennifer Haigh
12. The Odd Women by George Gissing
13. Animal Farm by George Orwell
14. ...
some of these, i've read before, but will just love to get hold of them to add to my collection.
after exams! :)

ohyesh, this book, England, England by Julian Barnes is really good.
Utopian genre, helped me with Psychology & SGP society term papers :)
it's a good read really.
talks about the elusive nature of memory, & how the past is used to make sense of the present (past as the fiction of the present) & highlights the juxtaposition such as the idea of authenticity VS constructions, & the invention of traditions.
oxymoronic.
traditions should have existed for a long time rightt?
funny how most of the utopian genre i've read, kinda relates to this society.
Reference to '1984' & 'Animal Farm' by George Orwell, 'The Handmaid's Tale' by Margaret Atwood, 'Brave New World' by Aldous Huxley.. & many others ...

lastly, on racial prejudice, this is what i found.

it says that there is "no scienctific basis for genetic or biological theories of race and that 'much of the history of the genetics of race turns out to have been prejudice dressed up as science" - Ian Marsh
interesting take.

-------------------
digression...

foto above reminds me of my little thinkers.
so very very miss them! :(
the little girl drinking from her cup reminds me of Natalie
girl next to her, Clara
& girl eating cake...Dalon! little boy who refuses to sleep unless hug him till he falls asleep.

working at Gracefield was great.
get to nap with my toddlers (sort of. had to cuddle them to sleep), feed & clean them, play & watch TV (tom&jerry, mrbean, bugs bunny etc), dance & sing, lots of birthday cakes, piano, playground ...

i remember attending a MacDonald birthday party when i was in primary school..
& no there was no Ronald MacDonald nor ... the purple thing..hahaa!
used to go MacDonald for their happymeals (toys) & balloons - said Dad.
hardly ate anything there, except to play with toys & balloons.
that explains alot

&yesh! it's rabbit's 9th birthday! (same day as me, since it's my bday present erm..when i was in Pri 4)
they ~~used to~~ say this looks like me
nonsense! it looks nothing like me laa! bfft!
oofah.

this is way more adorable then me can! lol

& on a concluding note, a powerful image which i just came across

how many of us have courage like this?
used to thought that parading down the roads reflect a genuine concern over the subject matter, & was keen on going down the road during the holidays, yelling "STOP EATING SHARK FIN! STOP STERILISING CATS! STOP ABANDONING YOUR PETS! BLOOD DIAMONDS! WE WANT CHEWING GUM! STOP STEREOTYPING GAYS & LESBIANS! I WANT COOKIEE!!!"

but apparently, it's against the law of..a capitalist state?
"dont waste your time...time is money..do work if you're so bored.."-said mum.
no i wasnt bored.
how many times in your life will you get to have such a long break like that?
rot it away :)
worm.

♥♥♥

19th birthday

2007-10-18T23:37:00.000-07:00

her 19th! :)

the day went reasonably well (:
& initially, she thought of skipping lessons for the day.
b/c it was seriously dumb.
Econs tutorial at 8am, 1 hour EL tutorial...
& a whole solid 7 hours break before SouthAsia lecture.

she was super tempted to skip the lecture cos someone asked her out
but while contemplating whether to do so, aloud over the phone, he encouraged her to go for lecture instead. & maybe just dinner after her lecture.
that double-faced person! XD
so yupp, unusually good girl who stayed in school & mugged again.
bfft.
but then again, she decided not to go for dinner in the end.
couldnt stand the thought that her project partner was still struggling with the project & half-sick, while she goes out & playy, & enjoys herself.

Good things must share, & even more so for bad things.

-------------------
on 17th October
2340

[mum returns from work]
girl?
hmm?
oh..eat already?
hmm..sort of la..where daddy?
he went back to work...
bro?
he's not back yet??

at 2356

[milo returns home]
hello everybody! wah...going to 12 already hor...
ohyah!
huh?!? u forgot sis's birthday?? hor!!
no la...girl happy birthday!
orh...
happy happy birthday!

from 0000-00xx

happy birthday to uuu happy birthday to uuu~ [sung to different music]
okayy! guess the actual music!
...

at 0042

[dad returns from work]
girl?? happy birthday!

on 18th Oct
at 0600

[hp beeps]
xxx: happy birthday ;)
[stunned]
me: thanks :)
[phone rang]
happy birthday! hahaa u wake up so early? er..got see my msn nick?
thanks! hmm? no...why?
hahaa okayy nvm ;) what time ur sch end?
i gtg le..take care & have fun..& dont so stress..
hur?
u sound stress...or is it b/c i call? hahaa..
no la...just stress..u take care too..byee..
byee...miss u
[hangs up]
[startled]

damn you. can u stop?
if today was 6 months or so before, just hearing your voice would have made my day w/o fail.
why are tears falling?
the sunrise seems different today
it's not as bright
someone once said that time would dry the tears.
it had been months, yet tears kept falling whenever i saw/hear him...
each day is like one more gap that sets me away from you ever since the day you told yourself you didn't ~~love~~ like me & not to wait for you.
when i stop busying myself, it hurts.
but by saying that, its not as if it can change anything.
you're not going to care, to reply, to come back
nor stop the hurt.
but as i let each day pass, it strikes me that one day, the gaps added up together will make me so far away

by then our images will look so small...
that it's easier to just stop squinting & close my eyes.
or let the waves & tide come take it all away.
...
like writing a lovestory on sand

when he's reduced to a string of digits (yes, your number), something happens.
& then the reason why you moved on, that being cos you've waited for too long, starts becoming invalid..
yes, you start thinking to yourself that maybe this isn't the end, not yet. hope.
& then there are the out of the blue "track-stoppers"
that make you compare yet again
& wish for something better.
it makes you wonder, also
why reminders just have to appear when..
-yes, such great timing,-
when your faith's like a scarf, flitting in the wind,
hanging from a tree branch.

you remember, and conclude: this really isn't anything close to what i'm looking for.
~~if only..~~

time can really play fools of us..

all these melodramatics...
il m'aime. un peu? beaucoup? passionément? a la folie. il m'aime ... pas du tout.
pas du tout.
pas du tout.
pas du tout.

mon cher petit ami imaginaire, savez-vous que les blessures?

oh drop it already

-------------------
the day went on with frequent birthday greetings :)
some of the senders were unexpected.
like him.
you just had to wreck me up in the morning
i had to take in a deep breath before answering/speaking lest u hear it

i saw it.
miss her. "stop there, from now on i'll come to you" - msn nick

confusing signals.

-------------------
Beverly
Milo
Mum & Dad
Sharm
Samantha
TeeYien
Lala
Loriene
WeeEng
Esther
Jocelyn
Sally
Lydia
HongYue
QianLing
Raymond
Zaid
Serene
TeeJun
WenTing
Samantha
WenLi
Tisha
Andrea
Xenia
JianHao
ZhiYao
Jackson
WaiYing
Robin
ChongTat
Jasmine
BoonTat
BaoHui
Jason

i'm sorry if i missed anyone out, & thanks for all the birthday greetings! :)
-------------------
been daydreaming about staying in hostel.
my room.
will be able to keep a keyboard in my room
a mini-fridge for milk & fruits + fruit juices & chocolates
ironing board
maybe a goldfish for company
toys & so on...

what else?

let me move to NTU!
oh wait. xxx will be there after his NS.
fine.
i'll stay in NUS then...
-------------------

had to give WaiYing' chalet a miss.
school ended late.
& Saturday morning, driving.
afternoon, helping friend with econs...
was looking forward to it.
the all night mahjong & bbq

miss the days back in jj when we were celebrating each other's birthday.
how we try to get a cake for birthdays
how ZhiYao bluffed me & returned to find a cake for me & our Chairman Koh was there...
good times :)

-------------------
summing it all up for the day: to write L-O-V-E on her arms

if you get it.

♥♥♥

Annual Floriade in Canberra

2007-10-14T23:54:00.000-07:00

with regards to the foto collage above, not taken by me, but by my beloved ex-tuition teacher, HuiLing 姐姐.
taken in Canberra's annual Floriade :)
those beautiful flowers really do make the picture perfect!

& here's more
taken when Spring started, which means the bitter coldness that she endured for 3 months is over!

"It's a rather pretty sight now with the trees covered with newly blossom flowers and the ducks which bring their lil ducklings out for a walk. I had the fun of chasing those cute ducklings around! haha! Those ducklings were so scared and had to cross the road to escape the evil monster chasing them." - HuiLing

LOL!

HILARIOUS!!
i'm glad she's having loads of fun there!
but she had to mug real hard too.
miss her & looking forward to seeing her in FASS :)

hope these pretty fotos cheered you up as much as it did to me :)

♥♥♥

autumn

2007-10-06T23:25:00.000-07:00

haiku: autumn trees

depth of autumn
a few leaves on the tree
dancing

autumn leaves
the girls talk about
christmas

autumn
from the gnarled trees
fluttering birds

john tiong chunghoo

Hearts the sound of red/yellow/orange leaves crackling under my footsteps.
I've set my mp3 on pause, just to take it all in.
I feel brand new, walking through the depth of fallen leaves, taking my time walking down the hill with a few leaves dancing around.

Don't stop now.

-----------------------

There's this particular RP survey which is about friendship, kinship & love.
It brings back nice memories.
It reminded me of how the funny funny things we did in the past.
It makes tickle in my mouth.

Doesnt it make you happy to see the autumn colours? splashes of red, orange & yellow over green pastures.

I think it's beautiful.

I've grown so accustomed to waking up at 6am every weekday just to watch the sunrise while brushing my teeth. Just to watch the light cast over the scene before me, brightening up the colours of nature.

I wish i was somewhere else. with autumn.
I love the four seasons.
There's always something nice about each if you look hard enough. with your heart.

But i guess with technology & advancement, most of us don't feel anything about the seasons & the small variations between each.
We have our air-condition on during the summer/warmer days, & heaters on during the colder days/winter.
Perhaps there aint much trees around in more developed cities to appreciate the gradual change in colours of the leaves, to watch the squirrels running up & down the trees, to watch the birds fly south in their V-formation.

---------------------

passby jj today.
The forever familiar basketball court + synthetic field + thewallwithpimples + ODACobstacle courses + the track + grandstand & the same old blue building.
The same old good old building.
How we used to complain that the school lacks colour.
He had his reasons. We had ours.
I realised how attached i was more to the 'outdoors-area' of the school.
How we played badminton basketball netball & the titter-totter board every other day.
& the beautiful sunflowers. seeing them smile makes my face brighten up.
All the cryings & laughings at the grandstand, when i still had you by my side. Even though i pushed you away time & again. I'm sorry. & thanks for all the 'let-it-all-out' sessions.
Remember the flying fox? That was hell loads of fun. oofah!
I miss the food. I love almost every stall! The Malay foodstall was the best.

Cafe was seriously over-priced. Lucky us, ice-cream stall is sooo affordable!
I miss CCA days.
How fun was it to end my training session within an hour, & "fighting" to get my turn done & over with, just so i can watch you at training from the grandstand?
Good times! Ever so beautiful.

I miss jj.
&yes, i know i'm always saying this, but that's b/c i really really do...
Suddenly, i keep seeing people in NUS who resemblance friends/people from jj.
theory is: i miss you all too much that i'm having hallucinations.
It's just so sad it's only 2years.
My birthday wish, to get hold of some form of time machine/remote to hit restart button & pause there. Just stay a little longer.

Shit. Crying.
I love you all & miss you all so much.
& no i didnt cry on the bus.

okayy maybe a little.
passed-by your house too.

♥♥♥

midst of mugging...

2007-09-28T00:48:00.000-07:00

Right. It's past midnight, & i'm still here. Just done summarising 4 readings for SGP project.

Yet, i cant seem to find a way to really organize my thoughts into a more orderly manner.

It's jumping from one end to another.
It's contradicting the one before.

It's all confused. No coherent.

I have no brain scanning techniques available here, but in paper form, that's pretty much how my thoughts will look like now.

a mess...

Earle Swensens + Outing with pretties + Jason's car + JE Lib with BoonTat

2007-09-27T17:15:00.000-07:00

Here i am, waiting for online conference to commerce. I know these things are so overdued! Maybe it's just in my nature to procrastinate...so very very lazy...hahaa!

22nd September '07 - Saturday

Family dinner at Earle Swensens (VivoCity) last weekend! Milo's hooked to donuts! He just cant get enough of them! There's this other donut store at Vivo too - DippinDonuts. Plus point, the queue's not as long as at DonutFactory.

Personally, feel that it's not as nice as DonutFactory, but..okay it's just not as good. more flavours available at DonutFactory, like apple & cinnamon, chocolate raspberry... & now, Milo's bugging me to buy donuts for him back from DonutFactory! gah.

& a few months back he told me, "i dont like donuts.."
I dont know him anymore.

Had dinner at Earle Swensens. Prefer the original Swensens better! The menu's different & there's fondue! But i'm the only choco lover in the fam! (perhaps plus Milo) & we're too full anyway hahaa! It's damn expensive! & uber gi-normous portions! Bill added up to about near 100$! But the ambience was pretty good.

♥♥♥

24th September '07 - Monday

Out with my pretties! Hearts! First stop, CityHall! :) was late cos actually doubled back to change to smthg else - dress was too short.

gah.

We They are hardworking girls! Went to National Library to look up for extra info/notes for their term papers!

The National Library's strict. Lots of rules & regulations. No this, no that blah blah blah. They do have rather interesting psychology books there though. But their photocopy fees are like 8cents per page (compared to NUS library, 3cents per page) Jason was so right about this! I've learned this lesson first hand!

This is a pretty view taken from the elevator! So hearts taking the lift up to 14th floor & down again! Oofah! Andrenaline rush! i likeee!!! AGAIN!!!

Head off to Bugis Street for some shopping. Bought a new short skirt! But didnt managed to get my flipflops nor shoes.

Still need to get my contact lens..so running low of it & I look damn toot/nerd with my specs on can! gah.

3rd stop, IKEA! nicee stuff there!! :) lovee going there for their ice-cream & hot-dog! recall going all the way down to IKEA after school just for the food. back in jj then.

See the pretty potted flowers/plants??
4th grid=my fav flower! Gerbera! didnt know they came in pots too!

VS bouqet of flowers, these are so much more practical. & they wont die.
It pains me to see flowers wither. & they're with roots.

Took the bus to Jurong East. Bus journey was a hearty affair! cam-whoring sessions!
hearts the foto of Estee & me! Super candid i likeee!! Exchanging romantic zo-cards every outing/meeting has become some sort of our dime! sweet!

Dinner at IMM Bagus! So love their baked rice! ;d & a pic is of an early moon in the evening sky! Lovely!

We waited really long for the shuttle bus to IMM. Better off walking there.

[spots the shuttle bus at the opposite road]
[bus went out of sight]
"Where's that lousy bus going?? Isnt it going to U-turn?? Why is it not U-turning??"
"Stupid bus...let's just walk..."

♥♥♥

25th September 'o7 - Tuesday

That's the inside of Jason's really awesome vintage car! So damn cool! It's a vintage car, & the inards are totally different from those usual, everyday-seen, cliche cars. You wont believe how fast this little thing can go! He's changing to a new "wife" on Oct 18! It was damn hilarious the way he fussed over this current vintage car when he spotted a mark/scratch on the side door.

He drives damn fast. Either that, or i'm too used to 30-40km/hr cos instructor's limiting my speed, since i've shown tendency to speed.

& i almost died! b/c we almost crashed into the car in front. Lol! He got quite agitated while we were discussing about Uni first yr...

"it's really good that u're studying now..it's a good start!"
"some of my friends dont really seem to understand why i'm mugging so much though...like they said stuff like first year can slack...no need to mug so hard..."
"What kinda friends are they???!! seriously these are 损友 i tell u..they'll eat their own deserts at the end of it when they see their lousy cap score!" [getting agitated]
"just feel quite disappointed in a way i guess...like they are my friends & just hope they'll understand that it's very important for me to study very hard!"
[still agitated] "I hate this kinda ppl!" [vulgars + rantings]
[almost crash into the car in front. heavy brake]
"no need to feel scare...there's brake hahaa"

Right, i cant really re-call what he said, but something along that. & despite his furious driving, it's actually quite thrilling in a way that it's exciting. i've always love speeding, but not where there're so many vehicles & predestrians around.

Anyway, we met up at National Library first, but it was lousy, thus we seek refudge back to Central Library in school. The library's less crowded during the holidays & weekends (according to him) & at night too.

The day was supposed to be the Mid-Autumn Festival. Saw kids running around with sparklers & lanterns at the playground. Pretty sight! hearts traditional lantern!

♥♥♥

26th September 'o7 - Wednesday

Woke up bright & early! Yoga, breakfast, library.

mug mug mug

BoonTat joined the mugging session in the afternoon. Unlike him, i'll never ever wake up early to jog/swim.

To mug, definitely.
To meet my dear + lovelies + pretties, needless to say.
To queue for JayChow's concert ticket, i'll queue throughout the night! hahahaa!

& this relates to the positive reinforcement learned in psychology.

A big part of the day was spent on SGP society project - summarising the readings for Jason so that he wont need to digest so much stuff. I know my progress's really slow. I'm really trying to make it up.

So miss the days spent in jj, frequenting JE library, spending long hours chilling in the library, looking up funny funny stuffs in the books... the neoprint shop, the arcade...
& you know those machines whereby you slot in 1$ or 2$, & a toy comes out?

[he sneaked up on me from behind]"what're u doing?"
[jumped]"dont do that!"
"lol..which one you like?"
"doesnt matter la..."
"so big le still play with toys?? hahaa how much more you need?
"i only have 1$...this is 2$.. never mind, let's go.."
"wait...i got 1$.."[slots coin into machine]
[stares]
"you owe me 1$"
"Lol okay..."[slots in another dollar]
[toy comes out]
"is this the one you want?"
"yeaa..thanks!"
"welcomes..it's not everyday you'll have 1$ coins for this kinda machine..."
"fate?"
"can put it that way..."
"if it's in your hands...but it wont mean as much then..."

There's nothing much to say between us. Just understand with the heart.

& this incident at the library never fails to bring laughter. Remember how the small kid's friend mistook xx as his father? I'll never forget the look xx gave, that frightened the kids away. We sure got a hell loads of scolding from the mother after that.

Right. I'm wasting time here reminiscencing about the past. It seems so long ago...doesnt it?

6 months?

...i've lost count.

♥♥♥

Semester 1 Mid-term exams

2007-09-22T14:50:00.000-07:00

In a week's time, mid-term exams just around the corner. A great advice, never take Psychology + Economics + SouthAsian + SingaporeSociety + English. Interesting enough by themselves, but nonetheless, a killer. Out of this 5 modules, exams for 4, projects for 4, & mid-term paper for 3.

Will be back after my exams! Mugging commences.

VIP - Leann :)

2007-09-14T23:22:00.000-07:00

Happy occasions call for a spoonful of sunshine - flower of happiness!

Today's 'Friday meet-up lunch session' is extra special with rainbow sprinklers all over it!! LeAnn came by to meet up with us! yea yea! we i came up with a naughty idea to smuggle her into the Central Library

For once, i walked through the corridors with them by my side, laughing our heads off in a non-uni like manner, just like the good 'old days back in jj. Good times :)

So heart such chilling session with the girls! though we just talked nonsense & joked around. I felt included. Not saying that i wasnt included before, cos i was in jj. But today i actually felt a spark of my real self shine through as i was updated on the latest news of the girls & just simply hanging out with them. It was like being transported back in time to the familiar setting of jj canteen.

But for a brief moment amidst my happiness and wide grin, as i faced the girls talking
i was reminded of the fun times i had once with my old clique and all that happy & unhappy stuffs that happened back in jj.

It all seems so long ago now. All those fights & disagreements seemed so childish & minor now. But we still fell apart.

From time to time, i weigh the pros and cons of mixing with the new classmates or distancing myself
and i admit that its always better to have support.
otherwise, it'll just be like me against the big bad NUS life. all on my lonesome.

Establishing new ties via project work - with June, XinHui, Pam, Jason & Eleanor. They're nice. XinHui reminds me of WaiYing. & we do share something in common. Jason's a senior, & he's really nice, showing me around campus, advices etc.

But i'm afraid of the negative externalities that comes along with friendship.
so afraid this year will come to nought. afraid to trust too much.

What i have now, are more than enough. Contented. I miss you girls already! I need to step out of jj's shadow. It's high school now, not junior college. I guess it's natural to miss it afterall it's the best time of my life.

♥♥♥

Before fasting - Pizza Hut + Donut Factory

2007-09-13T15:43:00.000-07:00

At long last! After much frustration at this lousy connection, finally managed to log on to the net! Currently in school, 7 hours of break, 1 & 1/2 of it gone, while attempting to revive the network.

A promised, here it is.

Starting with happy stuff, met up with my lovelies again the other day. Yesterday. Bought donuts from DonutFactory since i was there, & it was still early, & the queue wasnt long. Zaid was there too! Hahaa! Crazy-donut-loving-people like us are just...damn crazy!

"wah..so early queue for donuts!"
"strawberry white sounds nice!"
"heart or round?"

Rushed to meet dear with her surprise donut (strawberry heart) & slacked. So unproductive uh? Hahaa! This is what happens when two sleepyheads come together. E.g: take bus, sleep, overshot. Lol! That incident was hilarious! XD

Met up with my lovelies in the evening for dinner at PizzaHut! Before Sharm & Lala start their fasting season. The pasta's really goot! But i guess it always depends on the outlet too.

The girls were excited about the donuts! So cute! Lols! It's really goot! Here are the comments:

according to Esther - "You can sprinkle chilli on it & it taste just as nicee! It's hot!!"

according to Sharm - "The donut is very yummy! I heated it up (at home) & it was soo goot! The choc inside was oozing out! Let's have it next time! :)"

according to Milo - "Omg, it smells real nice! See see..."

& there you have it! :)

Ohyesh. Regarding my first presentation the other day, it was bad. As in, it really is. The day didnt went well either.

Managed to find a rather nice place to mug, while spending long hours of break in school. The benches are fine, but occupied most of the time. The library is beautiful, but one tiny noise & people will just look up. This place i found, shelters me from heavy rain, sun & crowd. Except during class intervals when people will just walk in/out. At other times, this place is pretty quiet. & air-conditioned :) & we can eat here! I think.

NTU babes are so damn lucky! They dont have mid-year exams! Alright, maybe some modules here dont too, but 3 out of 5modules, there're mid-exams, & out of 5modules, there's project work & term paper for 4modules! cant wait for the mid-exams to be over, cos mid-papers will be handed in by then too, & projects end by then too. It'll be much easier to focus on finals that way. Okay i'm whiny. offah.

"Let it pass. One day we'll look back & laugh at it, & realise once again how we told ourselves not to be childish, & we did it again."
"What can i say? We never learn."

& I found out why upper teeth/jaws protrube more than lower jaws/teeth. It's because of molars. That explains why teeth stick out. But still doesnt explain why my two front teeths are unusually big. Gah. Chip.

♥♥♥

Visual DNA

2007-09-13T13:13:00.000-07:00

Visual DNA

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Dad's new car

2007-09-09T18:06:00.000-07:00

Dad bought a new car. & i hate it. cos it's not like the one in the foto above. It's really big & i felt really small while sitting in it the day before.

Couldnt shake the feeling off that there's someone sitting behind me (cos it's like...a mpv?) Was sitting in the middle section &; yes, it's very spacious, but boo. It's silver again.

I wanted black. But i lost. The two men in the family are going ga-ga over the new car, which is really expected cos at the end of the day, cars.

It just feels unusally big. I dont like it. I feel empowered in a way. The car in the pic looks way better than this new car.

Old fashion, but beautiful.

***********

din at Holland V's NYDC the other day. yea yea! I know i'm starting to sound like some pig that wakes up at the smell of food, but such a statement doesnt hold true all the time kayy? I LOVE their elephant-cino. BIG BIG JUG of choco-milk with choco-syrup in it! ;d

♥♥♥

Din with WenPing at Bugis Cafe

2007-09-09T17:40:00.000-07:00

Overdued post - Din with WenPing at Bugis Street Cafe

I am so overdue again, when it's over, then i start blogging about it.

Met up with WenPing (ex-tuition student) for dinner on erm...Tues/Wed/Thurs/Fri. Walked around with a cookie in hand (from Mrs Fields!) - sticky chewy chocolate, & people-watched while waiting for her.

She gave me a big treat! (for helping her with her 'O'levels then) Aaapple crumble! Was uber delicious! Especially the crust &amp;amp;amp; crumble! ;) her cheesecake superb too! nice catching session! Din together at Bugis Street Cafe. The food's quite nicee!

It felt like so long ago when we were sitting together at her table, & tutoring her e-maths, bio, phy, chem...& all those sec sch stuff. Time really flies. It has been about 1year & 9months since we last met. She'd grown prettier!! Other than that, still pretty much the same blur + cute her as always.

Still the way we were.

WP: omg! i didnt i'm older than you by 2 years!! hahaha i've always thought i was one year older!

me: not much difference hahahaa

WP: you're 19 this year i'm 21 kay! [LOL]
me: next year my turn hahahaa
WP: next year you'll be 20! you can write 19+..then 19++
me: [LMAO]

♥♥♥

Lets start again

2007-09-07T22:51:00.000-07:00

Here it is, the fresh attempt to blog on a more daily basis, just so to keep in constant updates with my lovelies!

I never knew that maintaining a blog takes so much commitment & effort! Especially now, cos internet's so damn slow, & it takes so long for a single foto to load, & the time taken to edit the nicee fotos we took. Still looking for photoshop, most probably going to get it first thing during my vacation (end of Sem1), but all the time taken just to adjust lighting, & making a simple collage, glow effect & contrasting is already taking sooo loonggg!! Maybe i'm just not gifted in this aspect, or pure lazy. So first, sorry if there're any lack of updates, but i'll try to blog faithfully.

I never knew, when months seems like years, & days like months. It'll be such a huge impact. I didnt know.

Life in NUS is pretty alright. Hectic, yesh. But starting to see quite a few number of familiar faces around school. ShiYing (design & env), WoeiLin (engineering), Yuko (biz), PeiLing, Rachel, Elaine, Esther Khong, this girl from A8, Vithya, HuiShan... it's always nice to see familiar friendly faces.

Tutorials didnt turned out as badly as i thought it would. Heck those stuck-up ass. Some of my modules are actually very interesting.

I feel different. 'Dont Know Why'-Norah Jones. I'd never really liked jazz before this. just started to feel different. Some things have changed.

After much years, i've come to my conclusion on my expectation: 在下雨天时,有一个男人给你漂亮的雨伞是很棒,但还是想要一个在下雨天时,陪我一起淋雨的人... (translation: on a rainy day, will rather have someone to just get drenched with me, than to offer me a pretty umbrella)

Many dont get what i mean, or what's the difference. There is a difference. There is.

天边是否在海角对面...直到十九岁才知道浪费时间...
it took me 19 years to realise how much time i've wasted Looking back at past posts from the old blog, those issues back in jj were so childish. It seemed so long ago. But it was just 2 years back. Not very long...not very long indeed. I wished it was longer. All the time wasted.

♥♥♥

Edwin + sistas at pratashop (31st Aug)

2007-09-01T23:31:00.000-07:00

went for cheese prata again at Niqqi's Cheese Prata shop! (i'm getting so sick of it. gah) & head off to Bugis Village after school. needed a new bag myself, since the white one just gave way the other day, & practically had to hug my heavy bag home.

another catching up session! especially so when all 4 of us are together! hearts!!
even though i've nothing much to update them on

we so need each other! badly.

oohyesh! found out really recently that Edwin's attending NUS FASS too! yea yea! but that'll be 2yrs later, cos he's still serving NS now. lunch together! cant wait to show him around. i'm his senior! for once. he'd been throwing his weight around, just because he's two days older than me.

oh wait. that's me lmao. bossing him around in the past cos i'm two days younger. 孔融让梨! (translation: the younger one giving in to the older one. but in Edwin & my context, i just used it conveniently haa!) i used to say. even though interpreted it entirely the wrong way, he just simply corrected me, & still rather nice to me. it has been years since.

♥♥♥

tribute to teachers day

2007-09-01T22:34:00.000-07:00

1st September,
otherwise known as a commercialised occasion known as Teachers' Day

but nonetheless, a big thank you to Ms Ng, Mr David Lim, Mrs Toh, & Ms Low..

Happy Teachers Day :)

♥♥♥

lets hit restart & pause at our fav part

2007-08-31T09:02:00.000-07:00

lets hit restart & pause at our fav part. ooh! that's my fav part. all of it. from the first 3-mths with my OG24, to our class dinners-outings-bbqs-drama fest, to my ever so zai CCA, to Gradnight Comm (Graddies rock on!), to being an OGL myself with beloved Family 6-OG30-JJ Family, to our vandals the doodles on tables & boards, to goot food, to heavily vandalled Grandstand, to the cat that accompanied us on our late night mugging regimes...all of it. hearts! i'm so glad we met at this short 2years cross-junction. i dont believe in forever, but thanks for the here & now. this. us. here. is enough. i'm blessed enough.

the day itself, 31st Aug 07, felt right. i've deleted most of his smses, & cleared my own sent msg folder. the day just felt right, as i've said. this is my decision. the sun is bright & mighty, but rain still falls. it's that kinda day that started all these, so let it end under the same situational context.

but i digress.

the new phase of my life in NUS (National University of Stairs) is as goot as in JJ.

alrightt fine.
who am i trying to kid?
its starting to suck more & more each day. just can't seem to get back the old bright optimism i used to have back in jj. but anyway, i hate to be bright & cheery, to fake it when i'm obviously stoned.

seeing the entire school population as i cut the crowded corridors & walkways, flights of stairs one after another under the soles of my feet, i feel dread. i feel like the life's sucked out of me. thats what happens to you after a while. you feel hope, you want to start anew, but it crumbles if you lack the determination or if you lack support/guidance/concern/love..

uni makes me feel like i'm not so intelligent afterall. everyone went like, "oh you're so smart to have been able to enter NUS despite coming from shit school like jurong jc! so you're like really good uh?" i tried to smile back politely, but the smile never formed, while the urge to bite back remains. maybe my brilliance is lost in the sea of uncertainty & unfamilair, unfriendly faces. dulled as hope fades. this is 180degree change from jj's smiling faces, which really makes you feel like home. & jj is not a shit school. roars. i'll bite whoever said that next time.

it really doesnt help when people come in bulks. i'm used to being separate with friends. it has been like that since forever. way back from kindergarten to primary to secondary & now jc. you would have thought i've been conditioned judging from the aloof expression i wear.

i seldom smile. only at instances. when i feel like the old me's brought back to life. my eyes shine only when i enjoy myself. & for the most part, it's pretty much dimmed. i have no idea what i'm talking about. still i know i feel like a battered soldier struggling not to give up.. but on the losing end at the same time. i'm so glad school is only a 3-days week. that makes thing much much bearable. with Tues morning & Fri lunchs together with my lovelies, it calms my nerves.

there is never a thing such as the 'betterment' for all. only the 'betterment' for some. thats how the world will always work. never will everyone win. & happiness happens only at the expense of someone else's gloom. not being cynical. just pause & think about it. like diamonds. you're happy. what about those families where part of their family was killed in the midst of it? are they happy? but i still rather be happy at the end. instead of having no where to go. alls competition. that i've come to realise. since a long time back.

when i first got geared up for this challenge, to enter NUS, i wanted very much to tell as many people i could to start working hard. cos all around me, almost everyone i knew was living the life exactly a few months back. thinking that they already "know" their stuff, especially Economics. & been slacking for months. but now i really want to be selfish. is it that bad?

struggling with my modules, & evidences of my lousy time management are revealing themselves. i've decided not to join archery after all. the opportunity cost involved is too great.

i still recall this particular assembly back in jj, when mr leow and mr ng gave us a talk about our A's. there was a few things that got to me. one, the quote : "you are first, a student, then a cca leader." "you are first, a student, then a OGL." "you are first, a student, then a girlfriend/boyfriend." & so on & so forth.

how true.

& second, that got to me was the genuine concern they had for us. was called into mr ng's office, & for one wild moment, i thought it was psycho-tan & my different coloured socks. but no. it was mr leow. he thought i looked forlorn while sitting at the study benches, & got someone to summon me to the office. despite the fact that he wasnt any of my subject teachers, but just my ogl coordinator, he was that concerned. perhaps it was the aftermath of 'AO'-chinese results release that marked the sad look in my eyes that showed. but he misunderstood. my eyes were red because my friend didnt passed, & pushed me away. i'm starting to appreciate alot more than before the efforts my teachers put into me.

but oh how horrible it is to have that much psyco-melodrama.

i have too much to catch up on. too much i've forgotten. too much i never knew. and there are so many who are better. they sound so intelligent. i share the equal status as they do. same footage.

come on self, you can do it..

first week of sch in NUS

2007-08-17T21:41:00.000-07:00

first week of school blues

woke up bright & early! well, early enough for breakfast after the usual prepartions of deciding what to wear, double check school stuffs blah blahs that is...got to Clementi in time to meet Esther & Lala. tried to look as cool, calm & as collected as possible. it was like nothing much changed. i still had JayChow's songs that had accompanied me to school for 3 yrs now!! hearts! did one of my fav things while waiting for them; people watch. hahaa

NUS for me is not as happening as it promised to be. & no, i havent found any eyecandies, cos the standard's pretty...bleah lmao! unlike a certain someone, in a certain other Uni, in a certain English related major, with a certain eye-candy from a certain camp *nudge lmao. the guys arent as good looking as jj made them. & by that, you know what i mean. lol. jj guys standard not that high, but as compared to where i am now, jj's in the lead! they look damn old! okay fine! i'll be at that age soon & look as old lol! & yes laugh, i fell down the stairs 4times in a row today! uber clumsy lol i slipped this morning while rushing to school cos it was raining & the bus came. fell, & started laughing. lmao. most of the time, attend lectures by myself, since i'm taking different courses from Esther & Lala. my only common module with them is English Language, i'm solo for my other 4 modules. Oh&yesh, we were waiting for the internal shuttle bus, & were waiting for fruitless 10mins plus at the wrong bus-stop. it was damn hilarious when we tried to stop the shuttle bus at the wrong bus-stop! super throw face! we realised it was the wrong bus-stop when none of the shuttle buses stopped at the bus-stop! that was so stoopidd!!!! LMAO!

met Vithya who was from the same sec sch as me, just that we were from different classes. i feel marked. most people are still enjoying this rather relaxing week, but i've taken refudge back into my usual table at the library & mugging. i'm loving psychology at the moment. the rest, i'm not so loving them. i have to look up books & print my own notes etc...i'm starting to appreciate how our teachers printed notes for us back in jj hahaa. But the point is still i feel damn cheated! a certain senior told me "South Asian, very easy! sure can pass!". right. after going through the readings, i feel like slapping him upside-down & inside-out lol Economics is fine. i'm most confident in Economics & determined to do well for my first sem.

i love fridays!! my lessons end at a reasonable time & the highlight is not this, but that i get to lunch with my lovelies! first time i been to The Deck today with Esther & Lala. the food's pretty nicee, & affordable, but rather small serving. on the whole, it's still good food + good company! a mini 2 hour catching up session with them <3>

& there's supposed to be this Arts Bash at DXO tomorrow. frankly, i'm really tempted to go, but i'll have to go to great lengths to arrange & plan stuffs, like where to change attire, how to explain why i reek of alocohol & returning home in the early hours of the morning & stuff like that. i figure that if i'm lying about so much stuff, it just means i really shouldnt be doing it. not this time perhaps. but still so tempted though. but i've managed to talk myself out of it.

right, think i've done a pretty good job in colouring up my first week though in reality, it's alot more grey than this. but still, i have happy stuffs to look forward to like next Sat! yea cant wait to meet up with them! there's supposed to be fireworks today, but it completely slipped my mind admist all this pile of work i'm facing. but it's still on tmr, so hopefully i'll remember about it. i heart fireworks! seeing it on TV or fotos is a completely different sensation. but if i go tmr, i'll be duper tempted to enter DXO! booo! missing you NTU lovelies!~ hearts!

& absence really does make the heart grows fonder

P.S: changed the fotos in the grids! (blogskin layout) the first is my doodle at Island Cremery! (cross reference to Saturday, 19 May entry) & the second is JJ orientatn -Kaleidoscope of life! hearts hearts plenty! the third is well, writing lines to psycho self so that i can focus on my thick pile of notes. the fourth is my fav! a train station! train stations are romantic, dont you think? bro disagrees & said that the train station (not MRTs) was dirty & all. but it's still really romantic to me. it's just this strange, unexplainable attraction towards it. it was the plat 9&3/4 that drawn my attention towards Harry Potter. & it's the school-on-trains that really aroused my interest in Toto-chan. it's just so beautiful. the last pic is a new pic! well, action speaks louder than words!

with reference to the above foto grid, my first coffee bear badge! kawaii uh? hahaa it's the self-centered version badge with 'mi mi mi mi mi' all over it. new sch term, new pencil case with new pin & teddy! keeps me happy hahaa see see the moon charm + my rabbit with the harp?? hahaa! nicee?? okay, maybe cant really see the rabbit charm & the harp, but made it myself, so mighty proud!! hahaa but the moon charm was given by my sweetheart!! nicee?? wearing it everyday, 24/7 near my heart. & yups, wore fav shoe to school on my first day!

♥♥♥