& that's what i'm hoping will be the opening of a post someday.
been checking up on the students residences, & there are 3 options.
click here
so looking forward to the application date! 6th Nov :)
& been daydreaming on the bus..what i'll bring to my hostel..what i'll need to get..
- books + all academics related barangs
- clothes
- toiletries
- toys [usagi-chan + stitch + Scruffy + Mr Fazums + others]
- shoes + slippers
- blanket
- alarm clock
- hp charger
will need to get bedspreads, iron, keyboard..
you get the picture
but i know i'll miss, first & foremost, my brother.
& then i'll miss granny..
lmao. making it sound like i'm leaving for good. most probably will return home on Saturdays & back to hostel on Monday.
hopefully they wont change their mind again.
but then again, maybe they wont.
since i'm such a sore-eye, pain in the ass, like a sore thumb sticking out.
can't wait.
it hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time.
♥♥♥
------------------------------------
11:15 PM
me.
who's me?me who?
wanjing..
hur?
melodie..
...
in any case, it's rude to stare
---------------------------------
another arguement.
with dad this time.
i wanted so much to throw tantrum like i did back when i was in kindergarten.
until dad brought out the cane & i ran for my life.
point being, this whole episode ended with me in tears after dad turned in, mum ignoring, brother totally shut away from us (engrossed in his computer). as far as he is concerned, he'll be taking driving, & looking forward to it.
who the hell am i.
a product of blind obedience? i despise that even more now, after learning about Milgram's Experiment. makes one feel like a banana.
not meaning ethically Chinese & westernised.
but rather, in Portugal, to say one is a banana, means that the person has no opinion of his own & just follows the rest/majority. like a bunch of banana, they're all the same. stupid.
it's just like how father fetched me from library at 8pm plus for belated birthday dinner. i didnt asked for that. i didnt asked for anything from them. after last year's incident, i've learned. they bought the cake, & went for dinner. got impatient when the place was crowded. kept checking the time. ate hastily. answered a phone call & said this: oh i'm having dinner now..daughter's birthday no choice la...ya ya i know i know
frankly, i admit i almost cried then. twice. the first was when he was gobbling down dinner & hurried us too, saying that he had to return to work. & the second time..
& this is the third time.
i didnt asked for this.
for a cake which was left uncut for one entire week.
for a dinner like that.
i'm more contended to snuggle up in the library with notes+readings+books.
i'm dreading the next day. i know, i can foresee..
this sense of foreboding.
dad will start ranting all over again & i just know what he'll say
gastric getting really bad now.
tried eating something, but it wont go away.
---------------------------------
day: Tuesday
date: 30th October '07
happy halloween in advance.
the wind is strong. suddenly. & howling.
it's angry. & upset. a direct replica & reflection of the inner state.
& it's rude to stare.
the day was..kept receiving stares.
do these people know that it's rude to stare?
on the bus, in library, on the way to class, at the supermarket..
people should never stare like that.
great discomfort & uneasiness.
it's eating my insides.
i dont even like staring at myself in the mirror.
who can stand such a fugly face?
like what he once said: you're a very sweet girl, just abit 挑食..& not pretty enough..not saying you're not pretty..just not pretty enough..
so in short, unpretty.
received my SouthAsia mid-term exam paper, & really really surprisingly, i passed!
it's 25% of total. need to continue working hard.
i wanted so much to tell them that i did well for my psychology & southasian studies. that i passed my econs & language module too. so that they'll be proud of me.
but now, i realise that they'll never be mighty proud of me.
the only moment they're proud, is when i ended in NUS (ended, not chose) but disappointment again after 4 months when i declared that i chose Psychology as my major. mum asked if it's possible to change major. i told her no. her face fell. so did my heart. i know now that unless i do whatever they want me to do, they'll never be proud of me.
to be a dutiful daughter, who dresses appropriately, well-mannered, neat & nicely-cut hairstyle, in Economics major in NUS, to be able to juggle housework + driving + school & ace in all of them. to not dwell on music & useless doodlings/drawings/shoe-designing. everything i like/choose is not to their liking.
friction.
i used to thought they were joking when they said that i was from the dump.
but then again, maybe there's a certain amount of truth to it.
or maybe like mum suggested, she carried the wrong 'LeeWanJing' back from the hospital.
i guess i'm not exactly made for conventional daughter roles.
& will have to struggle with this knowledge.
---------------------------------
RE-EDITED PART
date: 31st Oct '07
day: Wednesday
time: 0947
as expected, it went again.
to sum up the whole hysterical discussion, father & daughter got really heated up & voices were raised. for father. daughter no longer has the strength to raise her voice. & neighbours woke up. Milo woke up as i left. mum kept quiet throughout, but suggested to me that i should take a cab to the station instead of walking. it was raining.
& i dont give a damn. just walk. i need that cab-fare for something else.
i need that money for my keyboard.
for my future apartment.
morning was freezing.
but felt something hot against cheeks..
the sky looks as if it cried
it's as if i'm part of it.ironically, in grey today.
coincidentally, both in grey today.
sense something. things will be awful for the days to come.
& having said that, this will probably shape my perception & attitude towards everything else.
so let's be more specific.
things will be awful for the days to come, at homein the house.
at least school seems like some form of solace now.
------------------------------------
11:36 PM
must have eaten too much over the past few days & now gastric problems are starting to surface.
resulting in sudden loss of appetite..? perhaps. coupled with sore throat. the girl sharing the table stared when i brought out 2 bottles of water out from bag. JiaJia used to do that. as in, bringing extra bottles of water.
had a quarrel with her yesterday. sort of.
raised voices considered?
over petty stuff.
her daughter told her she was going to major in Psychology, & not Economics. or rather, not what the mother had intended for her daughter to major in. why do you think she's stuck in NUS? going for NTU would have meant Psychology set, but going for NUS gives out this false hope & illusion that her daughter may change her mind & take Economics instead. she was wrong. her daughter is stubborn. really stubborn in this context, & firm in her decision for once. anyway, the quarrel ended up with tears & about heartbreak. both ways. the episode when the mother mercilessly sold the piano, turning a deaf ear on her daughter's pleas & tears. the mother's heartbreak that her daughter is taking up useless courses - first, daughter contemplated taking up music in poly, or Arts in jc then, & now psychology in NTU, or YST music school if NUS. these werent what the mother had in mind for her daughter.
there you go, typed it without being emotional. everything ended with me retorting back that she herself should take econs then.
anyway, my mind is set. despite people telling me that there are statistics & maths stuff, & it has been so very very long since i
but then again, who said it'll be easy?
everything & anything will always start off rough, in a way or another.
just have to work hard & overcome them.
that's the spirit.
the jj spirit - self-discipline + self-motivated.
Chairman
haa kinda miss psycho Tan & LeeFock & him interrogating/scolding/detaining me for different coloured socks & vandalising the study benches.
i've learned to respect other's properties.
how can i not learn after spending the entire morning in his office then?
really not feeling very well.
losing voice.
------------------------------------
12:21 AM
as i read on, felt more & more disgusted & repulsive.
whatever i read, mirrors certain themes in some of my utopian books.
1. Space & Place - the past as the fiction of the present
there is a distinct difference between public & private image, very different images.
"Nostalgia is hence a construction of the past but a condition of the present." - Brenda Yeoh and Lily Khong.
time + memory + authenticity are called into question.
in preserving heritage sites, the history has always been revised, interpreted differently by respective leaders-in-charge, & edited & rewritten to suit the present. some things we see are constructed. when did our shophouses in Chinatown has such nice tiles & door frames, or even glass? dad loves to tell Milo & me about his childhood, seeing that he frequent Chinatown the most then.
"used to play with all the other kids at the back alley, then there are barbers there too, & played with marbles, chatek(?) etc...but now everything is so different already..." - dad.
yesh. there were no air-condtion units in the back alley then. artificail VS authenticity. if everything is constructed, then what is the truth? if everything is invented, then what is true? Is Chinatown/Kampong Glam/Little India today, really what it was then? truth is less important than attractiveness. our heritage sites serve many functions, one being tourist attractions with all the cooked-up dramaturgy. it seems like we're forming a utopia, filtering the undesirable & retain only those desirable in economic, cultural & social sense. what are they? pseudo-heritage.
this likens to 'England, England' by Julian Barnes, doesnt it? from the title, 'England, England', it's like e.g. Malaysia, KL. drawing inferences, constructing a second England, within England itself. extracting all the attractions in England, & putting them altogether in one place, so that it's convenient for tourists. imagine Sentosa, Zoological Garden, Bird Park & all our cultural heritage sites in one place. but it doesnt stop here. in the book, e.g Robin Hood, the character, was seen as an icon of England, & thus this character lives in the constructed England. however, they ignored the fact that Robin Hood is a criminal, & only extract the desirable qualities of Robin Hood as sympathetic, helping the poor etc. dramatise the character. this utopia, for one moment, may seem feasible. but what will happen to the original England? it'll collapse. & it did.
the book went on about identity crisis & elusive nature of memory.
had been dead helpful with my psy & sgp term paper.
2. Gender - female VS male, patriarchy system
after going through the readings, there are parallels to this other novel, 'The Handmaid's Tale' by Margaret Atwoods. disgusting, disturbing & sad. one of the themes: patriarchy state + polygyny. (if i remember correctly, it's something like that)
fyi, polygyny means a man with many wives.
this novel is really sad because the role of women is really downplayed. there are these generals/lieutenants, with a wife, plus a Handmaid. setting in post-Gilead, nuclear wat ended, but with all the radioactive substance + declining birth rate, thus pushed for polygyny. but they carried it out in the name of religion. so anyway, these Handmaids were given 3 chances to give birth, or else...
like all other utopian fictions, there is a protagonist who will try to break out of the system & so on. in this book, the protagonist (female) gave in, being too tired & crushed to carry on. wombs=national resource, as insisted by the state, using language that dehumanizes women & reduces them to mere baby-making machine.
"I used to think of my body as an instrument, of pleasure, or a means of transportation, or an implement for the accomplishment of my will... Now the flesh arranges itself differently. I'm a cloud, congealed around a central object, the shape of a pear, which is hard and more real than I am and glows red within its translucent wrapping." - Chapter 13.
the novel continues, reflecting increasing instances of the state being patriarchal, like how the women are no longer addressed by their names, but by the generals/lieutenants' names, e.g Offred -> Of Fred. belonging. loss of identity. they are, labelled.
this is really friggin disgusting.
3. The Milgram Study + Religion
i've dawned upon the importance & relevance of religion.
refer to video below which is on Milgram's Experiment
blind obedience.
there's another study, the Prison Study.
here's the link to Milgram Study in case the video gets cranky, & here's the link to Prison Study.
& that costume functioning as a label, illusion becomes reality. personal identity erased, & boundaries erased as they took on labelled roles. likens to the issue on identity. it's like labelling Black VS White, Male VS Female etc.
there's this other experiment that my tutor told us about.
the experimenter phoned this restaurant manager, & claiming self to be a police. thereafter saying something like that: I believe that one of your employees, Ms _____, has stolen money from the cashier, & ask to seek your cooperation in carrying out investigation...
& the manager indeed searched his employee to a really unethical extent; she was stripped. there.
are humans mindless? & to what extent are people capable of evil?
suggested by researchers, without religion, meaning no karma/afterlive etc, people are more prone to carry out evil deeds. so, i guess religion does help to keep people in check & regulate behaviors. this other experiment goes something like this: a person was covered in a long hood (identity not known) & the participant was sort of hypnotised into believing that he doesnt have any religion, there are no rules/regulations/laws/punishment/karma/afterlive/heaven/hell or anything of that sort. & was told that he could do anything he likes with the person who was blinded to the situation, completely helpless. - person was treated with violence. act of violence that usually will not be carried out by the participant.
4. Media + language
media, used to enhance imaginary product differentiation, aiming to influence consumers tastes & preferences & to persuade them to buy their goods. it influences people's perceptions of themselves, their society & the world.
a very interesting point to note about media:
literate societies are governed by written laws & by the principles & statements of a constitution, while oral societies (illiterate societies) are governed by knowledge preserved by certain speakers, predominantly the elites. writings are invented to represent speech. & language is an expression of meaning. remember this. it functions as a tool of communication, right, but what are you communicating? meanings. anyway, from this point, the media acts as a democratizing agent by breaking down the monopoly on information & knowledge previously held by elites & politically connected, because one doesnt have to be literate to understand the contents/messages transmitted by telly.
presentation was something like this, but zoomed in on rural aspects. this is much more easier to understand than political systems.
5. Power
when people talk about money, they are really talking about authority relations inside the households. & how these authority relations are controlled & by whom. but then again..it's still pretty subjective. gender-based/class based/ability based?
hmm..individualism VS collectivism -
okayy. too exhuasted to carry on. trying to keep my eyes wide open.
losing..
gahh.
stop hate.
"universal love is the only path towards peace!" - Battle of the Wits
Stop Hate.
------------------------------------
2:29 AM
day: 25th Oct '07
that naughy girl skipped lecture.
-------------------------------------
there's a time for everything.
笑有时,哭有时,怒有时...
so, friday was a pretty good day :)
memory trip back to BukitBatok.
alighted a stop earlier & walked, taking in everything.
it's still pretty much the way i remembered it.
but TianLong's old block given a new coat of paint.
it's no longer all pinky! hahaa!
he sounded so embarrassed over the phone the other time..
flashback:
it's block 111...
where?? what colour is the building??
erm...pink...
pink?? hahahahaa!
ya..gay-ish building..
i think it got a new coat of paint after he moved.
& Westmall's 9th Anniversary.
& the patriotic neighbour still has the red&white flag there.
the swimming pool still looks as serene & beautiful.
& the long corridor he once sent me back along.
& the 24hours MacDonald! comfort food station ;d
couldnt resist stopping for hotfudge sundae.
what can i say?
i'm conditioned? habitual?
had to wait for about 3 hours for the photocopying work to be done.
buried self in Mutts-Patrick McDonnell.
entertaining, but there was only one such cartoon strip.
no Garfield, nor Calvin & Hobbes.
catching up session with TeeYien at StarBucks.
for like..till 2300++?? LOL
met up at Taka first. that boy wanted to get something for a girl whom happened to have the same horoscope & birthdate as me, & he assumed that i'll know what he should get for her.
was waiting by the fountain outside Taka & did one of my fav things - people watched. he was late again.
the night was beautiful, with street musicians & moon.
it reminds me of cookie.
couldnt find what we wanted at Taka, & went to Raffles City instead.
Starbucks cheesecake was nicee! superb! ;d
his tiramisu was..okayy. never had it before but it tasted so weird. all cream.
coffee freak! it smells nice at times, but really still prefer fruit juices.
+ chocolate freak! :)
& yes! i want donuts please!!
it's really nice to just sit down & catch up
it has been so long since i'd converse in chinese throughout the whole convo & school/army wasnt even mentioned.
non-sch related.
& i realised that despite knowing this guy for many many years, since K1, this guy doesnt know anything about me. but found out more things about him. nice things.14 15 years since! that's really longg.
same kindergarten, pri sch, jc..
but guess it doesnt really matter right?
we're still in contact & all..
15yrs..i hate people like him.
they make me feel old. hahahaa!!
but cheers to the many many years to come still.
♥♥♥
---------------------------
went to Lau Pasar at Raffles Place area for dinner.
craving for Jap food! & bought chicken bento set! ;d
i likeee!! hearts Jap food! but they didnt had Katsu Don :(
& the school Jap stall is like super popular! just look at the super long long queue!
one can only look longingly at the stall while queueing for some other food.
bfft.
hearts school food! & miss jj canteen food! it's goot! hahaa
we're contemplating a way to sneak back in & back to the Malay store! :q
& ice-cream please! & Kobahyashi!!
♥♥♥
------------------------------------
11:55 PM
they had another fight.
in front of me.
dad picked me up from school.
i detest that.
people wow-ed.
i thought we were supposed to go for dinner together.
but dad was in the vicinity, that's why.
so simple.
& dad wanted to go back to work.
didnt felt like having dinner & walked back home in the end.
do they have any idea how horrid they sound when they're quarreling?
the cake? cut it, ate it, by myself.
they're hardly at home, we hardly talk.
back in primary one, i'd so looked forward to daddy fetching me home, & sat in the front seat, & started talking about the boy who bullied me, the new difficult word we learnt to spell.
today, 19yrs & a week old, the same girl sat right at the back of the car.
silence.
it's like strangers living under the same roof.
hardly met, hardly talked, or even exchanged glances.
sometimes, i know dad stayed overnight at his office & didnt return at all. no matter how late i turn in, 2am or 3am, he's still not back.
not that we have anything to talk about..but..
the next morning, i'll leave the
our routines are pretty much similar, but somehow we just missed each other.
today, Thursday, 25th October 2007.
school sucks more & more each day. & yet i love how school's so big & no one gives a shit nor damn. search for comfort food & therapeutic walks on rooftops fringed in blooms. inhaling the air, thinking to myself, this is where...dark corners basked in illuminating sunshine, emo backdrops to smoke & slit wrists.though not doing any of them. just maybe, checking my timetable from time to time, checking in my head: "that's done, that's done too..."
& yet still feeling highly insecure. are these enough? am i really pushing myself towards the limits? or is that edge imaginary? what if i take another step forward..will i fall all the way down to nothingness? ..or a step further ahead? it's like walking into the sea. one wrong step, that's it, the end, you'll slip & drown in salty tears.
had two tutorials today: EL1101 & SGP society.
a fierce internal battle to fight back those tears was going on, hopefully unnoticed.
EL was as usual, disheartening. i couldnt understand a single friggin thing they were talking about. & i said something stupid during SGP tutorial. gahh. can you just shut up, wanjing? you asked stupid qns, said stupid things, did stupid stuff.. just stupid stupid stupid. & shut up. please, just do everyone & yourself a BIG BIG favour & shut up already.
guess what the topic for the tutorial was about.
yesh. gender, youth & FAMILY.
i thought it was supposed to be on space&place. but it wasnt. point being that the more you attempt to escape/avoid something, the more you'll find it cornering you with nowhere else to run. surrender. at the end of tutorials, bad headache. it's either i'm confused, or that i think too much. some remarks that were made, i found it really offensive. i wanted so much to stand up & overturn the table & stomp out of that place. one very important thing was mentioned by my psychology lecturer, which had been my stand for years, is not to label people. it'll shape them into something else. really.
the moment i reached home, went to scavenge old foto albums on childhood days. those outings with mum & dad. dated: public holidays & weekends. progressively, dated: public holidays. & subsequently, dated: NA
without these fotos, i'll never know they spent time with me at all.
but then again, all i can remember from my childhood is the two damn years i spent at some horrid childcare centre, being force-fed veggies & red/green bean soup, & a horrid woman who always pulled my ears & cheeks.
& on my 4th birthday, i had this mickey mouse birthday cake. something like the one QiYuan (my kid at GraceField) had for his 4th birthday. but his parents were there with him throughout the birthday celebration, & even took him out to play after that.
i was looking for my parents after birthday song was sung. they had left. for work.
i love my granny.
she knows my food preferences, used to plait my hair into 2pony tails, waited for my school bus when dad had to work, & didnt had the time to ferry me to & fro anymore, accompanied me to the washroom or for a glass of water in the middle of the night..she's my sweet old lady.
but things changed when Milo was borned.
mum used to say: we found you in the rubbish dump.
& dad added: at TiongBahru market there.
i thought then: at least someone wants me.
i cant go on anymore..
-------------------
went off in search of comfort food
cookie + orange strawberry lemonade.
suddenly, this doesnt work anymore.
perhaps i should try other comfort food, i thought.
& came across the fruit stall & bought an apple.
& i like it. its taste is just like...now.
sour, yet slight tinge of sweetness.
-------------------
it sneaks up upon you, & strike when you least expected it.
tutorials are ending soon.
hurray & booo.
i am so looking forward to the end of SouthAsian tutorial (that's definite)
i would have love to say the same for EL1101 tutorial, but it'll be lonely without Eleanor, XinHui, Pamela & June.
same for SGP tutorial, i've grown so accustomed to having Jason there, like an elder brother guiding me.
there had hardly been any economics tutorial, so the module is pretty slack in a way.
& i know i cant bear psychology tutorial.
i have nice tutors like YuHui & Robin, & really good lecturers for psychology, SGP society, economics & EL1101.
my first lousy school term is coming to an end.
sour cream & onions.
------------------------------------
11:15 PM
was at Central Library.
the point is, there was a notice about the fire drill being scheduled on one of the days from 22nd Oct to 27th Oct.
& it just had to be today.
lectures/tutorials/meetings were disrupted, people streaming down the stairs, some dumb dumbs waiting by the lift, & yes, i was one of them.
i mean, hey, we all know this is fake, & i'm at the 5th floor, & i'm not about to go down by foot.
but the security guard still chased us off towards the winding staircase.
lasted for about 30mins?
orange strawberry lemonade is uber invigorating! :)
-------------------
received a couple of birthday presents recently, & well, looking at the foto collage made for me, with fotos way back from JC1 to not too long ago (Aug), it made me feel like i've toned down quite alot.
this is not self-praise.
i repeat, this is not self-praise.
i'm not even sure if 'toning down' is supposed to be good or bad in my context.
but the gifts were pretty! :)
thank you so much! it's really really sweet!
post JJ days: Jan, July, Aug. (Jan to June-butch cut fotos missing)okayy. i so prefer JJ days! esp in sch uniform! :) hearts!
so damn carefree then.
& personally, the last foto doesnt seem right.
after all, it's a reflection.
a reflection of whom i'm not.
-gah. bimbo blog not.
-------------------
EL1101 test (CA2) was a killer.
i am so dead.
i'm praying like mad now & hoping that my first CA was alright & will pull up CA2 marks.
i've like got no idea what the hell i was writing.
& estee complained that i was fast.
no i wasnt dear.
i just skipped every single freaking question till i could skip no more.
got back EL1101 project's results.
we passed. 19/30
my group members were quite disappointed, cos they expected something better.
i'm really afraid i'd let them down.
& i'm starting to feel the pressure of working in a group.
it's like..i think my tutor will return it to us, & we'll know which part went wrong.
afriad my part was irrelevant & brought them down.
& another thing, is my SGP project.
i know it's silly to be worrying over it, especially when we had just handed it in.
but, if it's not me, it's him.
if it's not him, then of cos it's me.
cant you see this is why i rather work on it by myself instead of in a group?
at least if i did badly, only my grades are affected.
& it wont affect others.
& i'll only have to answer to myself.
now, suddenly i have to answer to so many people.
♥♥♥
------------------------------------
8:31 PM
& i'm like the North Pole of a magnet bar too.
so there's no way for both of us to be close together.
there's a force that will always push us apart..
& this force is called the obstacle.
-------------------
that was what was said then.
but now, he'd added a part 2.
a sequel..
a rebuttal to whatever bullshit she said:
however, if you put a metal bar in between, both magnets will stick to it..
& will be close to each other.
that metal bar dissolves the force that pushes us both away.
& that metal bar is what we called love..
-------------------
was it supposed to sound romantic?
she really really really hate & avoid going to jurong east/clementi area..unless she really really really cant help it
too many things that happened, making it hard to forget.
just when she thought she did it.
someone help plant some false memories in her.
tell her she didnt ran into him on the bus
tell her he didnt text suddenly & incessantly
tell her he's with some other girl now, happily ever after
tell her he wasnt at the basketball court near her house waiting
tell her to get over it already
well,
& she was about to blog about life being unnaturally peaceful & calm like the river.
& how she despises that
to whine about things being monotonous
to tell her girls how much she misses the days at the Grandstand after school & getting all dirty at the ODAC corner & basketball/netball court etc
to compare how much she enjoyed the thrills & dramas that occur every so frequent than all these now
to reminisce all the fun & joy & food & laughter & tears & sweat & ice-cream..
things sure were beautiful back then.
life sure is lonely & sad without her girls
shall she transfer to NTU to be with all of them again?
tell her something true when all she's known are lies.
tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses, not black.
all these things are true..
but then again, all that was before.
right now, she rather stay where she is now.
sure, she misses the dramas & all, but suddenly, she doesnt again.
it gets draining after awhile, doesnt it?
tell her something positive.
more herself.
tell her -
"This is it girl..it's going to be gone soon."
"i know.. what do we do?"
"enjoy it."
i will enjoy it; consume me emotion.
keep your distance, watch me. please.
that's more like it.
------------------------------------
10:06 PM
again :)
nothing beats spending a beautiful Sunday afternoon, tidying up room with tingling scent of passionfruit!
yeaa..the fruit doesnt look pretty, but it has the loveliest fragrance!
notes + files + tutorials + barangs were all in a mess.
messy messy...
its like wenting's hall's pile of rubbish
it heaps up and she never bothers to clear it.
wenting'll get mad at this point cos, well, she'd rather not have ants as roomies.
anyway, yupp.
i guess things have become so bad i have to clear it up..
and out the head.
& i've got ZO cards up on my bookshelf!
-------------------gave the birthday -waiying+madeline+me- chalet a miss.
but anyway, happy birthday! :)
met up with junior & Lydia yesterday at je library.
helped them with Econs.
really chiong-ed mircoeconomics.
we felt great!
"why didnt u look me up earlier? i was like so damn bored before my school started.."
"i had no idea you took econs at first..till the econs teachers showed us names of ex-students from your batch who did really well for 'A' levels even though not so fantastic at the beginning"
"they still do that??"
suddenly, it struck me how long i've left jj..
i remembered someone (cant recall who) who made this remark while we were looking at the names off the screen..
we thought they made up those names.
probably not.
"you really mug all day in school???" - Lydia asked 7 times yesterday.
why not?
indifference.
it sounds no life, no fun & glamour like what most people presumed it'll be.
hmm, not really.
after all, it's still school.
"you look so different now!"
"cos of contacts?"
"hmm..partially..but ur face looks different.."
what's so different? i didnt ask further.
what if.
-------------------
be-lated birthday dinner with fam
& cake! - cookies&cream ;d
but still uncut, cos mum & dad had to rush back to work after dinner last night.
thanks for all the gifts :)
pretty retro shades+pencil case+diary+shoes+passionfruit stuff from BodyShop etc...
use BodyShop! it's against animal testing, protect our planet, defend human rights, activate self-esteem and support community trade.
read more here.
♥♥♥
------------------------------------
9:55 PM
EL project last thursday, & SGP project today.
cant help feeling a sense of uneasiness at the end of it
been questioning myself alot on whether i've put in my 100% & more.
felt really guilty when my EL group members, Ele, XinHui, June & Pam, stayed up together with me to cut down on our word limits (1000words, but my analysis & conclusion part was like 800+) till almost 3am for consecutive nights.
& something tells me that Jason didnt slept last night too, & was up doing the essay.
perhaps just a couple of hours of sleep, but he looked really really tired.
he skipped lessons today b/c of this.
the least i could do was to copy down notes during SGP lecture & to pass it to him the next tutorial.
after so many weeks together with my projects mates, it all ended.
just like that.
it came too fast, too soon, crept up on me slyly
kinda strange the other day. just sitting there..in silent.
we had concluded everything during the last project meeting & all of a sudden, there was nothing to talk about.
but just sat there & shared with them the donuts i bought for them from DonutFactory.
felt kinda strange after bidding them goodbye..
new book: I Believe You by Low Kay Hwa
a very sad & touching story.
a good read.
& Sing to the Dawn by Ho Min Fong
cried real hard while reading these two books.
but i should stop for now & focus first
there are many more books that will love to get though!
1. Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackeray
2. Bleak House by Charles Dickens
3. The Lost Girl by D.H Lawrence
4. Women in Love by D.H Lawrence
5. Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
6. A Child called 'it' by Dave Pelzer
7. White on black. An Orphan's Story by Rubben Gallego
8. Ugly by Constance Briscoe
9. Shame byJasvinder Sanghera
10. Invisible by Jonathan Buckley
11. Mrs Kimble by Jennifer Haigh
12. The Odd Women by George Gissing
13. Animal Farm by George Orwell
14. ...
some of these, i've read before, but will just love to get hold of them to add to my collection.
after exams! :)
ohyesh, this book, England, England by Julian Barnes is really good.
Utopian genre, helped me with Psychology & SGP society term papers :)
it's a good read really.
talks about the elusive nature of memory, & how the past is used to make sense of the present (past as the fiction of the present) & highlights the juxtaposition such as the idea of authenticity VS constructions, & the invention of traditions.
oxymoronic.
traditions should have existed for a long time rightt?
funny how most of the utopian genre i've read, kinda relates to this society.
Reference to '1984' & 'Animal Farm' by George Orwell, 'The Handmaid's Tale' by Margaret Atwood, 'Brave New World' by Aldous Huxley.. & many others ...
lastly, on racial prejudice, this is what i found.
interesting take.
-------------------
digression...
foto above reminds me of my little thinkers.
so very very miss them! :(
the little girl drinking from her cup reminds me of Natalie
girl next to her, Clara
& girl eating cake...Dalon! little boy who refuses to sleep unless hug him till he falls asleep.
working at Gracefield was great.
get to nap with my toddlers (sort of. had to cuddle them to sleep), feed & clean them, play & watch TV (tom&jerry, mrbean, bugs bunny etc), dance & sing, lots of birthday cakes, piano, playground ...
i remember attending a MacDonald birthday party when i was in primary school..
& no there was no Ronald MacDonald nor ... the purple thing..hahaa!
used to go MacDonald for their happymeals (toys) & balloons - said Dad.
hardly ate anything there, except to play with toys & balloons.
that explains alot
&yesh! it's rabbit's 9th birthday! (same day as me, since it's my bday present erm..when i was in Pri 4)
they
nonsense! it looks nothing like me laa! bfft!
oofah.
this is way more adorable then me can! lol
& on a concluding note, a powerful image which i just came across
how many of us have courage like this?
used to thought that parading down the roads reflect a genuine concern over the subject matter, & was keen on going down the road during the holidays, yelling "STOP EATING SHARK FIN! STOP STERILISING CATS! STOP ABANDONING YOUR PETS! BLOOD DIAMONDS! WE WANT CHEWING GUM! STOP STEREOTYPING GAYS & LESBIANS! I WANT COOKIEE!!!"
but apparently, it's against the law of..a capitalist state?
"dont waste your time...time is money..do work if you're so bored.."-said mum.
no i wasnt bored.
how many times in your life will you get to have such a long break like that?
rot it away :)
worm.
♥♥♥
------------------------------------
10:09 PM
the day went reasonably well (:
& initially, she thought of skipping lessons for the day.
b/c it was seriously dumb.
Econs tutorial at 8am, 1 hour EL tutorial...
& a whole solid 7 hours break before SouthAsia lecture.
she was super tempted to skip the lecture cos someone asked her out
but while contemplating whether to do so, aloud over the phone, he encouraged her to go for lecture instead. & maybe just dinner after her lecture.
that double-faced person! XD
so yupp, unusually good girl who stayed in school & mugged again.
bfft.
but then again, she decided not to go for dinner in the end.
couldnt stand the thought that her project partner was still struggling with the project & half-sick, while she goes out & playy, & enjoys herself.
Good things must share, & even more so for bad things.
-------------------
on 17th October
2340
[mum returns from work]
girl?
hmm?
oh..eat already?
hmm..sort of la..where daddy?
he went back to work...
bro?
he's not back yet??
at 2356
[milo returns home]
hello everybody! wah...going to 12 already hor...
ohyah!
huh?!? u forgot sis's birthday?? hor!!
no la...girl happy birthday!
orh...
happy happy birthday!
from 0000-00xx
happy birthday to uuu happy birthday to uuu~ [sung to different music]
okayy! guess the actual music!
...
at 0042
[dad returns from work]
girl?? happy birthday!
on 18th Oct
at 0600
[hp beeps]
xxx: happy birthday ;)
[stunned]
me: thanks :)
[phone rang]
happy birthday! hahaa u wake up so early? er..got see my msn nick?
thanks! hmm? no...why?
hahaa okayy nvm ;) what time ur sch end?
i gtg le..take care & have fun..& dont so stress..
hur?
u sound stress...or is it b/c i call? hahaa..
no la...just stress..u take care too..byee..
byee...miss u
[hangs up]
[startled]
damn you. can u stop?
if today was 6 months or so before, just hearing your voice would have made my day w/o fail.
why are tears falling?
the sunrise seems different today
it's not as bright
someone once said that time would dry the tears.
it had been months, yet tears kept falling whenever i saw/hear him...
each day is like one more gap that sets me away from you ever since the day you told yourself you didn't love like me & not to wait for you.
when i stop busying myself, it hurts.
but by saying that, its not as if it can change anything.
you're not going to care, to reply, to come back
nor stop the hurt.
but as i let each day pass, it strikes me that one day, the gaps added up together will make me so far away
by then our images will look so small...
that it's easier to just stop squinting & close my eyes.
or let the waves & tide come take it all away.
...
like writing a lovestory on sand
when he's reduced to a string of digits (yes, your number), something happens.
& then the reason why you moved on, that being cos you've waited for too long, starts becoming invalid..
yes, you start thinking to yourself that maybe this isn't the end, not yet. hope.
& then there are the out of the blue "track-stoppers"
that make you compare yet again
& wish for something better.
it makes you wonder, also
why reminders just have to appear when..
-yes, such great timing,-
when your faith's like a scarf, flitting in the wind,
hanging from a tree branch.
you remember, and conclude: this really isn't anything close to what i'm looking for.if only..
time can really play fools of us..
all these melodramatics...
il m'aime. un peu? beaucoup? passionément? a la folie. il m'aime ... pas du tout.
pas du tout.
pas du tout.
pas du tout.
mon cher petit ami imaginaire, savez-vous que les blessures?
oh drop it already
-------------------
the day went on with frequent birthday greetings :)
some of the senders were unexpected.
like him.
you just had to wreck me up in the morning
i had to take in a deep breath before answering/speaking lest u hear it
i saw it.
miss her. "stop there, from now on i'll come to you" - msn nick
confusing signals.
-------------------
Beverly
Milo
Mum & Dad
Sharm
Samantha
TeeYien
Lala
Loriene
WeeEng
Esther
Jocelyn
Sally
Lydia
HongYue
QianLing
Raymond
Zaid
Serene
TeeJun
WenTing
Samantha
WenLi
Tisha
Andrea
Xenia
JianHao
ZhiYao
Jackson
WaiYing
Robin
ChongTat
Jasmine
BoonTat
BaoHui
Jason
i'm sorry if i missed anyone out, & thanks for all the birthday greetings! :)
-------------------
been daydreaming about staying in hostel.
my room.
will be able to keep a keyboard in my room
a mini-fridge for milk & fruits + fruit juices & chocolates
ironing board
maybe a goldfish for company
toys & so on...
what else?
let me move to NTU!
oh wait. xxx will be there after his NS.
fine.
i'll stay in NUS then...
-------------------
had to give WaiYing' chalet a miss.
school ended late.
& Saturday morning, driving.
afternoon, helping friend with econs...
was looking forward to it.
the all night mahjong & bbq
miss the days back in jj when we were celebrating each other's birthday.
how we try to get a cake for birthdays
how ZhiYao bluffed me & returned to find a cake for me & our Chairman Koh was there...
good times :)
-------------------
summing it all up for the day: to write L-O-V-E on her arms
if you get it.
♥♥♥
------------------------------------
11:37 PM
taken in Canberra's annual Floriade :)
those beautiful flowers really do make the picture perfect!
& here's more
taken when Spring started, which means the bitter coldness that she endured for 3 months is over!
"It's a rather pretty sight now with the trees covered with newly blossom flowers and the ducks which bring their lil ducklings out for a walk. I had the fun of chasing those cute ducklings around! haha! Those ducklings were so scared and had to cross the road to escape the evil monster chasing them." - HuiLing
LOL!
i'm glad she's having loads of fun there!
but she had to mug real hard too.
miss her & looking forward to seeing her in FASS :)
hope these pretty fotos cheered you up as much as it did to me :)
------------------------------------
11:54 PM
depth of autumn
a few leaves on the tree
dancing
autumn leaves
the girls talk about
christmas
autumn
from the gnarled trees
fluttering birds
john tiong chunghoo
Hearts the sound of red/yellow/orange leaves crackling under my footsteps.
I've set my mp3 on pause, just to take it all in.
I feel brand new, walking through the depth of fallen leaves, taking my time walking down the hill with a few leaves dancing around.
Don't stop now.
-----------------------
There's this particular RP survey which is about friendship, kinship & love.
It brings back nice memories.
It reminded me of how the funny funny things we did in the past.
It makes tickle in my mouth.
Doesnt it make you happy to see the autumn colours? splashes of red, orange & yellow over green pastures.
I think it's beautiful.
I've grown so accustomed to waking up at 6am every weekday just to watch the sunrise while brushing my teeth. Just to watch the light cast over the scene before me, brightening up the colours of nature.
I wish i was somewhere else. with autumn.
I love the four seasons.
There's always something nice about each if you look hard enough. with your heart.
But i guess with technology & advancement, most of us don't feel anything about the seasons & the small variations between each.
We have our air-condition on during the summer/warmer days, & heaters on during the colder days/winter.
Perhaps there aint much trees around in more developed cities to appreciate the gradual change in colours of the leaves, to watch the squirrels running up & down the trees, to watch the birds fly south in their V-formation.
---------------------
passby jj today.
The forever familiar basketball court + synthetic field + thewallwithpimples + ODACobstacle courses + the track + grandstand & the same old blue building.
The same old good old building.
How we used to complain that the school lacks colour.
He had his reasons. We had ours.
I realised how attached i was more to the 'outdoors-area' of the school.
How we played badminton basketball netball & the titter-totter board every other day.
& the beautiful sunflowers. seeing them smile makes my face brighten up.
All the cryings & laughings at the grandstand, when i still had you by my side. Even though i pushed you away time & again. I'm sorry. & thanks for all the 'let-it-all-out' sessions.
Remember the flying fox? That was hell loads of fun. oofah!
I miss the food. I love almost every stall! The Malay foodstall was the best.
Cafe was seriously over-priced. Lucky us, ice-cream stall is sooo affordable!
I miss CCA days.
How fun was it to end my training session within an hour, & "fighting" to get my turn done & over with, just so i can watch you at training from the grandstand?
Good times! Ever so beautiful.
I miss jj.
&yes, i know i'm always saying this, but that's b/c i really really do...
Suddenly, i keep seeing people in NUS who resemblance friends/people from jj.
theory is: i miss you all too much that i'm having hallucinations.
It's just so sad it's only 2years.
My birthday wish, to get hold of some form of time machine/remote to hit restart button & pause there. Just stay a little longer.
Shit. Crying.
I love you all & miss you all so much.
& no i didnt cry on the bus.
okayy maybe a little.
passed-by your house too.
♥♥♥
------------------------------------
11:25 PM
