another arguement.
with dad this time.
i wanted so much to throw tantrum like i did back when i was in kindergarten.
until dad brought out the cane & i ran for my life.

point being, this whole episode ended with me in tears after dad turned in, mum ignoring, brother totally shut away from us (engrossed in his computer). as far as he is concerned, he'll be taking driving, & looking forward to it.

who the hell am i.
a product of blind obedience? i despise that even more now, after learning about Milgram's Experiment. makes one feel like a banana.
not meaning ethically Chinese & westernised.
but rather, in Portugal, to say one is a banana, means that the person has no opinion of his own & just follows the rest/majority. like a bunch of banana, they're all the same. stupid.

it's just like how father fetched me from library at 8pm plus for belated birthday dinner. i didnt asked for that. i didnt asked for anything from them. after last year's incident, i've learned. they bought the cake, & went for dinner. got impatient when the place was crowded. kept checking the time. ate hastily. answered a phone call & said this: oh i'm having dinner now..daughter's birthday no choice la...ya ya i know i know

frankly, i admit i almost cried then. twice. the first was when he was gobbling down dinner & hurried us too, saying that he had to return to work. & the second time..

& this is the third time.
i didnt asked for this.
for a cake which was left uncut for one entire week.
for a dinner like that.
i'm more contended to snuggle up in the library with notes+readings+books.


i'm dreading the next day. i know, i can foresee..
this sense of foreboding.
dad will start ranting all over again & i just know what he'll say

gastric getting really bad now.
tried eating something, but it wont go away.

---------------------------------

day: Tuesday
date: 30th October '07

happy halloween in advance.
the wind is strong. suddenly. & howling.
it's angry. & upset. a direct replica & reflection of the inner state.

& it's rude to stare.

the day was..kept receiving stares.
do these people know that it's rude to stare?
on the bus, in library, on the way to class, at the supermarket..
people should never stare like that.
great discomfort & uneasiness.
it's eating my insides.
i dont even like staring at myself in the mirror.
who can stand such a fugly face?
like what he once said: you're a very sweet girl, just abit 挑食..& not pretty enough..not saying you're not pretty..just not pretty enough..

so in short, unpretty.


received my SouthAsia mid-term exam paper, & really really surprisingly, i passed!
it's 25% of total. need to continue working hard.

i wanted so much to tell them that i did well for my psychology & southasian studies. that i passed my econs & language module too. so that they'll be proud of me.

but now, i realise that they'll never be mighty proud of me.
the only moment they're proud, is when i ended in NUS (ended, not chose) but disappointment again after 4 months when i declared that i chose Psychology as my major. mum asked if it's possible to change major. i told her no. her face fell. so did my heart. i know now that unless i do whatever they want me to do, they'll never be proud of me.

to be a dutiful daughter, who dresses appropriately, well-mannered, neat & nicely-cut hairstyle, in Economics major in NUS, to be able to juggle housework + driving + school & ace in all of them. to not dwell on music & useless doodlings/drawings/shoe-designing. everything i like/choose is not to their liking.

friction.

i used to thought they were joking when they said that i was from the dump.
but then again, maybe there's a certain amount of truth to it.
or maybe like mum suggested, she carried the wrong 'LeeWanJing' back from the hospital.


i guess i'm not exactly made for conventional daughter roles.
& will have to struggle with this knowledge.