messy.

they had another fight.
in front of me.
dad picked me up from school.
i detest that.
people wow-ed.
i thought we were supposed to go for dinner together.
but dad was in the vicinity, that's why.
so simple.
& dad wanted to go back to work.
didnt felt like having dinner & walked back home in the end.
do they have any idea how horrid they sound when they're quarreling?
the cake? cut it, ate it, by myself.

they're hardly at home, we hardly talk.
back in primary one, i'd so looked forward to daddy fetching me home, & sat in the front seat, & started talking about the boy who bullied me, the new difficult word we learnt to spell.
today, 19yrs & a week old, the same girl sat right at the back of the car.
silence.
it's like strangers living under the same roof.
hardly met, hardly talked, or even exchanged glances.
sometimes, i know dad stayed overnight at his office & didnt return at all. no matter how late i turn in, 2am or 3am, he's still not back.
not that we have anything to talk about..but..
the next morning, i'll leave the home house early & set off to school till late at night.
our routines are pretty much similar, but somehow we just missed each other.


today, Thursday, 25th October 2007.
school sucks more & more each day. & yet i love how school's so big & no one gives a shit nor damn. search for comfort food & therapeutic walks on rooftops fringed in blooms. inhaling the air, thinking to myself, this is where...dark corners basked in illuminating sunshine, emo backdrops to smoke & slit wrists.though not doing any of them. just maybe, checking my timetable from time to time, checking in my head: "that's done, that's done too..."

& yet still feeling highly insecure. are these enough? am i really pushing myself towards the limits? or is that edge imaginary? what if i take another step forward..will i fall all the way down to nothingness? ..or a step further ahead? it's like walking into the sea. one wrong step, that's it, the end, you'll slip & drown in salty tears.

had two tutorials today: EL1101 & SGP society.
a fierce internal battle to fight back those tears was going on, hopefully unnoticed.
EL was as usual, disheartening. i couldnt understand a single friggin thing they were talking about. & i said something stupid during SGP tutorial. gahh. can you just shut up, wanjing? you asked stupid qns, said stupid things, did stupid stuff.. just stupid stupid stupid. & shut up. please, just do everyone & yourself a BIG BIG favour & shut up already.

guess what the topic for the tutorial was about.

yesh. gender, youth & FAMILY.
i thought it was supposed to be on space&place. but it wasnt. point being that the more you attempt to escape/avoid something, the more you'll find it cornering you with nowhere else to run. surrender. at the end of tutorials, bad headache. it's either i'm confused, or that i think too much. some remarks that were made, i found it really offensive. i wanted so much to stand up & overturn the table & stomp out of that place. one very important thing was mentioned by my psychology lecturer, which had been my stand for years, is not to label people. it'll shape them into something else. really.

they were talking about female VS male. & someone said something that got onto my nerves. i wanted so much to scream at that person: do you know what you are saying?! & deliver a tight slap across his face. vaguely remembered the article on female VS male in the TIME magazine last year, about job requirements. to summarise things up, it said that in the past, to achieve same standard as the males, females work really hard to get a paper cert, just so to be on par, with equal status & all. & the patriarchy of it all is such that, job requirements changed to suit the males. it's really like what the hell. & the way they keep labelling females as submissive freaks, housewives etc..but the worst part was when family was brought up. never mind. dropped it already.


the moment i reached home, went to scavenge old foto albums on childhood days. those outings with mum & dad. dated: public holidays & weekends. progressively, dated: public holidays. & subsequently, dated: NA

without these fotos, i'll never know they spent time with me at all.
but then again, all i can remember from my childhood is the two damn years i spent at some horrid childcare centre, being force-fed veggies & red/green bean soup, & a horrid woman who always pulled my ears & cheeks.
& on my 4th birthday, i had this mickey mouse birthday cake. something like the one QiYuan (my kid at GraceField) had for his 4th birthday. but his parents were there with him throughout the birthday celebration, & even took him out to play after that.
i was looking for my parents after birthday song was sung. they had left. for work.

& they mentioned grandmother.
i love my granny.
she knows my food preferences, used to plait my hair into 2pony tails, waited for my school bus when dad had to work, & didnt had the time to ferry me to & fro anymore, accompanied me to the washroom or for a glass of water in the middle of the night..she's my sweet old lady.
but things changed when Milo was borned.


mum used to say: we found you in the rubbish dump.
& dad added: at TiongBahru market there.
i thought then: at least someone wants me.




i cant go on anymore..
-------------------

went off in search of comfort food after that.
cookie + orange strawberry lemonade.
suddenly, this doesnt work anymore.
perhaps i should try other comfort food, i thought.
& came across the fruit stall & bought an apple.
& i like it. its taste is just like...now.
sour, yet slight tinge of sweetness.

-------------------
it sneaks up upon you, & strike when you least expected it.
tutorials are ending soon.
hurray & booo.
i am so looking forward to the end of SouthAsian tutorial (that's definite)
i would have love to say the same for EL1101 tutorial, but it'll be lonely without Eleanor, XinHui, Pamela & June.
same for SGP tutorial, i've grown so accustomed to having Jason there, like an elder brother guiding me.
there had hardly been any economics tutorial, so the module is pretty slack in a way.
& i know i cant bear psychology tutorial.
i have nice tutors like YuHui & Robin, & really good lecturers for psychology, SGP society, economics & EL1101.

my first lousy school term is coming to an end.
sour cream & onions.

myheart draws adream
------------------------------------
11:15 PM